All I ever thought about was myself. Sometimes, we just have to let people go. It was my fault alone. I was blinded by my pain and misery, I never thought about the other side. Now I finally understood how it is to fall and deal with it after.
In my search for answers to why he did what he did, I reread the email message he sent me before. It was like reading it again for the first time. I did not really understand what he was telling me then. Like I skimmed through sentences I thought was unnecessary. I focused on the last word - that was all. But now, I understand.
The past few days after it happened, I tried to know why he wanted to leave everything behind. Why one small thing suddenly turned out to be this huge issue that severing of ties was his only way of dealing with it. Everybody, I think, if placed in my position, will be hurt by that. And all this time, I unknowingly pretended to be searching for the answer when all along I was simply wallowing in my stupid and baseless pain.
"I would like to leave everything behind," he said. "I hope you'll try your best to understand." There that was it. I did not even try to understand. Now I do. I had. I simply have to accept it that that was what he wanted. I understand. And now I feel free.
I was stupid all this time. It is galling to admit it, and I know that sometimes, it is unwise to post all my thoughts in this blog because I know that it hurts her. It is an on-going battle against myself. It doesn't feel good at all when I wind up hurting everyone (including me) because of my decisions. It is an on-going battle - this life - and often I lose. But now, after realizing this, I'm one up on life. One step higher towards maturity. One step higher towards accepting myself as I am.
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