Pushing My Buttons

Yesterday was one of those academically pivotal days for me. I was supposed to report on my Enzymes class about reverse transcriptase, and the assignment was given at least a month before, but with the usual procrastinating me, I only started on the report the week before reporting day. What with DotA sessions and playing frisbee with my students at Sunken Garden, what with sleeping till way past noon and blogging instead of researching, I wasn't able to finish it on time!

I was overconfident. Early morning on Friday, I was able to finish at least up to a third of the 30-page written report. My plan was to finish it on Friday night, getting no sleep up to 9am Saturday morning, my class' schedule. But after having dinner, I encountered my DotA companions on Philcoa, and without thinking I went with them to play for three sessions. However, I did have the will to go home at midnight to finish my report.

So I was alternately typing, reading, and editing for the next eight hours or so, getting no sleep, and increasingly becoming more stressed as the deadline was drawing near. If only I had two hours more, I could have finished it!

So at 9am, the time I was supposed to be sitting in our classroom preparing for my report, I found myself lying on my bedroom trying to sleep fully-dressed. My mind just snapped. I found I could not go farther any longer. I abandoned what I was supposed to be doing - I still had to do a 30-slide powerpoint presentation. I can't force myself to continue thinking about my report. I borrowed Chase's fone to text LE and say that I wasn't coming to class, and she replied that this was a different case since I am a reporter. Without thinking, I told her "Ayoko na. Sawa na ko. Bye."

It was indeed, very true. That morning, I got too full of academic shit. I was so tired of people trying to control my life, telling me to follow this deadline or that, to make me do things I'd rather not do! For once, I wanted to do things at my own pace. I'll finish my report once I'm done with amusing myself. I got so tired of people trying to take control over me!

Perhaps that wasn't very logical of me, and I am aware that it was my fault. There are things I need to do and these should have taken primacy over more trivial things like playing DotA. As I've said, I snapped! All my life, I was that goody-goody school boy, never putting a foot wrong in terms of academic requirements. Never faltering in exams. Never doing something which would get me into academic trouble. Sometimes, I just want to do things on my own, never minding the consequences. Sometimes, I just want to tell the world, tell my classmates, tell Professor Laurena that I do have a life outside school and that I have control over the things I do. I am not to be dictated by the academe!

That morning, I felt so sick of everything I even blamed Dr. Villaseñor, the IC director for forcing us to take 9 units (that means 3 MS subjects) this semester. I came to IC to teach, not to take my MS.

So I slept the whole day, waking up around 5pm feeling bad because for the first time in my life, I did something I've never done before - being irresponsible in a larger scale. But really, I think it wasn't really that big a deal because I wasn't the only reporter for that day, and I was supposed to be the last and I think those next to me in order will act as "substitutes" for my absence. This isn't even the first time in our class that the scheduled reporters failed to deliver their reports on time.

But still, I was feeling guilty because I realized that I do care for my grades and that sometimes, I really had to set less important things aside. My feelings were in that state while I was waiting for my baby at the Solair shed around 7pm. And at the end of our date, at Boni where we were to part ways, he told me, in a serious tone, that he was annoyed at me for being absent in my class.

At that time, I appreciated his concern for me, but then, in a way, it showed that he was also trying to control me, which just a few paragraphs earlier, the notion of which I've totally abused. At that time, I thought that I knew he was trying to help but he wasn't able to get what I'm feeling at that time, that he totally went the wrong way in solving my academic recklessness. That he didn't really understood me because he, like most people I know, is a stickler for rules and orderliness while I'm at the verge of trying to be free of those hateful things.

But then, in the end, right now when I'm relatively cooler, I have no choice but to follow what he told me even if it totally goes against what I want to happen to my life. In the end, he goes through, and in a way which I don't fully understand, I just had to do what he wants me to.

Next meeting then, when my turn to report on reverse transcriptase comes, I'll do it in such a way that they'll remember it for the rest of their lives. Haha. No, I'll just do my best that's all. Sometimes I just had to allow myself to bump my head on things so I can finally put my life right back on track.