Gwapo sa Gwapo

Gwapo sa gwapo

Macho sa macho

Brusko sa brusko

Panalo sa panalo

Gwapo sa gwapo

Yun lamang pare ko

Wala sa uso

Ang mga may puso

Taga-saan ka?

Di ka dapat halata

Saang gym ka?

Hindi pwedeng mataba

Macho sa macho

Kapag malapit ka na dito

Text mo lang ako

Tas maliligo na ako

Tara usap tayo

La Salle ka, Ateneo ako

Pwede ka mag-imbento

Hanggang bukas lang naman 'to

Brusko sa brusko

Bakante ang kwarto ko

Bilang ang mga minuto

Ano pang hinihintay mo?

Trabaho lang pare ko

Malibog ka, malibog ako
Nagkamutan lang naman tayo

Wala namang pinagbago

Panalo lang sa panalo

Bawal ang magkagusto

Alam natin pareho

Nasaktan ka na, nasaktan na ako

Paglabas mo ng pinto

Siguro maaalala mo
Na merong panahon
Na hindi ka ganito

Ganun din ako pare ko

Ganun din naman ako

Pero iba na gusto ko

Masaktan ka na, kesa ako

Ayoko na ng totoo

Ayoko ng seryoso

Ayoko ng mahal ako
Ayoko ng mahal ko

Gwapo sa gwapo

Macho sa macho
Brusko sa brusko

At gago sa gago

Rat Race

There was this one character in Kikomachine Komix (the long-haired one with the cap) who had this series of episodes with him moping about life being a rat race. It was years ago when I first read those, and at the time I couldn't really understand what he was talking about. I mean, I had a vague notion about it, but nothing concrete. I was still very inexperienced. Then.

A year has passed since my well-publicized demise from UP, and working in Adamson has somewhat made the rat race concept clearer. UP's academe environment is much too stressful for existentialism - everyone is extremely busy about something most of the time, and when they are not busy, they devote their free time for fun and mindless things (the younger ones at least). In Adamson, the work is just as stressful, but it is seldom intellectually demanding. And I suppose it is in this environment where the struggle for a higher position and a higher salary is more tangible, even to an outsider like me. Adamson is a private school, and even if they try to hide it behind their crucifixes and their "education for the poor" slogan, it is still a business. In UP, the upwards struggle of the faculty is mostly academic in nature, if tainted a bit by politics. But in Adamson, it seems more like a corporate struggle. I believe that some people there are really serious about educating their students, but I think that for some, it is still mostly about just the salary.

A few hours ago, I had a talk with Adamson's HR assistant regarding my salary. It was bad news, I'm afraid, and as a sop to me, she was insistent that I finish my MS so that I can get a permanent post in their institution. She was selling to me the higher salary, the improved benefits, when I stay there for good. I've told her that I have plans to finish my studies abroad, but the idea seemed foreign to her, and it appeared that she was content with me having an MS degree here as long as I stay with them. My personal educational development is only secondary to my retention as an instructor there. I understand their perspective completely though. There is no guarantee that I will go back there if I finish my degree abroad, so their priority is to hold on to "promising" instructors. As I said, it is still a business.

And so I walked out the door, feeling more enlightened yet more disillusioned about how this world works. That in the end, the MS degree is not really about personal development. It was just a tool for me to get a higher salary. It isn't like this fact was completely unknown to me before, but it is only now that I'm experiencing first-hand how my academic failure is affecting my opportunities. I suppose I was still nursing this romantic idea that in the end, graduate degrees are still about personal improvement. But this world is pushing me to face the fact that our abilities are measured not by our capabilities but by our degrees. It will not be an exaggeration if I claim that if I put my mind into it, I can teach most chemistry subjects Adamson is offering. That when compared to a fresh MS graduate, I can do a better teaching job. But of course, the HR does not only depend on one's performance for its evaluation. They look for solid and tangible things like degrees. The academic ladder is quantized. I am overly qualified for my position now, but being in the middle gets me nowhere. I am still at Level 2.

But I have no alternatives to the current system we have about this at present. There must be a measure for the proper evaluation and positioning of instructors and professors, and the graduate degree is the best that we have. I suppose I had been a fool for focusing more on the meaning of my post instead of being clever and getting ahead by finishing what they were requiring me to get done. If there was a test to measure my passion for education, or a way to quantify my teaching abilities, I believe that I will be among the very best but the world just does not work that way. The academe has no room for subjectivity (at least in the positive sense), and my termination from UP was proof of that.

Sometimes I still pause and wonder where I went wrong, when all along I was simply trying to figure things out. When every small step I took seemed right and ideal at the moment, yet here I am, floundering on the fringes of this money-obsessed society. Sometimes I still pause and wonder whether those who are racing ahead of me really know where they are careening into. Sometimes I envy them for their unquestioning will. They're not like me who had to know first the ultimate meaning of what they are doing. They're not like me who just had to know why, who aren't born with an innate sense of doing things to get ahead of everyone.

I hate this world, and this is not just because I'm bitter over my graduate career. I hate this world because it pushes me to do important things like this for the money that goes with it. Those who do things for meaning are laughed at and are called hypocrites. The artists become poor. The selfish get rich. And between these two, it will be the latter who will have a better chance of being looked up by society.

I am all for ideals. I am all for making this world's perspective better. But there are times when I have to choke on my idealism because I am living in the real, ugly world. My father just had another mild stroke. My family is being evicted from our home of 15 years. My brother needs his medications and my mother... my mother deserves to get a break from all of our domestic problems and I just cannot handle these by myself all at once. I do not have time to figure things out. I do not have that luxury to know which career path is best for me. I must get going. I must earn more. Now! And woe unto meaning. Woe unto my passions. I can cry myself out, I can shout at the unfairness of it all but I simply do not have time for these things.

These times, I envy the unenlightened. They're still there, running. All for the money. All for their careers. Not understanding that without meaning, they're just lab rats in a maze. And yet I also question myself, with all these said and done, who between us is really better off?

Sa Bungad ng Impyerno

Buwan ng Hunyo. Papalubog na ang araw at pagod akong naglalakad pauwi sa KNL. Freshie pa lang ako nun at wala pang kamuwang-muwang. Kahit nga yung sakayan ng tricycle sa KNL, hindi ko pa alam kaya tuloy pagkahaba-haba ng nilalakad ko lagi pauwi. Kahit sumubok ng mga shortcuts, ayaw ko pang gawin. Totoy pa ako nun kung Totoy. Duwag din kung duwag.

Malapit-lapit na ako sa tinitirahan kong boarding house nang may lumapit sa akin na ale. Lumabas siya mula sa isang tindahan. Tinanong niya ako kung taga-UP daw ba ako. Naguluhan akong tumango tapos pinakilala niya yung anak niya na taga-UP din, si Datu. Matangkad si Datu. Cute. Ngumiti siya sa akin at dahil hindi pa ako out noon at ayokong mahalata kaya pokerface lang ako. Nakakatawa yung eksena na parang proud pa yung Nanay niya (nakangiting tumitingin back and forth between us) at nagkakilala kami samantalang minuto pa lang ang lumilipas simula nung lumapit siya sa akin.

"May boarding house ka na ba?" taong nung ale. Sabi ko meron na, at itinuro ko pa kung saan banda. Sabi niya, sumama daw ako sa kanya at may ipapakita siya sa akin na mas okay na boarding house. Medyo nag-alangan ako sumama pero nagpumilit sya at sinabing sadali lang naman. At dahil Totoy pa ako, sumunod na lang ako.

Pumasok kami sa isang eskenitang gwardyado ng sobrang daming aso. At sobrang mga violent pa sa pagwawala, na tipong aakalain mo talagang nasa gate ka ng impyerno at si Cerberus yung nagkaka-kahol na iyon. Halika, sabi nung ale, nakatali naman yang mga iyan. Hinugot ko ang konti kong lakas ng loob at patakbo akong pumasok sa eskinita patungo sa isang eksenang tila langit pala ang kalalabasan.

Dead end pala ang eskinita. May poso sa labas, at nakatambay doon ang ilang mga binatang walang mga T-shirt lahat. May isang naglalaba. May nagyoyosi. May mga nagkwekwentuhan. Lahat sila lumingon sa pagpasok namin. Na-conscious ako nang timba-timba. Sa itsura ko, at sa itsura nila. Sila pala ang mga nakatira dito. Binati nila ang landlady nila at ipinakilala ako. Si Bryan, isang freshman.

Pinapasok ako nung landlady sa loob at tumambad pa doon ang ilan pang mga lalaki. Uso yata ang walang suot na T-shirt sa kanila. May isa pa ngang nakatapis lang ng tuwalya habang may kausap sa telepono. Yung iba nakahiga lang sa couch. Meron ding nagplaplantsa. Lahat sila lean at maganda ang katawan. Walang mataba. As in. At sa sobrang pagkamangha ko sa mga katawan nila ay tumatak sila sa aking isipan.

Sumilip ako sa kusina. Sumilip ako sa sala. Sa totoo lang, hindi naman kagandahan yung boarding house na iyon pero halos hindi ko rin naman nakilatis dahil hindi ako makatingin sa paligid ko. Panakaw-nakaw kasi ako ng tingin sa mga nakatira dun. Hindi ko maiwasan. Bata pa ako nun. Wala pang karanasan. Malakas pa ang elemento ng pagkasabik. Tuloy ang pagdaldal ng landlady tungkol sa mga amenities ng lugar pero hindi na ako nakikinig. Sa ibang amenities kasi ako nakatingin.

Lumapit yung isang boarder sa akin. Yung matangkad, at kung umasta ay parang leader kuno nila. "Welcome pare" sabi niya, sabay abot ng kamay. Nakipag-shake hands ako na parang normal lang pero naku lord, alam kong sobrang halata ako noon. Bakit kasi kailangang ngumiti pa sa akin with an inviting look? Bakit kasi kailangang shirtless pa? Kahit nga siguro yung landlady nahalata na parang hinulugan ako ng mga kiti-kiti sa brief.

Sinubukan kong i-imagine agad if ever doon nga ako tumira. Sinilip ko ang bakanteng kama sa double-deck. Sinilip ko ang magugulo nilang gamit. Kahit yung tapis nung isang nasa telepono pa din, sinilip ko din pero ang hirap talaga mag-isip doon.Tanging ang nag-iinit na katawan ko lang ang nagpupumiglas at tila sinasabing itali ko na ang sarili ko doon at magiging maligaya ako magpakailanman.

Paglabas namin ng landlady sa bahay ay nakita kong nakikipag-usap yung nakipagkamay sa akin sa mga nasa may poso. Lumingon sila sa akin at ngumiti, at hindi ko maiwasang isipin na baka ako ang pinag-uusapan nila. Tapos humiga yung nakipagkamay sa akin sa isang lumang couch at nag-stretch at nag-preen at hindi ko maiwasang sundan ang hubog ng mahaba niyang torso. Whew, sobra na 'to. Inosente pa ako. Inosente...

Paglabas namin ng eskinita ay walang humpay ang landlady sa abiso sa akin na kung magbago raw ang isip ko at gusto kong lumipat doon sa mala-langit niyang pugad ay pumunta lang daw ako sa tindahan niya. Parang tuwang-tuwa siya sa sarili niya. Hindi ko alam kung mangkukulam ba siya at nahulaan niya agad ang kahinaan ko. Hindi ko alam kung staged lang pala ang lahat at yun ang kanyang tested and proven effective na strategy sa pagkuha ng mga boarders. Shocked pa din ako sa aking nasaksihan, at opo lang ako nung opo dahil alam kong wala naman akong lakas ng loob na lumipat ng boarding house. Ang tanga ko pa din kasi nun. Ang weakling. At nakayuko na lang akong umuwi sa aking tinitirahang boarding house. Puno ng hindi maipintang pinaghalong lust at angst sa mundo.

Pagdating ko sa gate ng boarding house ko, lumapit sa akin yung kasambahay ng landlady namin at sinabing may gusto raw magpakilalang construction worker. Kumunot ang noo ko dahil hindi ko naintindihan ang saysay ng sinasabi niya. Gusto magpakilala sa iyo, inulit niya habang natatawa. Yung construction worker na naka-maikling shorts na pula, sabay turo dun sa building na ginagawa sa tapat ng boarding house namin.

At dahil hindi pa ako out nun, (at actually hindi ko pa din talaga alam ang sekswalidad ko nun) ay hindi ko na lang siya pinansin at umakyat na lang ako patungo sa aking kwarto habang nakayuko ang aking ulo. Gulong-gulo ang isip ko. Ang sarap sana, pero hindi pa ako handa. Gusto ko sana, pero hindi pwede. Ang hirap kasi. Ang gulo.

Kaya pagdating ko sa kuwarto, dumerecho na lang ako sa banyo. Idinaan ko na lang sa ligo.

The Best Teacher

He was sitting on the edge of the bed and I approached him from behind like I was the hunter and he the prey. I wrapped my legs around him and I breathed down his neck. My hands trapped his arms while my tongue touched his nape. And as he squirmed and sighed and slithered within my arms, I thanked you for teaching me the tricks to this trade. I learned from the best, Baby. I learned from you.

And as he pulled me down on him, I pressed his buttons like how you taught me. My hands traveled the length of his body just as it used to traverse yours. If I closed my eyes, I could imagine he was you and this was just another Friday night four years ago. And as we lay there stark naked, our limbs entwined with each other, I gave silent thanks to you. I learned from the best, Baby. I learned from you.

Then he pulled me towards the bathroom. He pulled me towards the tub. And the warm water overflowed and enveloped us as we embraced each other. The lapping of the water was curiously obscene, but not as obscene as the curses he was mixing with my name. And as we lay there panting, with the rushing of the water close beneath our ears, I could have whispered your name and he wouldn't have noticed. He was happy as a cat in the creamery, and I was happy that I was making him happy, but it was all thanks to you. I learned from the best, Baby. I learned from you.

And as we lay back on the bed, resting, my head lying on his chest. I whisper sweet nothings without meaning any of them. We giggle and wrestle and I make pretend I was smitten. And he would raise his defenses but I would destroy them one by one. And when he has fallen, that is when I will leave. Because that was how you played me Baby. That was how the rest of them played. But I am grown now, and I am not as naive as I was before I met you. I know what to do now. I know how to play. I learned from the best, Baby. I learned from you.