7

I've fallen a long long way from who I used to be...

And no matter how hard I try, I'm still losing this battle.

Victory has been promised to me more than once and each time, I've let myself believe that I will win. In the end, those false hopes only made it harder for me to try again. They only made me realize how desperate and how helpless I am.

I can't bear any of this longer. I'm losing hope. I'm getting tired. It is so easy to just give up but I can't! Tomorrow, I will face the world again, hiding from strangers' sly looks and wry smiles, all the while wishing for the darkness to come and take over the merciless light.

If only I had my baby here, maybe I could think of some other things because when he is around, somehow, I can make myself believe that everything is really okay. That it doesn't really matter because no matter how bad my situation is, he'll still be there for me.

But today he's not here, and I am left with my own self-deprecating thoughts and egocentric weaknesses. I am letting myself strip away my confidence, because I myself, do not really believe that I am okay. I believe that I am in an alarming state. I believe that I am being judged upon and prejudiced against even before people really get to know me. I believe that people tend to avoid me. I believe that I am being robbed of chances I deserve to have had clinched. Even my friends avoid confronting me with it, because they, like me, believe that I'm hopeless.

It is paradoxical that no matter how open-minded and flexible people may think I am, I still can't make myself believe in what is pure and true. I still can't make myself accept that things are really okay because my personality is partly superficial and aesthetically-inclined. No matter how I try, I cannot force myself to believe that everything is okay in spite of what the mirror is shouting at me.

Some do help. My baby helps but he is unsuccessful because he isn't able to fully understand my situation. He doesn't know how low I've already fallen and that my failure to follow his strict redemption orders is not because of mere stubborness or laziness but because of a sense of hopelessness. I am aware of my goal, but I am so tired of trying and trying and failing. I am so tired of fighting against something I cannot control and I am letting myself helplessly be swept away to the netherworlds of our society.

It is easy for you to say comforting words. Easy for you to tell me not to give up, and I know that you mean well but there are some things you just can't understand without you being in my shoes. Easy for you to say that "this is not like you", but really, you don't know how different and low I can get myself into sometimes. I cannot convince myself to go on and try again because I am trying but you don't believe me because I keep silent.

The nights will continue to offer me peace, but tomorrow, the sun will rise again to show me that

I've fallen a long long way from who I used to be.