Why Atheism Makes Me Feel Like Hell

I've been posting blogs about religion for years now, but it is only recently that I've started to actually do something more active about the things that I have learned about it. If you're a Facebook regular, then by now you've already read some of my atheist posts. It was a risky move, I admit, and even then I already anticipated that my posts will not be warmly received. I am going to explain to you here in this post why I cannot keep my mouth zipped shut about it. I am not going to discuss atheism here. I just want the people I care about to understand why I am doing this.

I am going to begin with telling you a bit about how I came to be in this position. I feel the need to explain because I have a hunch that some people misunderstand why I am doing this. I do not aim to persuade you to love and applaud me for what I'm doing. I just want to help you look at this in a manner which is fair and without contempt.

I started posting really hardcore atheistic ideas in Facebook about four months ago, and when I am in that state of mind, I usually post not just one but a chain of posts criticizing religion and the belief in god. I began with posting quotes from some noted atheists. Sometimes I post excerpts from some of their written works. Sometimes I also post my own thoughts on it and I'm telling you, based from the responses, I was not loved for those. Not that it really matters if people like them or not. I do not exist to please everybody.

In the beginning of course, I wasn't so sure about my stand on religion, even if I had already developed the inclination towards atheism when I understood more about the cell in my undergraduate biochemistry class. I really like my biochemistry professor, and she was the reason why I chose biochemistry as my field. But I clearly remember that one time in class when she was discussing metabolism, and she told us that it is amazing - how we were designed by the creator. I distinctly remember knotting my eyebrows and frowning at her at that point. There are two ways one might respond when you understand more about life in the molecular level - either you are amazed on the complexity molecules can achieve or be in awe of that higher being who designed it all.

Then of course, there were those early years when I suffered because of my impending homosexual tendencies. How I tried to suppress it to the cost of the partial destruction of my ego just because I don't want to be downtrodden by society. And when I thought of why society was behaving in such a cruel, unfair manner, all the indications pointed to one culprit - religion. So it was then that I began to question it bit by bit, starting from those religious claims which affect my life directly.

I've already written a number of blogs about my thoughts on religion ("My Revolution", "The Parable of Santa Claus", "Outside the Gates", "To Have Faith Is To Be Blind?", "I Challenge You To Refute This", "A Reason for Religion", "Creation and Creations", "Stand", and "Hell's Glare", which is actually a prayer to God), but the essence of it all is that the god which the Bible depicts does not coincide with all those "good" qualities which I believe a real, loving god should possess. Initially I began to question the Bible version of God, and then later, as I grew more as a scientist (at least, in a personal sense) I questioned the belief in a god altogether.

But in those early stages of my atheism, I still wasn't as vocal about it as I am now. It was because I thought religion was still a good thing for people to have, even if it turned out to be one big lie. I thought that ultimately, it brings out good things in us, especially during Christmas. I thought that somehow, it keeps society in some semblance of order by scaring away criminals with hell and by rewarding kindnesses with heaven. I thought that the priest's homily teaches and reimposes good values on the family. I thought that religion brings unparalleled comfort to the troubled, especially when you have nothing else to cling to. I thought that the idea of seeing all your loved ones again somehow helps people make it through the death of someone dear to you. I thought that yeah, maybe these are all valid reasons enough and I should let religion be.

Until that one fateful time, motivated by seeing the not-so-beneficial effects of religion on the people around me, when I began to really look for more information about criticisms of religion. I stumbled upon this website where I found the very same conclusions I've developed through the years being reported back to me. The sensation I got then was almost akin to winning the lottery. It was like all along I felt I was the sole abomination when the truth is, it was the others who were deluding themselves. On looking back, that realization actually saved me from the depression I was in at the time (which reached its peak in "In Shadow"). It really is like clicking the light on and seeing how things really were. Since then, I've read tens more of different articles arguing for and against the existence of a god, and at some point, after balancing each case without bias, I felt it was reasonable enough for me to take my stand as an atheist.

Now it is a fact that religion does tend to discourage free inquiry not only in science but most especially towards itself. And I suppose that was what pushed me to go public. I just felt that somebody needs to expose these truths about religion. Somebody needs to point out to them (like in "The Emperor's New Clothes") that they are parading without any clothes on. Somebody needs to make them realize the following major points:

(1) That they are deluding themselves (some are sadly, so thoroughly brainwashed that they cannot even entertain the idea in their heads);

(2) That they can get on with their lives and find meaning without the need of that delusion;

(3) That there are many things they do not know about their own religion, most of these understandably will put the religion in bad odor;

(4) That there is the possibility that we are all being duped by some of those who know about sch truths and are in power;

(5) That the Bible is chock full of inconsistencies and that there are controversies about its historicity and accuracy; and lastly

(6) That they cannot claim that theirs is the ONLY truth when they themselves are not very knowledgeable about their own religions.


It was a very risky move to go public since I am aware that most people I know are religious to some degree and I might end up receiving the ire of these people, but I thought that why should I be afraid in the first place when I'm only searching for the truth. I am not doing this just to spread unease or just to prove that I am right and you are wrong. Why should I fucking do that to my friends? I went on with doing this because I believe that my motives are without malice. I went out there by myself (because no one I knew was looking for the truth) and found these information. Now it is up to you to assess these facts I unearthed.

I've had some very fruitful debates on my posts and I'm happy because that is what I was actually encouraging. The not-so-happy thing though, is those debates showed me that apparently, religious people, even the most enthusiastic ones, are not as knowledgeable about their own beliefs as I surmised they would be. They presented me with nothing I haven't read or heard before, and they often failed to reply and stopped the discussion halfway through. I don't know what their reasons were, but it was a shame since who knows, they just might possess the answer which would convince me more about theism (if that was their aim).

This is a careful and narrow path I have to tread because I am scrutinizing a very sensitive topic and I feel that all it takes is one small mistake and I would have seriously offended some of my friends. It is so sensitive that I usually keep quiet about it in the real world, unless they themselves opened it up first. At times, the awkwardness with my friends is so tangible I can almost feel the air thicken when it accidentally comes up. I don't think anyone in their right minds would deliberately welcome hurting your friends, even indirectly, and that is the burden we atheists should carry.

Aside from this, being an atheist is so frustrating because no one would want to hear what you are saying! It's like they are really blocked from receiving information which do not agree with their religion. How can it be this bad? What happened to open-mindedness? Not even my friends who are being trained to be scientists are exempted from this sad fact. I was just thinking that, if I were talking about other stuff - a novel and radical way of cooking for instance - then they would naturally listen to what I say and maybe they'd try it some time. But with religion, that's not even possible, no matter how clearly logical, rational, and sensible my arguments were.

It is very difficult to talk about atheism in my present surroundings without offending people accidentally. I do try to phrase my thoughts the least offensive way I can, but I admit that sometimes I slip because as I said, it feels so frustrating when people refuse to see clearly. Other times I feel the opposite, and I am haunted by the fact that maybe someone out there was hurt by what I said, but still, that does not change the truth in what I wanted to communicate. I trust that those who read my posts are all mature enough to warn me if I'm stepping out of line, deliberately being disrespectful for no reason at all, or when I'm blabbing nonsense.

I still maintain that all of us have the capacity to understand and grasp the reality behind religion. Unlike those in power, I cannot abide keeping these truths about religion hushed up just so people can follow them blindly. I am not giving up in my belief that all of us have the emotional and mental capacity to move forward and take life as it really is, without delusions and false hope.

In the end, I really don't care if everyone ends up judging me as their enemy or being unfriended by all my Facebook contacts (that's their maturity issue, not mine). I firmly believe in the truth of my cause and this cause is so much greater than my own being, I can sacrifice my ego for this. This has progressed from being a simple matter of me being right and you being wrong. This is not a matter of proclaiming to the world that I am more intelligent than you. This is far beyond such possible personal disputes which can arise out of this. (So to those people who question my motives just because it is easier to attack than what I say, please stop because it does not change anything. Think about my posts instead.)

There are times when I really do wonder if I should stop this "campaign" but do you know what keeps me going on at the end of the day? What supersedes all the frustration, all the awkwardness and uneasiness I might have stirred up in me and in the people around me? It's the simple fact that I do care about you. I read somewhere that to atheists (please do not take this negatively), religious people are like people walking around with their fly open. Asking me to stop, or wondering why I can't shut up about religion is for me, the same way as asking me to stop pointing that out to people. I am far from happy that I am the one who need to point that out to you, but would you rather I do nothing and let you possibly embarrass yourselves to other people? You're all my friends, and trust me that it sickens me to bear that responsibility. I'd rather we were all right, and living in harmony, but sadly, that is not the case...

Understand that I don't gain anything from this.

Understand where I'm coming from, and the risk I am taking in pursuing this.

It makes me feel like hell at times, I admit, but someone needs to do something about this.