As Long As

A while ago, I was dancing in front of an audience. Keeping my feet in step with the beat, my mind focused on the next body movement. My ears carefully noting the fast progression of Nelly Furtado's "No Hay Igual" lest I bungle my coordination.

I wasn't nervous at all - just having fun with my fellow dancers and with the audience, savoring that precious moment when I am able to do what I love to do in front of people. Showing off the dance moves we've practiced for days. I can't remember how many times I have performed publicly, and perhaps I have to be thankful for that for my cool nerves during the performance.

I really love to dance. I like to perform. Like most of you, I have secret dreams of becoming a superstar. A celebrity. Often, when I am alone at home, I turn the radio on and play my favorite songs. I dance or sing in front of the mirror, making believe that I am a rock star bawling at the top of his lungs or a pop icon making pa-cute moves in a music video. I can't say whether I'm good at either (I'm probably not) but doing those makes me feel good about myself, and there are a lot of times when I really need to make myself feel better.

But I don't really dream of becoming a TV icon. I know that I'm not talented nor good-looking enough to be a star. Well, when I was a bit younger I even used to believe I was Harry Potter. I was so obsessed with him. Thankfully, I finally grew out of that!

One cool afternoon a few days ago, LE and I were enjoying the breeze on Sunken Garden while talking about our future careers. She too, like me, has dreams of becoming a performer, but unlike me she wanted to make hers a reality. Her problem is she's already well-progressed into being a full-blown chemist, so she's thinking if taking a new career at this point is still possible. Is she on the right track?

I, too, have doubts especially when I am becoming so stressed with the requirements of my masterals. During those times, I ask myself, haven't I been a good student long enough? Haven't I had enough of academic recognition? I've been at the top of my class since Grade 1, been the valedictorian of a science high school, graduated at the top of my batch in college. Don't I deserve a break?

I want to be a writer, I told the ceiling in my bedroom one night when I was mentally exhausted by the scientific journals my professor asked me to read. I want to write and write about my thoughts. I want to make stories. I want to explore life and share what I've discovered to others.

But then, after the long and sleepless nights of poring through enzyme evolution or the thermodynamics of the actinides, and I see the finished report in front of me, I tell myself, "Hey, this isn't bad at all." At the end of the day, despite doing it on the last minute, I always turn up to do a relatively good job of my acads. And in those moments, it comes to me that this - science - is where I'm good at. This is what fits me.

After doing a report, I am satisified that I've learned something new. I am proud that I've learned how enzymes evolve, or why actinides form higher valences than the lanthanides. Knowledge is always good, especially when it is as interesting as chemistry.

I realize that even if I'm only an instructor going through his masterals, through this blog, I am able to fulfill my wish as a writer. That through dancing, I am able to quench my thirst to be a performer. That by being a teacher who is close to his students, I am able to become an entertainer and a celebrity in my own way.

But then, the internet is not always available. The sem always gives way to sembreak. And "No Hay Igual" comes to an end...

Still, the satisfaction that I've done something I love to do remains. That I've done something other people won't expect me to do being a grownup teacher and all... Those things bring me contentment and a sense of completeness.

So as long as I love to write, this blog will continue to exist. As long as I love to share my knowledge, I will continue to teach. As long as chemistry amazes me, I will continue on my way to becoming a scientist. And as long as the beat keeps my body groove, I will continue to dance.

Till the next performance!

***
This entry is dedicated to Jo, Patch, and Arizza, my co-dancers. Thank you for the experience. I had loads of fun.

And of course, I'll never forget D, my baby. The sunshine of my life. (Yihee!) The reason why I have the reason to dance at all (kahit na kinuha na ang aking bed at ang ref namin sa apartment.)