F. A. Q.

Why do you blog so often?

Because I want to preserve as many of my thoughts as I can while I can. From the frequency of me posting entries, you might say that I get to record a lot, but in reality I don't. There are a lot more things happening in my life than are written in here. From my approximations, I only get to record about 20% of those events and ideas I consider important.

Do you believe in privacy?

Yes, but if you are referring to my sexually related entries, I've already mentioned that my goal wasn't simply to "kiss and tell". I've had sexuality issues before and somehow, I want to help those who are in the same situation as I was. And have you ever read a whiff about me and D in that light?

What is your sexuality?

Chiyo's friend Peanuts actually helped me define clearly what I am, and what he said (indirectly), was that I should just stop trying to categorize myself since it will only make things more difficult for me. I will behave according to what I feel, and not according to how I should behave. But I am sure that I am not completely gay nor completely straight.

Some rumours say that you only used your past relationships as a cover for your homosexuality. What will you say to that?

Relationships are based on emotions, and those of us who are mature enough know that feelings do change, and still, perhaps some may say that I was wrong in hurting this person or that - all I can say is that I had a lot to learn and at that time, I acted the best way I could. No, I did not use them. I am not a very good actor, and I am not that mean.

Do you still love "Y"?

It is sad to think that we could have had it all and yet I let her go. I believe she knows how hard it was for me at that time, and if ever there was a chance we might still get together again I have to decline because we have already been there.

Do you still love "O"?

So many unfinished business? Our last conversation finally knocked me out of my senses. He's a git, and I'm way way way better than him. I was hurt because he denied his friendship, not his love. And right now, I really don't care about his friendship even. Why should I when he doesn't?

Do you love "Z"?

To be honest, our relationship is not at all perfect, but as I've said I've already learned how it is to be committed. I think about it often, and in the end, who I want to be is with my baby, no one else. Not even alpha. My baby is my baby - he loves me and I love him.

Why are you so close to your students?

I don't know. I believe that most of my colleagues are thinking that I'm already overdoing it. It is a spontaneous thing - when I teach, I am myself. I do not become a different person. And I see no bad in being close to them.

Do you want to be a writer?

Yes, but only for leisure. This is actually how I practice - through this blog.

Do you think you are wise enough to talk about life as you do in some of your entries?

These are merely my opinions and I am well aware that I may be wrong in some of my philosophies and personal beliefs. To each his own, and this is my blog remember. Besides, I am not as inexperienced about life as some of my younger readers, so I share what little lessons I've learned along the way.

Do you think you are a good person even if you have no religion?

All I know is that I try not to do to others what I do not want them to do to me. A scientist is able to expand his ideas more than some of those narrow-minded religious people.

This entry is not very significant. Why post?

I was browsing through J. K. Rowling's webpage and I was inspired by her own F. A. Q. section. And for another, I'm lonely tonight, and I've got nothing better to do but think and express myself as I always do during troubled times.

Why are you always so full of drama?

I don't know. I think it's in my genes. I don't always like it, but there it is...

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side

Paano Maglaro ng Frisbee

Malamig sa Sunken. Kahit na medyo mataas na ang araw, sa lilim ng mga puno, may konting "breeze". Pero doon sa gitna kami maglalaro ng frisbee, kasama ang mga students ko. At siyempre kasama din si baby. Hehe. Naisip ko nga na ang kulang na lang siguro ay musika sa background at alak para makumpleto na ang kaligayahan ko.

Hawakan mo ang frisbee. Maraming klase ng paghawak pero piliin mo na lang yung kung saan ka pinaka-komportable. Dapat good ang grip para malayo ang marating ng frisbee at tatama naman sa target.

Actually, hindi naman talaga kasali si baby. Nanood lang siya kasi ayaw niya nang napapagod. Anyway, nagwarm-up muna kami. Si Nikko nga may nalalaman pang aerobics. Haha. Naglaro muna kami ng imbento kong laro. Yung tipong volleyball-type na frisbee game. Dalawang teams: Dark-colored shirts versus light-colored. White ang suot kong shirt noon.

May tamang porma din dapat ang katawan. Dapat hindi parallel ang iyong mga binti. May konting pag-bend din ng mga tuhod. In a way, para kang magbobowling.

Nagsimula na ang game at dahil nasa east ang araw, north and south ang posisyon namin. Unfair nga dahil nasa shade ang team namin pero kami naman yung nasa may "creek" kaya pahirapan tuloy kapag hindi nasasalo yung frisbee or "out of bounds" na nangyayari most of the time. Most improved player si Lailah. Pero si Ishe, patabingi pa rin ang pagtira. Hehe. Sina Daisy naman meron pang nalalamang fusion technique from Dragonball Z bago tumira.

Kapag tama na ang posisyon ng iyong katawan, tingnan mong maigi ang kondisyon ng paligid. Mahangin ba? Saang direksyon? Ang araw nasaan? Tandaan mong ang goal mo ay hindi lang maitapon ang frisbee kundi maitapon ito para masalo nang kasama mo.

After ng warmup, nagsimula na kaming mag-Ultimate Frisbee kaso hindi ganoon kadali dahil naghanap muna kami ng suitable na goals. Nagpunta sila sa gitna ng Sunken samantalang bumalik muna ako kay baby dahil ang alam ko, pauwi na siya. Pagkatapos ko siyang ihatid, naka-ready na. Mas mataas at mas malaki yung isang goal pero ayos lang daw dahil si Nikko naman ang magbabantay.

Ngayon, tingnan mo naman ang iyong destinasyon. Sino ba ang sasalo? Maliit ba siya o matangkad? Dapat ayusin mo ang iyong focus para sigurado kang pagtapon mo, masasalo niya. Tandaan: in essence, horizontal ang pagtapon. Kapag malayuan, siyempre kailangang itaas mo ang tapon pero beginner ka pa lang naman eh.

Sinimulan na ang laro. Maraming nagkamali agad dahil sa traveling (kasama na ako). Marami ring hindi nasasalo kaya lumilipat lagi ang possession ng frisbee. Pero mas masaya ngayon. Astig. Gumagaling na ang mga students ko. Lalo na si Cleo kahit na minsan ay nagiging violent na. Hehe. Siyempre si Kara at si Jerome magagaling pa din. Ever since naman eh. Si Daisy ang galing mag-block. Si Ian at Jessica game na game din. Alam kaya nilang last time na itong paglalro namin? Ang score 3:1, leading kami.

At kung handa ka nang itapon ang frisbee. Kung alam mo na ang iyong destinasyon. Kung alam mo na kung paano igagalaw ang iyong braso at mga binti. Kung alam mo na kung saan mo dapat itapon ang frisbee...

Pagkatapos ng break, dumating na si Kat na hindi pa daw naliligo. Tinuloy ang laro matapos manood ng soccer game ng mga kiddos. Si Kat, dahil hindi naligo, hindi tuloy makuha ang frisbee. Hehe. Nahabol tuloy ng kabilang team ang score. Natapos ang laro nang 4:6 ang score. Panalo ang dark-colored shirt team.

Kung handa ka nang itapon ang frisbee, pakawalan mo ito.

Nauna na akong umalis dahil may magpapaturo pa sa akin na ibang 28.1 students. Umalis na ako. "Magkikita pa kaya tayo?" ang tanong ko sa kanila. "Oo naman Sir!" sabi nila. "Babay," sabi ko. "Mwahmwah" at tumalikod na ako dahil ayaw ko nang mag-emote pa.

Ang frisbee... Pakawalan mo...

Natapos na naman ang isang sem. At sa bawat pag-alis ng isang batch ng mga students, may dumadagdag na mga alaala. Sabi nga ni Doreen, hindi magiging mas mahirap ang pagtatapos ng aming klase kung hindi kami naging close. Kung hindi dahil sa akin, sabi nila.

Pakawalan mo...

Wala na akong mga kakwentuhan during at after ng class...

Wala nang makikinig sa aking mga kuwento tungkol kay X, Y, Z, O, at alpha...

Wala nang tawanan...

Wala nang dramahan...

Wala nang "life's lessons"...

Pakawalan mo...

Wala nang album updates...

Wala nang Gwen Stefani bonus questions...

Wala na kong ka-frisbee...

Isang sem lang ang lumipas at pagkatapos nun, wala na. Kaput!

Pakawalan mo...

Tapos na at mga alaala na lang ang natira.

Pakawalan mo...

Paalam sa mga estudyante ko. Hindi niyo lang alam na kayo ang nagbibigay ng kahulugan sa aking buhay. At alam niyo naman na totoo yun.

Pakawalan mo... dahil sasaluhin nila.

Paalam!

At ibabalik nila ulit sa iyo.

Comprehension

Read the following conversation and answer the questions that follow. In your analysis, don't forget to note the time each has given his reply and try to elucidate what each is feeling at the time.

X (10:26 PM):  can we talk if you're not busy?

O (10:27 PM):  cno 2?

X (10:28 PM):  if i tell you, i'm afraid you'll stop talking to me

O (10:29 PM):  aral na q, bye!

X (10:30 PM):  please? just for 10 minutes?

O (10:30 PM):  nop, bc aq.....

X (10:30 PM):  ok

X (10:30 PM):  i'm sorry

O (10:31 PM):  2 mins?

X (10:31 PM):  thanks

X (10:31 PM):  kamusta ka na?

O (10:31 PM):  ayos lang

X (10:31 PM):  galit ka pa ba sakin?

O (10:32 PM):  nop

X (10:32 PM):  pasensya na tlga kung nafreak out kita ha

X (10:32 PM):  hindi ko din tlga maintindihan feelings ko eh

O (10:33 PM):  ok

X (10:33 PM):  bakit ka lumayo?

O (10:34 PM):  lumayo?

X (10:35 PM):  you said you wanted to leave everything behind di ba?

X (10:35 PM):  and you never replied to my messages

X (10:37 PM):  actually... that's ok

X (10:38 PM):  i understand

X (10:38 PM):  you asked me to do my best to understand

X (10:38 PM):  and i did try my best

O (10:41 PM):  ok times up,bye

X (10:42 PM):  di ka naman sumagot eh

X (10:43 PM):  alam mo

X (10:43 PM):  the reason why i still can't move on

X (10:43 PM):  is because i CANNOT understand what you are doing

X (10:43 PM):  and since you don't want to explain anyway

X (10:48 PM):  i can almost believe what my friends say

X (10:48 PM):  that perhaps you are too arrogant

X (10:48 PM):  that you never cared how i felt

X (10:49 PM):  and i can't blame you for being like that

X (10:49 PM):  because that is who you are

X (10:50 PM):  but i'm not...

X (10:51 PM):  ...

O (10:52 PM):  klangan nagdradrama?

X (10:54 PM):  sorry

O (10:54 PM):  i have a long exam tomorrow, so please, if you still believe in the word RESPECT.

X (10:55 PM):  do you believe in that word?

X (10:56 PM):  ikaw na lang ba lagi ang masusunod??!

X (10:56 PM):  wala ba kong karapatan?

X (11:01 PM):  you like to fling words to my face - respect, pagiging civil, religious - e ikaw mismo, hindi mo naman ipinapakita

O (11:01 PM):  that's why i'm not saying anything at all because i have nothing to say in the first place. if you can't live with it, then pretend that i don't exist.

O (11:03 PM):  i'm studying..... pls. pls. pls?

X (11:03 PM):  ok

X (11:03 PM):  one last word

X (11:03 PM):  try to remember who we were

X (11:04 PM):  good night and good luck

Answer the following questions.

1. What do you think is O's relationship to X? How were you able to arrive at that answer?

2. Why do you think X started the conversation in the first place? What could have been his goal?

3. What do you think happened in O's and X's past? How long do you think have they not been able to communicate?

4. Do you think O's impolite tone of conversation is justifiable? Why is X tolerating it?

5. Why do you think the conversation ended badly for X? Fully explain each possible reason.

6. Why do you think is O always snubbing X's messages? Does he have a reason for behaving like that?

6. Look at O's second to the last response. What do you think is he feeling towards X?

7. Do you think X did something wrong to O?

8. Do you think O did something wrong to X?

9. Do you think that X is too emotional while O is too indifferent?

10. What do you think are X's and O's feelings after the conversation? Is another conversation between the two of them still possible? Explain.

Cold

It's cold outside. I feel it more because I'm sick.

It's cold outside. Because as I was making my Blog Directory, I can't help myself from being immersed in several months of my own emotions. Everything felt fresh again. The wounds I thought to be healed, reopened. The memories I thought forgotten, refreshed.

It's cold outside. And I left my jacket at home because I thought the medicine I took earlier will help me deal with the cool air. But I was wrong. Because I'm already shivering now - and I'm indoors.

It's cold outside. And I have no company tonight but the stars and the dark sky - so reminiscent of the rooftop. And with that single word, a lot of memories come crashing back to me, pressing my skull like needles. I am too old. I am too old and there are only enough memories my mind can accomodate. I am too old, and I can only afford to remember so much.

It's cold outside. And tomorrow, my classes' days are numbered. Several hours till it's goodbye. And all the heartbreaks I've felt every sembreak. Every time my students go... The pain. They all come back. There are only so many faces my heart can afford to love. but how many students have gone through me. How many students have I got through?

It's cold outside. And there's no remedy for this coldness I'm feeling but letting this nostalgia take over me. Like waves running through the things I've written on the beach which is this blog. They come over me in waves, and I can only do so much to avoid making a fool out of myself for feeling sad over trivial things like memories. Memories... what are they but remembrances of pain?

It's cold outside. And like how many times I've began my paragraphs with "it's cold outside", things just happen again. Again and again. Every sem. Every sembreak. Every a few or so days. Every week. I return to where I've been. To the pain I was born with. Things go on in circles.

It's cold outside. Because it's cold inside, too.

And when, in the past, you've allowed yourself to be hurt so bad for no sensible reason at all and no matter how you think you've convinced yourself you've moved on now and when you've recorded every stinking detail of the hell you have gone through and you read it again, fresh as yesterday's heartaches you might as well end writing about it because it will only make you remember things you've rather have forgotten, yet you know that deep inside you're still in that exact hurting state which is so painful even the memory of it causes you unexplainable coldness after all this TIME!

ENTRIES: A to M

I am making this for my future reference. Sometimes, we just feel like looking back on some of our previous entries - our previous thoughts, who we were...

I will, of course, update this from time to time, and hopefully improve this. I can, for example, rate my own entries or make a short description of what they're about.

2 Become 1 "Tiningnan ko nang patago ang mga pasahero ng bus, lalo na yung mga nasa likuran. Wala. Wala namang nakatingin. Hindi nila tayo makikita."

4 in the Morning "And all I know is you’ve got to give me everything
And nothing less 'cause you know I’d give you all of me "

4D "Of all times, you shouldn't lose your concentration now."

7 "I cannot convince myself to go on and try again because I am trying but you don't believe me because I keep silent."

A Call For All Sexes "I've realized that one of the few bad things about being openly gay is that people begin to consider you as inconsequential."

A Memory of His Face "But today was different. Today, I just woke from a dream I've never had before... "

A Note/ Plan V "This afternoon, I was checking my Chem 16 students' prelabs, and I came upon this small sheet of paper inserted in a lab notebook."

A Reason For Religion "I thought on death as the strong wind blew in short strong gusts I had to adjust my footing to avoid stumbling from it. How soon before it was my turn to sit on the chair near the freshly-turned earth?"

A Significunt Entry "Wait, why do I have to be so prudish? SEX! I'm talking about SEX!"

A Thursday To Remember "I woke up in someone else's room, still exhausted."

Almost Crazy Fantastically "What does it take? Tell me!! What does it take to forget??! Ive drank all the alcohol I could and still I cant let this out. I need more! More! Its just not enough.."

All You've Left Me With "You've taken away the only thing I can cherish about us besides love. Now I'm left with scraps. No not even. I must accept the truth. I'm left with NOTHING."

AloHOMOra! "When Snape throws him in detention to clean stuff in the dungeons, he fucks Snape himself. For Harry is not in control of himself anymore, he now follows the Order of his Penis."

Alpha "Because you are nothing but his ghost who is present only in my imagination..."

Always Come Back To You "When you're at that point in life It just has to be tonight"

Ang Krimen "Shet shet shet shet shet. Whaat ano ito? Bakit may nararamdaman akong matulis sa likod ko?"

Another Day "Today I woke just in time. It was 7am when I opened my eyes, put on my shirt, and jumped off Boi's bed."

As Long As "just having fun with my fellow dancers and with the audience, savoring that precious moment when I am able to do what I love to do in front of people."

Asked For This "I am asking you to please understand that I got myself too involved with you and that in order for me to let go and move on, you have to do something too."

B-Men "What if bisexuality can be cured? Will I take it or will I be holding a placard instead?"

Bad Teacher "I am not your goody-two-shoes prof. I drink, I smoke, I don't check papers in time, I say bad words in class, etc. And yet, I love my students."

Better Than Text "tatanungin nila akong, "Sir, bakit mag-isa ka lang?", itataas ko na lang ang balikat ko kasi wala akong maisagot."

Blah Blog "Good evening class, our lesson for today is about blogging. Ano ba ang blog? Paano nga ba mag-blog? Ano ba ang katuturan nito sa ating buhay? Makakain ko ba ito?"

Boyfriend "Kakausapin mo siya? Tapos? Iiyakan? Tapos kung papayag siya, hug mo siya? Tapos kiss?"

Catcher "I'm falling from this cliff again Not knowing where I'll land"

Changes "It seems like my New Year's Resolution has been made for me with the recent and still bitter loss of my fone."

Cold "It's cold outside. Because it's cold inside, too."

Comprehension "Ok time's up. Bye."

Cookie "I even scribbled little hearts (forgive me) and smiley faces on the edges of my notebook because I felt so strangely high."

Cookie 2 "Bakit nacancel daw yung date niyo last Saturday?"

Cough It All Out "Maybe it's time I return to the place where all my sorrows started.. Im coming back up to the rooftop. And perhaps jump."

Courage "I told myself that if it is going to happen, I will make it happen. I will know the outcome NOW."

Creation and Creations "The last thought that I can remember before falling asleep one night was that about the validity of the existence of religion and of God."

Cum Laude For Nothing "Intelligence is bullshit!"

D the Dermatologist "I feel ashamed, true, being so exposed to the person I want to please most in the world, And yet, I feel warmth, too."

Dancefloor "Well, you know me. You can call me "the Spider" for the way I try to make things happen to my own pleasure."

David "It is hard to think that this... cruel monster... who's always causing us misery used to be my brother. He used to be David."

de la Isla "dahil alam nating lahat na hindi iyon ang sukatan ng pagkalalaki. Nasa pagharap natin ito sa ating mga problema."

Don't "Stop putting dreams in my head/ When I should've thought of him instead"

Don't Tell Me That I'm Falling In Love "Don't tell me that I'm falling in love. Because I don't want to fall again with no one to catch me."

"Eleven" and "Back For More" "There is nothing worth saying today except that my new album is almost ready."

Emptied "I was playing with my lighter, tossing it up, catching it as it falls. I tried it with my eyes closed, and I failed."

Escape "Run! Run like your running for your life! Run like Im a monster. I want to run! I want to get away from this. I want to know how it feels to escape and free myself of... you."

Exam Blues "What is the cheverloo of chukchakchenes if 459.38 Chuvs is chukchak with 3.409857 Keverloo?"

Excelsior! "I dont think anybody will read this anyway, but im going to put loads in here. Especially my journal entries and some other stuff i wrote."

F.A.Q. "Do you believe in privacy?"

Facing A Facelift "If I wanted to talk about serious stuff, I can do that. And you cannot stop me."

Finally "As of now, I'm still astounded. My thoughts are still scattered even if a week has already passed since Cookie said "yes" to me..."

Fine Fine "Geez I was talking about this serious shit again. Fine fine. I will try to be fine."

Fuck You I Love You "We are all for sale at one price or another. Each of us has an idea of our own worth, which we unconsciously compare with those of other people."

Fucking Issue "While we were inside the bathroom, somebody came."

GF2BF "I've said we've broken up, and that's that. But I couldn't say that I've replaced her with a boyfriend though!"

Goodbye Sir Willie "I will remember Sir Willie and the price of being too tardy when you cannot afford to be."

Gripping Sanity "What are words? Will they change my sexuality? Will they change how crazy I am? What can they do?!"

Hale "Hoy! Balita ko according to the latest chika may bago ka na daw! Ooops! Secret ba?"

Harry & Me "I've always wanted to be Harry. I've followed his journey through the magical world, imagining it was I in his place, fighting against the Dark forces... "

Heartbreakers "Go away, bastard. You're full of shit, and if ever I see you alone I'm sorry but things might just get out of my hands. I might hurt you."

Hell's Glare "God, what are you putting me through? I started turning away from you. Because, as I was getting older, I change. I learn things about myself. I began to understand what a cursed life you are putting me into."

Helping You Out "I dont think I deserve that fone. I mean, I've told you that I'm basically wasting my money on booze and parties."

Heto Na Naman Tayo "Malamig ka. Parang malayo. Napangiti na lang ako. At sinabi ko sa sarili ko, "Heto na naman tayo...""

Hiatus "I am letting things lie by themselves for a while. I realized, after talking with my high school friends during my "Coming Out Party", that I am taking too much control over my life."

HIV+ "But how am I going to explain it to those I had sex with since?"

Holding On "Despite my failures, I try to keep a straight face and be brave for tomorrow. I'm holding on, even if it seems fate itself is unclasping my fingers from my grip. I'm fighting the devil."

Home "Is this how my life should be? Efforts, pretensions, looking away from what I really want? Why can't I make it work?!"

Hunk "Nahihiya kasi ako sa katawan ko dun. Parang one-half lang ako nang ibang tao dun. Yung iba pa nga, one third lang siguro ako."

Hunk 2 "I will be able to flirt more. I can finally take my shirt off whenever I'm hot. I will be hot."

Hunk 3 "I give lifting weights, especially the chest press and the shoulder press, my all! "

Hunter Haunted "Who knows? Who knows I made myself foolishly suffer when in fact, it was he who is pining away, trapped by his own deluded personality?"

I Will Never Forget the Eleventh "But deep inside, in the sparkle of my eye, there is something which still burns. And that is the memory of the wonderful times we have spent with each other."

I'm Speaking Up "It was around this same time last year when I was being beaten up on the streets of KNL."

I'm Still Remembering "I am still not completely sober. Ive just arrived from an inuman with my Chem 16 10 to 1 class"

Idle Itching "Yeah, youd be quite thick if you were not able to guess what drives me to blog. Or maybe, you were deluded. The thing is, its out."

If I Were You "If I were you, I wouldn't have considered me as a trophy of your vanity. A captured soul hanging around your neck."

Ikaw, Ikaw, Ikaw, at Ikaw "Naaalala mo pa ba ang mga yosi breaks natin sa rooftop, at dala-dala ko ang aking discman at isang mug ng Pop Cola habang naghihintay tayo ng shooting stars?"

Ikot "Kung mayroon lang akong dalang tabla nang magkita tayo sa Ikot jeep, hahampasin kita nang paulit-ulit."

In One Word/ The Beginning of the End "Sana naging student ko ikaw 'no? I know inggit ka, you might have had the class of your life! Hahahaha!"

In This Deep "No matter how clear you've presented my options, some things just can't bear being said without me getting hurt."

Into the Blue "Why did I watch it again? Well, you know, because somebody there reminds me of someone.. Yuck, i am totally not moving on."

Lasahan Mo 'To "I was a fool to let her go, I realize now. I was the biggest fool. Who would love me as much as she did? Nobody. I will not find anybody else who will accept for everything that I am."

Lightning-Shaped Scar "Great in comparison with other people.
With my personal standards though, I am not up to scratch."

Like an Ogier to a Stedding "My Chiyo's love is like washing my underwear."

Love Spell "Last year's Valentine's, I was at home, absent from school. I never even remembered that it was Valentine's... This year though... it is different."

Lucky "I'm LE Cardona for Fag News standing outside the IC Building waiting for Lucky... Oh my gulay, here he cums!"

Mga Pagtakas sa Katotohanan "Hayan na ang tama! Talon diyan, sayaw dito, higa dun sabay iyak at tawa. May tama na nga ako."

Motivation "I was used to being pampered when it comes to relationships. Now it's my turn to sweat for it."

Music Update: "Break" Lineup Finalized "In a press conference held in the Shangri-la Hotel in Cebu City, Mr. de la Isla gave hints and comments about his latest music sensation yet to come."

Music Update: "Lovely" Lineup Finalized " "The songs here are, indeed, the best of the best songs, both aesthetically and lyrically. It's really really good, I can't have enough of it," he shares amidst wild and manic cheering from the people present."

Music Update: Plans for the Upcoming Album "Light" Revealed ""Light" will focus more on the theme of redemption, in contrast to the dark and dreary album which was "Break" released early October last year."

My AC/DC Shirt "It's like he wanted to be mad at me, or... or humiliate me and question me. All I was able to say was, "Yes. I know...""

My Day "So what happened was that I couldn't possibly go straight home in that condition. I detoured to SM to watch a movie. And my plan was to watch it until I rot."

My Last Night at the Rooftop "Where I grew up, where I fell, where I loved, where I revealed myself, where I lived with happiness and acceptance, where I almost killed myself, where I became a man... at least for a while."

My Speech "Love, Sir Bry"

ENTRIES: N to Z

No. Never. ""I am so happy," I said, holding his hands. Tears in my eyes. "I am... too." PUTANG-INA MO BRY, ANG TANGA MO!"

No Read No Right "Do we blog because we are unstable? Because we need to hold on to superficial things like Friendster blogs or livejournal to make our lives make sense?"

Noon ""Mommy," sabi ko. "May bago akong nililigawan ngayon..."Tiningnan nya ako. "Sino?" "Lalaki...""

Oblation Run "Butts."

On My Bed "What was more important was that he has shown how he felt. He loved, even if he was not loved back. He loved. Thats it. Thats what matters."

On The Fulcrum "The day has come. And the clock is ticking...Holy shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

One Click "Click on the white "X" in the top right corner of the box that contains the photo of the friend you wish to delete."

One Summer Night "It was stiff, and it pressed against my hand. If I hold it too hard, he moans."

Open-Mindedness "Bry, you're more sinful than the average person. And it's affecting your life in ways you might not realize. For one thing, your sex drive may ultimately be your downfall."

Paglimot "Na minsan. Ay nagmahal ako. Iniwanan. At kinalimutan."

Paths "Fools! Drawing to conclusions! Just because you know a part of the story does not mean the rest will be like what you think it is."

Pretty Thing "Hey you, you pretty thing you You never read my blogs, do you? Perhaps it's better if you never do Your ego then will be enough for two"

Prey "In one small fenced off area, surrounded by blocks of stone and iron, the devil was pacing back and forth upon an altar."

Prostitute "Hindi ko siya kinakausap dahil wala namang kailangang pag-usapan. Nagawa ko na ang trabaho ko. Yun lang."

Pushing My Buttons "Sometimes, I just want to tell the world, tell my classmates, tell Professor Laurena that I do have a life outside school and that I have control over the things I do. I am not to be dictated by the academe!"

Re: I Deserve It " "I would like to leave everything behind," he said. "I hope you'll try your best to understand." "

Resurgam "A weird feeling. Like i have just awakened. (Look, I know all this sounds made up and cheesy, but it did happen you know!). You know who saved me? It's Gwen Stefani! Yeah!"

Sa Apartment "Haha. Nakakamiss din kasi ang fucking."

Sa Kasal Mo "Walang Bry. Bawal si Bry. Wala ako doon. Bawal ako sa pinaka-espesyal na araw ng iyong buhay."

Sa Motel "10 am, naglalakad ako sa may _______. Palingon-lingon. Kabado. Sobrang kabado. First time ko 'to gagawin. At sa hindi ko pa kakilala."

Sana "Ilang pulgada lang ang distansya natin sa isa't isa kanina sa maluwag na Ikot. Isang lingon ko lang, pwede na kitang matitigan."

Say No "But has it ever occured in your secret fantasies of getting the chance to have your wish fulfilled, to proudly confront your genie and say with audacity, "No thanks, I'm happy with who and what I am right now." "

Shots "This will be the last time you will hug my body pure and untouched by others. This will be our last hug together as Chiyo and Toy, you and me, Honey and Honey."

Sige "Wala nang sasagabal sa aming dalawa para matagpuan namin kung sino ba talaga ang nararapat para sa amin."

Sir "What if I touch his hand while he was giving me back my lab notebook. Will I finally get confirmation?"

Six Feet Under "Six feet under, under my skin/ there's a battle I know I cant win/ you invade me, and I surrender/ yeah, that's what I hate about you"

Skeleton Warrior "Chest pain. Blinking lights. Christmas. Problem set."

Smile "I won't forget to smile. It wouldn't be that flashy as yours though. It would be more like a slight quirking of the corners of my lips. My small expression to say that "I hate you! You've made a fool out of me, but that's cool." "

Soon "I am afraid for the coming weeks. I have to be prepared. I dont know if my students see, but... I am afraid."

Sorry "Flirt to the left I'll flirt to the right Nothing more 'cause My heart's caught tight"

Spaced Out "Why are chemists the happiest people on earth?"

Spirits "But then it is Christmas. And I realized that if I cannot make myself happy on my own, maybe I'd just make other people happier."

Stand "If you love another man, or another woman, so be it. Love is love, no matter the sexuality."

Strength "It is this tarot card test I took in tickle.com."

Student-Teacher Relationship "Paalam sa inyo mga students ko. Salamat sa isang maligayang sem na pinagsamahan natin."

Success "Success is relative. Only I can say whether I've done well or not."

Sugarbabylove "Hanggang ngayon, hindi pa rin ako lubos na makapaniwala sa mga nangyari. Nadaig pa pati mga panaginip ko..."

Sugarbabylove 2 "Kahit anong paghahalo-halo mo ng mga salita, hindi mo pa rin maiexpress nang tama ang feelings mo."

Sugarbabylove 3 "I'M MISSING MY BABY SO MUCH MY CHEST ALREADY HURTS."

Suicidal Blog Entry "And as I was rummaging through my things, it dawned upon me that - shet, isang taon na pala akong nagtuturo."

The Best of One Tree House "Celebrate with me as we look back upon the best entries of One Tree House."

The Blacksmith's Hands " "They don't walk around with signs you know. Like 'Hey, I'm avaialble' or 'I wanna go out with you'." "

The Bus "I shed a tear, right there on the sidewalk. "For the things I do not fully understand," I said, smiling, as I wiped my face with my hankie."

The Colour of the Wheat Fields "So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near -- "Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry." "

The Count's Tale Epilogue: An Eye For An Eye "The Count is not dead," Apollo replied, and before the Prince could continue his haranguing again, it quickly added, "As with what it seemed he did to you, I took away the one he loves the most. I took the hunter's life."

The Count's Tale I: The Last Flower "A cool breeze blew as he laid his last flower over her grave. The smell of freshly-dug earth filled his nostrils."

The Count's Tale II: The Flight of the Crow "The really powerful spells are not those with the loudest bangs and brightest lights. Nor is it those which can control the strongest mind or weaken the bravest heart."

The Count's Tale III: The Count and the Hunter "Steady, my Count. If we're meant to be, you will wait for me. "

The Count's Tale IV: A Black Feather "Alarmed, the hunter's companion went to him. "What is it?" he asked. He got no answer. He opened the hunter's hands and saw a black feather, now crushed from the hunter's grip."

The Count's Tale V: The Prisoners " "I know about you. And him. And I'm going to kill him first. Kill the one you love in front of you. In front of everyone. Oh, how I know you'll suffer..." "

The Count's Tale VI: An Arrow Through the Heart "He wouldn't have minded them being locked up together, but they were being locked up together to die."

The Count's Tale VII: Tears and Shadows " "You know what," he choked through his sobs. "What's harder than you not... not loving me back?" The Count paused, and he cried some more. "What's harder is that... is that... I can't even show you how much I love you!" "

The End of the Count's Tale: The Cliff "I could hear no more breathing. I can feel no more tension in him. The heartbeat I felt against my chest was... gone."

The End of One Tree House "There's something quite different about Sundays. There's something special about the brightness of the sun, and the sky."

The Island Journals: Introduction "Why do I want to put those in here? Aren't those private? Well, yeah, they are private, but I do not mind."

The Island Journals - Prologue: Back "You like to hurt yourself don't you? You want to die, huh? No? Because you cannot feel any more pain? Stupid boy."

The Locked Door In Me "Making albums is my way of connecting to people. My way of telling them of what happened to me. My own special means of giving a part of my life to others."

The Song "The song was beating inside my head as the dark clouds above swirled amidst a still darker sky. My head was spinning, as fast as thoughts alone could make your head spin."

The Sweetest Fun "A man can kill and still be the sweetest fun"

This Page Cannot Be Displayed "Who would like to read about something so taboo, it shouldn't even be written nor read?"

Three Asterisks "If I say that my girlfriend is <toot!> and that I am a <toot!> would you be surprised? If I tell you straight that I <tooted!> my <toot!> would you <toot!> me because of that?"

Time of my Life "Faces. Laughter. Smiles. Tears. Everything within the 2 minutes and 34 seconds of this song."

To Be A Father "As I was closing the door, I saw my son totter back to his room, vanishing even before he reached his destination. This is the path I chose, son."

To Try "I saw my Mom, who was sitting on the bed, sink slowly to herself as the interrogation went on. She bowed her head as if she was being humiliated right then..."

Toy's Victory "No more angst. No more bitterness. It is weird sometimes I almost feel that I am married - a weird thing."

Turning 22 "I hate these days. These few remaining hours before my birthday comes. Normally, I would be excited since... well, it's my birthday."

Unraveling "For instance, just a few hours ago. I thought of taking a shower since it was quite a warm night. The next thing I know, I was naked in the bathroom, staring at the hair on my nipples."

Untitled "In this way, I am able to isolate a part of myself and preserve it. Like a picture, I am storing memories as much as I can while I can."

Up Drama Down "I've never been into dating before. Well, actually reader... I DID. Once. And it was quite a disaster on my part."

Vanity House "All good things come to an end, and the girl is moving out of the house. This weekend, she said. She's moving out for her own reasons."

Venus "After the coldness of the day, the indifference of the afternoon... In the night, we become the old me and you."

Verge of Three "Gray skies merge On the verge of three A shout was heard That I'm coming free!"

Veritaserum "If I feel hurt, I write that Im hurt. If I feel shit, I give you shit. If Im pathetic, I tell you Im pathetic. Do I need to pretend? That sucks!"

Voice "No drums, no bass, no lead guitar. No trumpets, keyboards, nor synthesizers. But I have a voice here in my blog."

Wamuffet "This is the original poem I wrote to Chiyo last year. Back when she was back with her other one. Funny how it seems.. reading it now. It's like this was from a long long time ago."

War "They said that the left path did consider opening itself to me, and was surprised that it did consider, and so tried to run away from all of it by leaving me behind."

Wasting Sperm Cells "Dont think this is a green entry, I am simply stating facts in a scientific biochemical approach."

Welcome to Heaven's Glare "Un din pala. Minsan, iniisip ko na may tendency akong pumatay ng tao. Kasi sa totoo lang, may pagka-violent talaga ako kahit nung bata pa."

What Hurts Me Most "Do you know what you could do to hurt me most? You can make me suffer so much. I am at the mercy of just one word. And what is that?"

Who I Need To Love "My heart, my brain, my body is pulling me in different directions! I want them, to please, coordinate themselves."

Wink! Wink!/ Over "Six feet under Into the blue Left of the middle What can I do?"

With the Fireflies "The stars were our only witnesses. And the fireflies, putting their chemical lights on and off as they hovered over that unplottable area..."

X and Y "Do you know how slow my hand types right now? Do you know how my mind is telling me NOT to publish this entry at all?"
 
You "I don't know whether I'm strong now, baby. All I'm sure of is that I'm stronger than who I used to be. All I know is that, whatever the future might bring, I'm just so happy. So happy that you are here now with me."

Pushing My Buttons

Yesterday was one of those academically pivotal days for me. I was supposed to report on my Enzymes class about reverse transcriptase, and the assignment was given at least a month before, but with the usual procrastinating me, I only started on the report the week before reporting day. What with DotA sessions and playing frisbee with my students at Sunken Garden, what with sleeping till way past noon and blogging instead of researching, I wasn't able to finish it on time!

I was overconfident. Early morning on Friday, I was able to finish at least up to a third of the 30-page written report. My plan was to finish it on Friday night, getting no sleep up to 9am Saturday morning, my class' schedule. But after having dinner, I encountered my DotA companions on Philcoa, and without thinking I went with them to play for three sessions. However, I did have the will to go home at midnight to finish my report.

So I was alternately typing, reading, and editing for the next eight hours or so, getting no sleep, and increasingly becoming more stressed as the deadline was drawing near. If only I had two hours more, I could have finished it!

So at 9am, the time I was supposed to be sitting in our classroom preparing for my report, I found myself lying on my bedroom trying to sleep fully-dressed. My mind just snapped. I found I could not go farther any longer. I abandoned what I was supposed to be doing - I still had to do a 30-slide powerpoint presentation. I can't force myself to continue thinking about my report. I borrowed Chase's fone to text LE and say that I wasn't coming to class, and she replied that this was a different case since I am a reporter. Without thinking, I told her "Ayoko na. Sawa na ko. Bye."

It was indeed, very true. That morning, I got too full of academic shit. I was so tired of people trying to control my life, telling me to follow this deadline or that, to make me do things I'd rather not do! For once, I wanted to do things at my own pace. I'll finish my report once I'm done with amusing myself. I got so tired of people trying to take control over me!

Perhaps that wasn't very logical of me, and I am aware that it was my fault. There are things I need to do and these should have taken primacy over more trivial things like playing DotA. As I've said, I snapped! All my life, I was that goody-goody school boy, never putting a foot wrong in terms of academic requirements. Never faltering in exams. Never doing something which would get me into academic trouble. Sometimes, I just want to do things on my own, never minding the consequences. Sometimes, I just want to tell the world, tell my classmates, tell Professor Laurena that I do have a life outside school and that I have control over the things I do. I am not to be dictated by the academe!

That morning, I felt so sick of everything I even blamed Dr. Villaseñor, the IC director for forcing us to take 9 units (that means 3 MS subjects) this semester. I came to IC to teach, not to take my MS.

So I slept the whole day, waking up around 5pm feeling bad because for the first time in my life, I did something I've never done before - being irresponsible in a larger scale. But really, I think it wasn't really that big a deal because I wasn't the only reporter for that day, and I was supposed to be the last and I think those next to me in order will act as "substitutes" for my absence. This isn't even the first time in our class that the scheduled reporters failed to deliver their reports on time.

But still, I was feeling guilty because I realized that I do care for my grades and that sometimes, I really had to set less important things aside. My feelings were in that state while I was waiting for my baby at the Solair shed around 7pm. And at the end of our date, at Boni where we were to part ways, he told me, in a serious tone, that he was annoyed at me for being absent in my class.

At that time, I appreciated his concern for me, but then, in a way, it showed that he was also trying to control me, which just a few paragraphs earlier, the notion of which I've totally abused. At that time, I thought that I knew he was trying to help but he wasn't able to get what I'm feeling at that time, that he totally went the wrong way in solving my academic recklessness. That he didn't really understood me because he, like most people I know, is a stickler for rules and orderliness while I'm at the verge of trying to be free of those hateful things.

But then, in the end, right now when I'm relatively cooler, I have no choice but to follow what he told me even if it totally goes against what I want to happen to my life. In the end, he goes through, and in a way which I don't fully understand, I just had to do what he wants me to.

Next meeting then, when my turn to report on reverse transcriptase comes, I'll do it in such a way that they'll remember it for the rest of their lives. Haha. No, I'll just do my best that's all. Sometimes I just had to allow myself to bump my head on things so I can finally put my life right back on track.

Say No

Perhaps most of you, if not all, have had secret fantasies of encountering an aged old woman in the streets or of finding an ancient lamp-like relic which will grant us three wishes. I think everyone have been asked about what those three wishes would be, and we always get excited carefully thinking about them even if we know that that will never happen.

Yet somehow, we never lose hope in believing that perhaps one day, when reality loses its grip in our lives, that we may, indeed, meet the fairy godmother we've been waiting for all our lives. That one day, we will get lucky, and we will say goodbye to the things which we think prevents us from being really happy.

Money, I guess, tops the list, as well as the things that it can buy. With today's technology, you can now ask to look like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie with enough money. But some do wish for more humane things like finding their perfect man or woman to love forevermore, their soulmate, or even just some really nice friends. Some wish for popularity, for intelligence, for supernatural powers, or for a more outgoing character. The list goes on, and the choices are limited only by the wisher's imagination. But has it ever occured in your secret fantasies of getting the chance to have your wish fulfilled, to proudly confront your genie and say with audacity, "No thanks, I'm happy with who and what I am right now."

Such a situation perhaps would be a fairy tale among fairy tales. Fairy godmothers have never been rebuffed. Genies have never been waved away like smoke. Our bottomless yearning for more may be one of our natural characteristics, regardless of where in our planet we live. Very few will have the courage to say no to the chance they've been waiting for all our lives.

This idea suddenly came to me while I was riding in the ever faithful Ikot jeepney. Will I be able to say "no"?

On an impromptu reflection right there on the jeepney, I realized that I might be one of those people who have the most reasons to change their lives. First, I could have wished for more money, so that I'll be able to buy, at least a bed, and buy enough food so that I can finally gain weight. I can ask to have my face restored to what it used to be, so that I can regain the confidence I used to have when I was younger. I can ask to give myself perfect health, to restore my brother's sanity, to give my parents enough wealth so that they can stop working. I can ask to have my baby around so that I won't miss him often, or what's more, I can ask for a normal sexuality, so that I can finally get married, have children, and have a happy retirement surrounded by my grandchildren.

With wishes granted, my life then, will be so much better than what I have now, yet it did occur to me that I might have said no. It would appear very illogical to spurn away a chance to live a better life, but that is because we base the improvement of our lives on our comforts and conveniences.

Life, for me, is about building your character. We're like swords or knives being subjected to intense heat and force by the blacksmith which is life. With each problem that we face, we gain experience points (like in DotA) which, in the future, will make us prepared for what is more to come. If I choose to leave behind, without a struggle, the problems which are shaping me to be the man I will be in the future, it's as if I cheated myself of the things which, in the end, will change me for the better.

That's why I somehow pity those who are very rich, or those who have reason to say that their lives are almost perfect. They are missing a lot about the real meaning of living, and I believe that some of them, will turn out to have very weak characters.

Because I am sleeping without a bed, I have learned to appreciate the value of sleeping (which isn't really about comfort, it's who you're slleping with that makes your sleep more restful. Right, baby?) Because I am not phsically attractive, I have learned to screen away unsuitable partners (only those who have sight to see the real me beyond what they're seeing with their eyes are fit to go into relationships with me.) Because I have not been born with a straight sexuality, I have learned that it is possible to find happiness beyond religion and society's rules of normalcy.

I am thankful that I have a far from perfect life because it gives me the direction and purpose I need to live my life as meaningfully as I can. So why should I wait for a fairy godmother if I'm already living the best life I can possibly live? Why should you either?

Just say no, and don't believe that through impossible wishes you're life will get any better because the way you are living it right now is the way it was meant for you to live.

Or maybe, this is our way of convincing ourselves of that lie.

Sugarbabylove 3

THIS BLOG ENTRY WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN A FEW DAYS. I CAN'T WRITE ANYTHING COHERENTLY. I'M MISSING MY BABY SO MUCH MY CHEST ALREADY HURTS. THERE'S JUST NO OTHER WAY TO SPEND MY NIGHTS... I MISS MY BABY SO MUCH I COULD CRY... (sometimes, the heart just prevails over the mind)

:(

A Call For All Sexes

I've realized that one of the few bad things about being openly gay is that people begin to consider you as inconsequential. They tend to believe that just because you're gay, you think about men all the time. Deep in their hearts, those people believe that gay people are shallow thinkers - that one mere whisper of "sex" or "hot guy" is enough to drive you out of your more serious thoughts.

This is a matter of importance to me because I am an instructor, and I am very well aware that once my students lose the respect they have for me, things will begin to be very difficult for our relationship. I am not saying that with letting them know everything about me, I have felt disrespect. Actually, what happened was quite the contrary - I've never been more open, never been more close to my students as I am with my present classes. These are, after all, UP students who aren't inhibited by what the older generation believes. I was right about opening up to them. Instead of losing their respect, I even gained more because they didn't think I'd trust them with as big a secret as that.

Another thing those poor misguided people believe is that if you're gay, you'll be feminine. That you'd like the color pink, love flowers, or watch mushy films and cry at the slightest pains.

When I hear people insinuating these things to me, I can't help but be a bit irritated. I know that some gays do want themselves to be transformed into women the next time they wake up - but I am NOT one of those. It's not that I think that trying to be a woman is lowly, I simply like being in my present form, so I wish those stupid people who keep thinking that the next time they see me I'll be wearing skirts, please keep your stupid opinions to yourselves. You're only exposing how blinded and ignorant you are about us.

Some people, perhaps believe that with gayness automatically follows expressiveness. I can't say they're entirely wrong (look at this blog!) and I even agree that they have a point. Stereotyped men are known to be unable to express their thoughts and ideas very well. Gay men are known to be creative and open about their feelings. That's why some women are attracted to gay men - we just have qualities that most hetero's don't.

I've heard some people tallking that they disagree about seeing, hearing, or feeling anything homo. That they don't like how some gay people seem to be shouting out to the world their tabooed sexuality. And I guess some of my more conservative readers can't help but wince or skip my more erotic entries. We shout out because we need to shout this out to the world. This is our own small way of fighting back against the injustices we keep on suffering.

I keep on imploring my readers (I know some of you are closet gays) to come out because I've never felt more free and more happy about myself since deciding to be who I really am. Don't hold it in because I know it is eating you inside. You wouldn't like the psychological damage you'll accumulate through the years. You can trust me because I've been there!

But I also know that not everyone is given the privilege to expose themselves. Our families, I guess, are the main hindrances to our coming out. I was lucky to have an understanding mother. I was lucky to be surrounded by open-minded people. I was blessed to have friends and students who stayed behind me, who didn't believe that being gay is something to be looked down upon.

I understand what you're going through... Don't be afraid to come out. Look at me. Just look at me, and see that there's nothing wrong with being gay. I, for one, will defend you.

(Yikes, nagpaka-hero na naman ako... Haha)

If you can, be finally honest about yourself. You're not alone, you know. Just remember that you can't run away from who you really are. I tried. I made myself believe that I can carry a long-term relationship with a girlfriend, but I had to break free because I just had to know who I really am... And look at me now. I'm flying free...

But I guess not all people are strong enough to do what I did. If you disagree, then prove me wrong. I dare you to.

***

Nga pala, congrats to my baby. He had an article published in today's Inquirer issue! I'm proud of you baby! Mwah mwah!

Lucky

This is a story about a guy named Lucky...

Late this morning, he wakes up
Knock, knock, knock on the head
It's time for classes, perfect lab
It's you they're all waiting for

They go...
"Isn't he lucky, this KNL guy?"
And they say...

He's so lucky, he's a fag
And he fly, fly, flies to his lab classroom thinking
If there's nothing missing in my life
Then why do I sleep late at night?

Lost in an image, in his dreams
And there's no one there to wake him up
When the world is sleeping, there he keeps on dreaming
But tell me, what happens when it's up?

They go...
"Isn't he horny, this KNL guy?"
And they say...

He's so lucky, he's a fag
And he cry, cry, cries to his baby's heart saying
If there's nothing you need to do tonight
Then why don't you come and stay the night?

"Best actress... and the winner is... Ederlyn!"

"I'm LE Cardona for Fag News standing outside the IC Building waiting for Lucky... Oh my gulay, here he cums!"

Isn't he lucky, this KNL guy?
He is so lucky, but look how he tries
If there's nothing missing in his (sex) life
Why do queers come at night?

He's so lucky, he's a star
And he fly, fly, flies to all the cute guys' hearts singing
If there's nothing you need to do tonight
Then why don't you come and stay the night?

***

Ha ha ha... Studes, don't take this seriously. Unless you're... that is.
Wink wink!