Thursday, May 29, 2008

What Books and Jerks Have in Common

I'm already 23 years old yet there are still a lot of things I haven't learned about life and love. This past summer was one of the most trying periods of my life. As your teacher and as yourfriend, I feel obliged to relate what has happened to me because I believe that you might get something out of what I've gone through. It took me this long to write because I had to let time do its job of cooling me down. Right now, I am sober and I am ready to tell you all.

It all began when I met Beta...

Beta was one of my students this past summer. The first time I saw him in class, I knew that there was something about him. Somehow, I knew that he will shake my stable world out of its foundations. I was hardly able to get to know him very well in the course of only a few meetings but, as if it was long foretold, I fell. Again.

It has always been my weakness - falling for students. As Tickle said, my romantic fantasy is a mentor-protegee type of relationship. I am attracted to younger men because I am attracted to innocence. Perhaps it is because I have the heart of a child. Perhaps I see myself in these people when I was younger. Perhaps I like the feeling of taking the lead and showing them the ropes. I don't really know.

As Darwin once mentioned (when he tried to sit-in in my lecture class during those tumultuous days of our relationship), this is the third time that this happened to me. The first was with Hunter, the first guy I ever "loved." The second was with Alpha, which hardly counts at all since my feelings for him weren't really that deep and I was attracted to him only because he looked so much like Hunter. And now, here came Beta.

How do I describe Beta? Boyish. Childish. Innocent-looking. All these applies to the three of them and with him I was able to clarify to myself what attracts me to a person.

But before I proceed, I'd like to give my stand about student-teacher relationships. It has always been a taboo for teachers to get romantically involved with their students and I agree that this is forbidden while he is your student. You cannot risk his grades because of your feelings. Once the semester is over, however, it is a different matter.

I am not ashamed about this. I can hardly control my feelings and I believe that as long as I am not causing the student any sort of harm, I am not doing anything wrong. I know my limits and rules are rules so I follow them. These restrictions are deeply ingrained in me, that is why I am not worried that I might break them just because I've developed something for a student. And besides, my teaching style allows me to interact with my students in a friendly manner and this allows me to get close to them such that any extra friendliness will not be taken amiss since I am friendly to all of my students.

Enough said about that topic, let us proceed with my story...

Before Beta arrived, I was already plagued by doubts about my relationship with my boyfriend. Minor issues about us were piling up within me and Beta only emphasized what my boyfriend lacks. Beta made me think that these are the characters I am attracted to. These are the type of people I would have courted and pursued. And it made me think that my boyfriend is not really who I want.

Back then, Beta was only a crush and my initial goal was to be able to get close to him so I can know him better. I was hoping that, when I get to talk to him, I will realize that these emotions were unfounded and, laughing at how foolish I was, I will be able to move on and proceed with my real relationship.

It took me several tries before I was able to get close to him. The worse thing was that Beta liked to cancel his appointments, leaving me more and more frustrated each night until my boyfriend got wind of the whole issue until he broke up with me in the end. If only it would have ended sooner, I would have been able to fix this on my own without involving my boyfriend. I was reluctant to tell him at first because I knew this would hurt him very much, and as I looked at it then as a personal issue, there was really no need for his attention in this.

With the passing days, I became colder and colder to my boyfriend because the issue wasn't being resolved (Beta kept canceling) until I had to tell him about Beta and so we broke up.

I didn't feel sad when he broke up with me because my eyes were all on Beta at the time. I didn't feel his loss because I was preoccupied with how to get closer to Beta until that fateful Labor Day came when I was finally able to talk to him alone at length.

My hopes of getting over Beta were smashed to pieces that day because instead of me discovering that I didn't like Beta at all, it was the opposite that happened. Never have I liked a person more than I liked Beta. Nobody has ever made me feel that way. I wasn't able to sleep a wink the night after we talked. He really was the person I was looking for all these years. Or so I thought.

With the following days, I was able to be even closer to him and although he might deny it, he was flirting back in his own little ways. I held on to the hope that he might feel the same for me.

It was a difficult time for me, especially after hearing negative thoughts that he might be straight or that he's bisexual but he isn't open to same-sex relationships or that he is too religious or that he is already happy being single. I suffered through it all, so much so that I forgot to eat. So much so that I wasn't able to sleep well for how many days. I held on to that hope and discussing to my class this summer's album (which was about chasing dreams) didn't help to make me see the truth. It would have been a bad example to my students if I were to let go of my dream (which was him.) I just had to hold on. And besides, I had nowhere to go to. I've already given up my boyfriend for him. I had to give Beta my all. I didn't have a choice.

During these difficult times, my students never left me behind. They were my comfort and my strength, especially during the days when I was about to give up. They told me that they were behind me, no matter what the outcome of this would be. Without them, I don't think I would have survived this summer.

My ex-boyfriend was still at my back despite the hurt I've caused him. When I needed someone to stay with me through the night, he was there. When I needed someone to lay my confused head on, he was there. A part of me wanted to go back to him already but I knew that this will not be over until I directly confront Beta about what I feel so I held back and decided to push through with it.

Beta agreed to have a lunch "date" with me (after the finals) and it was then that I confessed. I already knew what his answer would be even before I opened up to him but it is not in my character to play safe. I wanted a direct refusal from him and unfortunately, I wasn't able to get it at the time. He just didn't want to talk about it, so the issue was left unanswered.

After that, Beta wasn't replying to my text messages anymore and I was very afraid of what I've done because it looked like he will be another Hunter again. It took me three years to get over Hunter, with the little that has happened to us. What more for Beta, when we've gone beyond what mere friends do? How much longer will it take me to recover from this? I needed a closure.

It took me yet several more attempts to make him reply to my text messages. Another meeting was out of the question since he was already back at his hometown by then. With the help of my friends, I was able to make him understand the urgency of my need to talk to him. I wanted to fix things up with my ex-boyfriend and I will never be able to fully come back to him until I hear it from him straight that he doesn't like me the way I do him. That way, I am sure. That way, there will be no what-ifs.

And that was what happened that night. The night after I wrote "I Want To End My Life". I was serious then, while I was writing the entry. People do not understand the impact of what my past experiences have done to my life, and to see it happening again and again to me was more than I could bear. If Beta did not reply that night, my mind would have snapped.

Beta was cold. He knew that it wouldn't be helpful for us if we continue to text each other often. I was able to make him listen to me, to make him understand my situation, until he sent me a reply which left me very angry at him.

That reply (I'm sorry) proved to me that he was a jerk. That he was a user. That he didn't give a damn about how I am feeling right then. That reply proved to me how rotten he was. That he doesn't practice what he preaches. That all he thinks about is himself.

And so that made me realize how foolish I was to fall for a person like that. That he didn't deserve all the things I've done for him.

All the time I was wondering why people don't see him the way I do. That was why. It turns out that he was simply pretending...

Sigh.

All the nights I've wasted. All the tears I've cried. All the love I was willing to give.

FOR A JERK!

Geez.

But don't get me wrong though. I am not angry at him. He is young. Maybe he doesn't mean to make me feel this way. He doesn't understand yet.

I am ashamed of myself for falling so fast but I'll never regret all the things I've done because without them, I wouldn't have been able to learn this lesson to heart:

"NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER"

No matter how well you think you know this person, you really have to make sure you are investing your feelings on someone worthwhile. You have to know your worth because, unfortunately in this world, there are those who will take advantage of you.

Take it from me. I learned it the hard way. But still, I learned.

If he goes away, I know that I've lost nothing. I've shown nothing but good intentions and I don't deserve how he treated me. But him? He lost me. And false humility aside, I know I am a way way better person than he is right now.

***

So what about my ex-boyfriend? How are we right now?

The truth is, I don't know for sure. Neither of us is certain about what will really happen to us now.

Chem 16 OX3

From my siz, Yanie! Para nman ma-preserve natin
:)

Chem 16 OX3 class ka kung alam mong...

1. si sir BRYAN CHRISTIAN DE LA ISLA ang BEST PROF (at friend) sa balat ng UP (yeah!)
2. madami kang natutunan sa chem, pero mas madami kang natutunan sa LIFE :D
3. ang class ay binubuo ng lahat ng klase ng tao. may freshies at oldies (haha!), may mga single, taken at married, ibat' ibang colleges at kung ano ano pa.
4. first impressions DEFINITELY never last. right?
5. may mga loveteams na nabuo. yiheee~
6. computerized dapat ang postlab. nakakadugo ng everything ang kakatype ng equations na punong puno ng subscripts at superscripts.
7. minsan naman walang postlab, basta (uy secret!)
8. kung depressed ka and you need a friend (or a tool), tawagin mo lang si ano (hahaha!)
9. may mga taong high ang entropy! pwedeng choco ube, punongkahoy or summery-citrus.
10. crush ni ________ si ally at si _________ naman si carlo.
11. merong mga taong twenty nine na pala pero hindi halata. (uuy nakangiti na yan~)
12. magaling magimpersonate si (pastor) Gino. soooper. as in 500 yoke of oxen.
13. kahit tumayo ka lang sa harap ni anna, tatawa na sya for 30 minutes.
14. highest na, social pa! yan si sister chinee.
15. isang araw may 'mystery guy' na nagsit-in sa lec at nagtatanong kung may possibility na mag split-up ang nucleus if it gets too excited.
16. sa last day ng class ay sinurprise ni ano si ano :D may mga nagselos kaya? hmm..
17. "Hi girls!" ang famous line ni RA.
18. may unggoy at zebra sa village nila carlo. promise.
19. masarap ang pagkain sa ate Fe's.
20. official meeting place na ang Ipil.
21. madaming artista sa class. andyan si Mar rivera, Ara mina, Renz verano, Carlo maceda, Gino padilla, B. Allyson, Glynel mercado at Yanie curtis :P
22. huwag mong sisirain ang mga plants or papatayin ang mga insects. baka boyfriend yun ni ano. HAHA!
23. marlboro lang ang yosi dati ng mga tao, pero tinuruan kami ni mayamang ally ng dunhill. kaya ngayon, "Marlboro? Ew."
24. precious ang "trunks pic" ni RA. madami nang 'papuri' ang naani ng picture na yon.
25. pag inipon mo ang pakalatkalat mong pera, aabot ito ng 700. (yaman eh!)
26. hindi ready si nikki nung sumama sya sa mimosa. wala syang shampoo, sabon, etc., pero may dala syang dalawang pares ng two-piece.
27. official bahay ang Burgundy place unit 605. required na makalat ang kwarto bago umalis. (Go papa ally!)
28. kulang pa sa evolution ang boyfriend ni ano. tttrrrrrrrrrr~ (yuck ansama :P)
29. masugid manligaw si migz. (go go go!)
30. deadly ang gin-sumthing mix ni ate lai. literal.
31. pwedeng chaser ng vodka ang okra. (hahahaha!) sa susunod na yung gin-talong at beer-ampalaya.
32. madrama ang rainbow's end album. pero that's it, DRAMA OVER! :D
33. gusto mo ng adobo! basta gusto mo ng adobo! XP
34. may mga 'bobong' boyfriend. (haha! go mar!)
35. sobrang sarap ni ara gumawa ng blueberry cheesecake.
36. may mga kasabihang "go lang ng go!", "keep going!", "I have it!" at ang mga word-for-the-day na Excelsior, Dense, at Always.
37. kahit magisip pa ng ibang venue, sa sarah's ka parin babagsak. or kela ally.
38. umiyak si ano dahil kay ano. (hay) pero tapos na yon! :)
39. masaya pumasok araw araw. you're looking forward to everyday. never a dull moment talaga!
40. kahit late ka pumasok, nakangiti paring maghe-hello si sir bry sayo.
41. hindi close si gly at yanie dati. sa kem lang sila nagkakilala. weh >_
46. kelangan mong makipagbreak para hanapin ang sarili mo (uy si ano to ah :D)
47. nagpapadala ng ibon ang BIR sa mga hindi pa nakakabayad ng tax. (hahahahahaha!)
48. hindi nagchecheck ng attendance si sir bry. isipin mo nalang, malulungkot sya kapag umabsent ka. (kunsensya mo yan)
49. Sun + Beer = Bronze. mahirap na chemical equation yan.
50. may sinulat kang crush sa bonus point. crush mo parin kaya sya ngayon? hihi *^_^*
51. masayang mag stop-dance/trip-to-jerusalem kapag alak ang kapalit ng mga upuan. (next time ulet!)
52. wag kang uuwi ng madaling araw 3days-in-a-row. wag kang sasama sa mga swimming2 na yan. baka lagyan nila ng gamot ang inumin mo at ma-rape ka! (haha!)
53. may kaklase kang na-pimp-my-ride at dalawa ang tv sa loob ng kotse.
54. meron din namang mga nangangailangan ng car wash (hahahahahaha! joke lang betz!)
55. dapat mong pakinggan mabuti ang sinasabi ni sir bago magexam at sure na sure, andun un!
56. may mga taong hindi nagnonotes pero naexempt sa exam, at meron ding hindi nag-aral pero top3 pa sa 2nd exam. wow.
57. wag kang magaaral with friends kasi siguradong babagsak lang kayo sa paglalaro ng monopoly.
58. may mga ---- na feeling artista. XD
59. nagwish ka na sana magbrownout nalang ulet para sa CS audi ulet ang exam (Aircon eh!)
60. si drei ang nagdrawing ng cartoon version ni sir sa cover ng rainbow's end. (ang cute!)
61. hindi lahat ng nakikita ay color red.
62. and last but definitely not the least, MAHAL MO ANG BUONG CLASS! MAHAL MO SI SIR BRY! diba? :)
syempre sobrang dami pa.. kayo na bahala magdagdag :D salamat sa napakasayang summer! ^_^

Sunday, May 25, 2008

I Want My Life To End

There is nothing left for me to do but write... There is nothing more that I can do to make him feel this.

When I'm hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting...

I am left with nothing...

My life going on in circles...

And it's all my fault

Everything my fault



Always the loser

Always



And tears aren't enough to get me through



I wish for the end



I want my life to end



I am always hurt



Sometimes you just don't care



About friends



Or family



Who cares?



I want this to end



I want my life to end



I am spiraling down into the dark



And the one I want to save me



Has deserted me



So who do I have left?



I've given all



I never lied



There is nothing left to lose



Please



Let this all end



Let my life end



It was all my fault



I will end what I had begun



Anyone?



Pull the trigger



Please?

Friday, May 23, 2008

1000 Oceans

Hay. Ang gulo-gulo na ng buhay ko ngayun... Kaya tuloy hindi ako makapagsulat ng matino. Kaya heto na lang, magpopost na lang ako ng lyrics... Maganda itong song na 'to...



TORI AMOS
1000 Oceans




These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness
Well, I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
And I would cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home

I'M AWARE WHAT THE RULES ARE
BUT YOU KNOW THAT I WILL RUN
YOU KNOW THAT I WILL FOLLOW YOU
Over silvery hill
Through the solar field
You know that I will follow you

And if I find you
Will you still remember
Playing at trains
Or does this little blue ball
Just fade away
Over silvery hill
Through the solar field
You know that I will follow you
I'm aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you

These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I'm floating in the darkness
WELL I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I WILL KEEP
KEEP YOU FROM FLYING
So I will cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home
Sail
SAIL YOU HOME

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Ang Sagot

PAUNAWA: Para sa mga pwedeng
makakilala sa tao na tinutukoy ko dito, sana huwag kayong mag-ingay
dahil ayoko sanang guluhin pa ang buhay ko. Pinagkakatiwalaan ko ang
mga kaibigan ko dito. Aamin din ako pero hindi pa ngayon
dahil alam niyo naman na hindi pa talaga pwede. Huwag niyo sana akong
pangunahan. Gusto ko lang mailahad ang lahat ng ito dahil kailangan ko
ang aking mga kaibigan.


Paunawa
sa aking mga estudyante ngayon. Dito sa Friendster, hindi ako teacher.
Normal na tao lang din ako at nakakadama rin naman ako, kahit na hindi
man ito wasto.


Hindi
ako nagbibiro. Please. Tumahimik na lang kayo. Kung gusto niyong may
kausapin, huwag iyong hindi pa nakakaalam. AKO ang kausapin ninyo.


***


May 1, 2008
12:30pm
Sa kuwarto ko sa dorm


Ang
saya-saya. Super excited. Kabadong-kabado. Nakaupo sa kama at hawak ang
celfone. Naghihintay. Papunta na daw siya. Hindi ako mapakali. Sa buong
buhay ko, noon ko lang naranasan ang ganung pakiramdam. Papunta na daw
siya. Ilang araw ring hinintay. Ilang gabi ring iniyakan at ngayon,
ilang minuto na lang mangyayari na din.


Wala
akong ibang iniisip. Siya lang. Hindi ko naisip kung masasaktan ba ako
o hindi, Ang naisip ko lang, papunta na siya, at siya ang unang-unang
nagpapasaya sa akin nitong mga huling araw.


***
1:30pm
Sa lobby ng dorm


Nakita ko siya. Nasa labas. Hindi ko muna siya tinawag kasi kinakabahan din ako. Sign out sa log book.


"Huy!"


Nagulat siya. Halatang kinakabahan. Naalala ko pa yung text niya: "Tau lng b?"


Inisip
ko, bakit naman kaya siya kinakabahan? Ano bang gagawin namin? Ano bang
inaakala niyang gagawin ko? Siguro alam niya. Siguro.


Ang init ng araw. Sobra. Nauna ako maglakad. Hindi masyado nag-uusap dahil sa sobrang init. Nag-abang ng taxi.


Ang
tagal. Ang init. Ako ang tumatawag sa taxi. Hinayaan lang niya ako.
Naghihintay ako na siya na lang ang tumawag pero hindi niya ginawa yun.
Ayos lang naman. Ako naman ang mas matanda.


***
1:45pm
Sa taxi


Dun ako umupo sa likod. Hindi siya tumabi. Nag-isip ako. Bakit ayaw niya tumabi?


Pero
ayos lang din dahil tuloy ang pag-text ko sa mga kaibigan ko. Para
hindi niya mahalata. Heto na. Andito na siya. Huwag na akong mareklamo.
Wala naman talaga kaming gagawin.


Sinabi
niya kanina sa waiting shed na papuntahin ko daw si "Nega". Naasar ako.
Ano bang masama kung kami lang? Bakit siya kakabahan? Wala naman akong
masamang gagawin. Bakit ba siya kinakabahan nang ganun?


***
2:00pm
Somewhere


"Magyoyosi lang ako. Hindi pa ako nagyoyosi ngayong araw."


Lumayo
ako sa kanya. Ayaw niya ng usok. Pero ok lang daw naman. Naisip ko na
wala naman siyang magagawa dahil ako ang kailangan niya. Hindi niya
lang alam kung gaano ko rin hinintay ang araw na iyon. Hindi niya alam
kung ano ang ibinayad ko para lang makasama ko siya.


Tensyon. Naninibago. Konting tanungan tungkol sa gagawin namin. Naubos ang yosi at lumapit ako. Simula na.


Tinitingnan
ko siya. Lumalapit ako. Nagkakahawakan kami minsan. Nagkakatamaan.
Kinikilala ko ang taong gumulo sa buhay ko nitong nakaraang linggo.


Higop siya nang higop sa caramel frap niya. Uhaw na uhaw. Hindi pa kami nagsisimula at ubos na yung sa kanya.


Akala
ko noong una, kakabahan ako, pero kalmado pala ako. Ako naman ang
nagdadala ng sitwasyon. Tawanan nang kaunti. Hanggang mag-biruan na.
Ilang minuto lang at gumaan na din ang loob niya. Buti naman. Siguro
nawala na ang mga duda niya.


Ang likot ng mata niya. Ng ulo niya. Tingin nang tingin sa labas. Lingon nang lingon.


"Ano ba tinitingnan mo?"


"Wala."


Tatawa na lang ako.


"Huy nakikinig ka ba?" tanong ko kapag mukhang lost na siya sa ibang mundo, na nangyayari bawat limang minuto.


"Oo. Sige, next."


Sa totoo lang, puro ako tawa nun.


Narealize
ko nung panahon na iyon na tama ako. Sabi ko na, kapag gusto ko, gusto
ko talaga. Hindi ako nagkamali. Para bang may nagsasabi sa akin na tama
ang pagpili ko. Isang tingin pa lamang noon at alam ko na.


Ang
kulit niya. Nakakaloko. Para talagang bata. Magsasalita ako at sisingit
siya. Nagsusulat ako at aagawin niya ang ballpen. Kapag hindi niya
alam, sasabihin niyang hindi talaga. Hindi siya nagdadahilan. Sinabi pa
nga niyang mangongopya na lang siya bukas.


"Hindi ka ba nahihiyang sabihin iyan? Nandito kaya ako."


"Mabait ka naman eh."


Tumawa na naman ako.


Sabi
niya noong una, kailangan ko daw magpasensya dahil mabagal siya
umintindi. Pero hindi naman iyon ang napansin ko. Isang paliwanag ko
lang at kaya na naman niya. Siguro minsan, kailangang ulitin. Pero
kapag hinayaan ko na siya, kaya na niya.


Isang beses, nakuha niya yung tamang sagot.


"Yes!" sabi niya, sabay power-up ng bisig.


Napangiti na lang ako.


"Kaya pa?" tanong ko.


Tumango siya.


"Sige, yung mahirap naman."


"Sandali lang, yosi muna ako."


Kinuha niya ang libro at hindi na mapakali.


"Sandali lang nga. Break muna ako." Nagsindi ako ng yosi.


Kinuha niya yung lighter ko at pinaglaruan.


"Uy blue flame!" sabi niya.


"O, baka picturean mo na naman iyan ha."


Nagsimula na akong magsalita ulit. Nagsusulat. Ilang segundo lang...


"Ano ba, huwag mong sunugin yang papel!"


Titigil siya. Ilang segundo lang, susunugin ulit ang papel...


"Akin na nga iyang lighter. Mag-focus ka kasi..."


Itinago ko ang lighter ko sa bag. Kunya-kunyaring galit pero sa loob-loob ko tuwang-tuwa ako sa kanya.


***
4:00pm
Somewhere


Nagligpit na siya nang gamit.


"Ayoko na, pagod na ako. Wala nang pumapasok."


"Sige, hintayin na lang natin si Nega."


Heto na. Sabi ko. Dito na magkaka-alaman.


Kaya nag-usap kami.


"Ikaw, kamusta ka naman?"


"Ha?"


"Kamusta ka?"


"Heto..."


Nalaman
ko ang mga pangarap niya. Na gusto niyang maging ganito. Na gusto
niyang magtayo ng ganito. Yun daw ang ipapang-suporta niya sa pamilya
niya balang-araw.


"Para sa pamilya ko," sabi niya. "Ikaw, pwede ka pa rin namang magkapamilya kung gusto mo."


Hindi
ako sumagot. Nakakatawa pero nalungkot ako nung sinabi niya yun. Hindi
pala ako kasama sa kinabukasan niya. Malamang hindi naman talaga dapat.
Pero naramdaman kong wala akong puwesto sa buhay niya.


"Ano naman ipapangalan mo sa itatayo mong restaurant?"


"Rainbow's End"


Pinigil ko na lang na mapaluha.


"Bakit mo pa kasi pinapaalala yan? Nalulungkot tuloy ako..."


Maya-maya...


"Kayo pa ba ng boyfriend mo?"


"Hindi na nga."


Katahimikan.


***


"Bakit ba kasi hindi ka sumasama sa amin?"


At
iyon nagpaliwanag siya. At habang nagsasalita siya, nakita ko sa kanya
ang sarili ko. Naramdaman ko na may parte ng aming mga pagkatao na
pareho kami. Naramdaman ko na isa siya sa mga taong makakaintindi sa
akin.


Kagaya ko siya.


Pero mas magaling pa siya sa akin.


Akala
ko noon, kapag nakilala ko na siya, mawawala din ang pakiramdam kong
ito. Na kapag nakilala ko na siya, matatawa na lang ako at maiisip kong
hindi kami bagay.


Pero hindi...


Hindi ganun.


Nalaman
ko na kahit mas bata pa siya sa akin, marami na rin siyang alam. Na
kaya kong makipag-usap sa kanya ng mga malalalim na bagay at
maiintindihan niya. Na kaya niyang tumanggi kung yun talaga ang
nararamdaman niya. Nalaman ko na totoo siya. Na simple ang buhay niya.
Na parang bata siya kumilos pero marami siyang alam. Nalaman ko na
malalim siya at magkakaintindihan kami. Hindi lang lalim ng utak. Lalim
ng puso. Isa siya sa mga taong akala mo ay mababasa mo lang sa mga
libro.


Siya
yung tao na mas marami ang kayang gawin kaysa sa akin. Siya yung taong
kayang mag-liwaliw at matauhan pagkatapos. Yung tipong maghahagilap ako
para sa oras niya sa dami ng ginagawa niya. Siya yung tao na magtuturo
sa akin ng mga bagay na hindi ko kayang gawin. Siya yung tao na
magpapamukha sa akin na wala akong buhay. Siya yun. Hinahangaan ko
siya. Tinatanggap kong mas mataas siya kaysa sa akin. Siya yung taong
NAKAKADAMA at hindi lang PURO UTAK! Siya yung tao na tinatrato ako
bilang kapantay. Bilang katapat. Kahit na limang taon ang tanda ko sa
kanya.


PUTANG-INA! SIYA ANG GUSTO KO!


Pero narealize ko na wala akong puwesto sa puso niya. Na planado na ang lahat para sa kanya.


Oo gusto ko siya.


Gustong-gusto ko.


Pero alam ko na masisira ko ang buhay niya kapag ipinagpilitan ko ang sarili ko.


Masisira ko yung "innocence" niya.


Na sa sobrang paghanga ko sa kanya, naisip kong hayaan na lang siya. Na hindi nararapat sa kanya ang isang taong kagaya ko.


Dumilim ang langit. Kumulog. Nagulat siya nung kumidlat at napatingin sa langit.


"Ang weird naman ng panahon, summer tapos uulan," sabi ko.


"Para mag-emote ka"


Hindi ko lang ipinapakita sa kanya pero nakalabas na ang puso ko.


"May alam akong song. Ipaparinig ko sa iyo kapag patapos na ang sem," sabi niya.


"Ano iyon? Sabihin mo na para maisali ko sa album"


Ayaw niya sabihin nung una.


"Alam mo yung "Keep Holding On?" tinanong na rin niya.


"Avril Lavigne?"


Hindi siya sigurado. Maya-maya...


"Ah oo. Avril Lavigne nga."


"Oo. Alam ko iyon. Avril Lavigne pa! Fan ako nun. Actually iniisip ko nga kung isasama ko yun sa album eh."


Pinatugtog niya yung song. Nabigla ako kasi marami rin namang tao dun. Nilakasan pa niya.


"May ibibigay ako sa iyo pagtapos ng sem. Maiiyak ka," sabi niya.


"Ano yun?"


"Hindi mo ba napapansin, pinipicturean ka namin sa class."


"Ah. Hindi masyado."


Tuloy
pa rin ang musika niya. May isang song, "Say Goodbye" ng S Club 7.
Dinidictate pa niya sa akin ang lyrics. Wala siyang pakialam kahit na
lumilingon na yung ibang mga tao.


"Pinapa-emote nga kita eh..."


Hindi ako sumagot. Umuulan na.


"Gusto ko maalala mo ako na ako yung nagpaiyak sa iyo..."


PUTANG-INA KUNG ALAM MO LANG!!!! NAGAWA MO NA IYON AT PAPATINDIHIN MO PA!

***
5:30pm
Somewhere


Mag-isa na lang ako. Nagyoyosi.


Nag-iisip. Nakikinig sa "Keep Holding On" na ipina-bluetooth ko sa kanya.


Iniisip ko yung sinabi niya kanina:


"Alam mo, ang pangarap ko, yung maging selfless"


"Selfless? Ano yun? Paano ba talaga yun?"


"Yung hindi mo na iniisip yung sarili mo... Parang service... Pero hindi ko pa rin magawa hanggang ngayon eh... Kasi..."


Nalungkot siya.


"Siguro,"
sabi ko, "kailangan mo muna maging selfish nago ka maging selfless para
maranasan mo na muna yun. Parang ako, bago ako mag-settle down,
kailangan ko na muna dumaan dito. Para kapag ready na ako, ready na
talaga ako..."


Hindi na siya sumagot.


***
9:00pm
Computer shop


Nag-iisip ako.


Ngayon lang ako nakakita ng tao na kagaya niya. Wala pa akong hinahangaan na tao na kasing taas ng paghanga ko sa kanya.


Nakakatawa
pero pakiramdam ko parang... Parang may konek kami. Pakiramdam ko na
may itinatago siyang kadiliman na alam ko at kaya ko sanang punan...
Lahat na lang ng gawin niya, o sabihin niya, nakakatuwa para sa akin.
Siya na nga ang hinahahanap ko. Alam ko. ALAM KO, SIYA NGA ANG HINAHANAP KO


Pero...


Pero bakit ngayon na nakakilala ako ng taong gusto ko talaga, saka pa ako mapanghihinaan ng loob...


Hindi ko kayang sirain ang buhay niya. Ang paniniwala niya...


Gusto
ko siyang makilala. Gusto ko siyang pasayahin kasi sabi niya
nalulungkot siya parati... Gusto ko siyang alagaan... Ewan ko ba.
Ngayon ko lang naramdaman 'to sa buhay ko...


Pero pakiramdam ko, kailangan ko siyang pakawalan...


Para din sa ikabubuti niya...


Putang-ina...


Ganito ba ang pagiging selfless?

***
SAY GOODBYE
S Club 7

Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts in your heart,
is the only way for destiny
Sometimes goodbye, though it hurts,
is the only way now for you and me
Though it's the hardest thing to say
I'll miss your love in every way
So say goodbye
But don't you cry
'Cause true love never dies