Hell's Glare

God, I do not know how I feel towards you now. We've been close, I know. Back then, when we hardly have anything to eat, you helped me, us, make it through. We were close, and that despite my natural skepticism, I felt that there was a difference with you present in my life. A positive difference.

But now, God, what are you putting me through? I started turning away from you. Because, as I was getting older, I change. I learn things about myself. I began to understand what a cursed life you are putting me into. I began to blame you for things, so perhaps it was better that you were absent from my life. That way, I cannot lay the blame on anything. But if you're back around, well, you've got powers. You're controlling my life. You're giving me all this shit! You are cruel.

Sometimes, God, it's beginning to hurt me loads. If I could have been normal God, I would have been so happy! I wouldnt have messed the lives of those who got involved with me! I would've focused on other things. I would've saved a lot of tears from unnecessary pain, which, of course, you delegated to me! I would've advanced! But NO, God! You've put me through this!

What reader? You're siding up with God again. Well? Calling me a demon, satanic, whatever I don't care what you call me! You think I was to blame? You think I had a hand in being like this? You think I would deliberately choose bisexuality over heterosexuality? D'you think I chose this??

But God, I'm not really too angry, if I think of both sides. Well, at least you gave me Chiyo here. She helps me cope and understand myself better. There are my students, too. I've had such a wonderful time being with them. You gave me the chance to be a teacher, and through that, I have touched many lives. My soul was filled. Of course, there are my friends, who still care a lot for me (just look at the comments here in my blog). And of course, there's mom, Baby, dad, and my crazy bro. And there's music. There's always music to lean to.

God, thank you for giving me all these. Without them, I might not have made it on my own. You are cruel, God, true, but you try to help, too, in ways we do not directly see.

Is that why you named me Bryan Christian - a strong believer in Christ? That despite all the shit I've been getting, all these problems, in the end, I'll be able to come out of hell's glare? If that is so God, thank you. I like how all these is helping me know more about life, about myself and other people. I will do my best and pass this test. Romantic relationships are not the only sources of happiness in this world. I will make it through all these in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.