Tunes

I pulled my guitar from under my bed and dusted off its case. I eased it out carefully. I placed it on my lap and fingered the smudges on its blue surface. There is this dent which it got when it fell from my chair during the days in the dorm when Bart was teaching me how to pluck. There's this piece of masking tape I wrapped around one of the tuners because it was wobbly. Then there's this "Demons" album cover sticker I attached to its side from the time I just released the album. That made me remember why I bought the guitar in the first place though. And I frowned.

I tried to strum G D Am C and noticed how out of tune it was - no surprise since I hadn't used it for months. I had been too busy, I thought. I did not have the time to spare for such things. But mostly though, there was just no good reason for me to play my guitar because there was no one to play it for.

I traced the guitar strings while I immersed myself in recalling those days I played it back in IC's old junior faculty room. When I will play it with whoever was willing to sing. Sometimes it was Cressa who will sing. Sometimes Bart, Thommy, and Louvy. Sometimes Ate Babeh. And if there's no one around, I sing myself, not caring if I'm causing a racket because I know my colleagues love me all the same. And I had a grand time, just me and my guitar, there in my cubicle in the faculty room. Especially when I improvised a ballad out of the K-pop song "Nobody". It was silly, but I think it sounded nice.

And I remembered all the guys I've played the guitar for. How I played it earnestly everytime. How I really tried and did my best, even if I'm no expert when it comes to either singing or playing. I remember how I hauled it all the way to D**'s house only to learn that it went out of tune while I was traveling. I remember how I channeled my anger at J**** while he just listened and I played "Linger", strumming each chord with a violence I can barely contain. I remember how M***** taught me "California King Bed", and how we sang it even when we were in the shower together. And of course, how R* sang OPM songs and how he did it exceptionally well to the amazement of my friends though they know that he should be good since he was a real vocalist of a band.

But before all of them, I remember those lonely nights with me in the living room. When I quietly played "Just When I Needed You Most" because that was the only time I can sing it the way I really wanted to. Sure that no one will hear how my voice quivers. Sure that no one will hear how my voice breaks near the end.

Initially, I bought this guitar as a means to distract myself. As a way for me to cope after my longest relationship dissolved. And now it has become more than that. It had become a symbol for hope and love and friendship and other happy things. It has become another instrument for me to express what I feel to those I care about the most.

It had only been three years since I bought this second-hand guitar, and I'm surprised at how much it has already witnessed. How much we've gone through together. How much it had become a part of my life in a way that I did not anticipate. And pulling it out from under my bed after a long time felt like looking at old pictures again. Painful at first, maybe. But liberating in the end.

It has been months and more and now I'm finally dusting myself off from my past. I'm standing up again and I am ready for new beginnings. Like my guitar, I've been out of tune when it came to love but that doesn't mean I'm completely broken. All I needed was someone to tune me right again. All I needed was an inspiration, a reason to make me hear these melodies again. In my heart.

And my, it has been a really long time...