Electrique Climbs The Heights With Its 28th Album, "Head in the Clouds"

MANILA, Philippines - In a recent publicity stint held at Eurotel in Cubao, Mr. Aldasiel, the mind behind the mixtape-mafia Electrique Music, revealed some juicy details into its latest project, "Head in the Clouds".

"I'm really onto something with this album," Mr. Aldasiel announced to the crowd which was composed mainly of imaginary fans and cool but deep people. "With this one, I am able to tap onto something in me which my previous albums had only hinted at. It's the stuff which keeps me going, and at the same time, it's the stuff which wants me to quit."

Electrique Music has recently achieved a level of success it never had before, as it went international with its previous release, "Revelations", which gained some measure of popularity overseas with a foreign audience. In addition, its two post-UP albums, "Icarus" and "Drifter" had also enjoyed semi-universal acclaim. Critics had been saying that this recent era is the golden age of Electrique, with its recent albums becoming more and more poetic and mature.

Since its discovery of indie music, Electrique seemed to have shed its old penchant for pop music. Gone are the days of Britney Spears and Avril Lavigne, and from the direction Electrique seemed to be heading, it appears like they will never come back, unless it is in a greatest hits compilation. The downside of this though is that Electrique lost its younger fans, in favor of a more mature audience.

"I was astounded at the way some of my listeners responded to "Icarus", hailing it as the best I've ever made. And that is why in some ways, I consider that album as my first real album," Mr. Aldasiel shared with the press. "My follow-up to that, "Drifter", wasn't as popular because it was less mainstream-sounding, but they appreciated it all the same. I am very happy with the current success my teenage dream is having. And I've only just begun!"

Electrique Music had been experiencing a lot of pressure in following up the buzz which surrounded its arguably most popular work, "Revelations". "I gave that album my very best music at the time, and it worked! I've recaptured the audience which was becoming more and more alienated with the new direction I was taking. But more than that, I am glad my listeners are finally able to see what keeps me doing this for the past seven years."

After the success of "Revelations", Mr. Aldasiel took a hiatus, and did not produce its customary summer album for this year. This was the first time since its founding that such a lapse had happened. "I wasn't inspired enough to make anything," was his only answer when his die hard fans bugged him about it.

Now, it seems that Electrique has rediscovered its muse and has turned on the green light for its latest piece of art, the aforementioned, "Head in the Clouds" whose cover was released to the public only a few days ago. But what is the reason behind its title?

"I've been playing with a lot of working titles in my head, and then I remembered a blog entry of the same name which I wrote last year. It was about my unexplainable desire to be at higher places, whether it is in a physical, mental, or emotional sense. And then it hit me that essentially, that was what this album was about. To distill that desire into sound, that is my objective for this one."

So will the listeners feel as if they are flying while they are playing this album?

"In a way," Mr. Aldasiel answered. "It takes me away sometimes, when I listen to the songs in this one. It feels as if my immediate surroundings fade and I'm brought to that state depicted in the cover."

But what about the music? What should we expect from this album?

"It's still indie, and in some ways it is almost like "Icarus", only much more subdued and much more beautiful. It is acoustic-sounding, with most of the songs playing without any form of percussion. I suppose "beautiful" is the best adjective for this one. This is beautiful music, and my listeners may be divided whether they love it or not, but that is one thing I am sure they will not be able to deny."

It has been rumoured a month ago that Electrique Music was supposed to release a happier album this time, but apparently that plan had been scrapped.

"To be truthful, I hadn't been feeling ecstatic lately. Maybe some days, but mostly, my mood is unstable. I swing from being ecstatic to being suicidal in a matter of weeks. And I suppose my default somber mode won over. My recent suicidal bout had been one of my strongest yet, and I suppose that kinda pushed me to do this one while I am still in that moment."

Electrique Music had been notorious for always claiming that its latest album was its best. Can it also be said for this one?

"Of course, I cannot speak for everyone," he responded. "But for me, I suppose this is the closest I've come to sharing with my listeners my innermost thoughts and feelings. "Icarus" may have had the drama, especially with the trials I was facing at the time, and "Revelations" may have had the hits when it came to catchiness, but "Head in the Clouds" has my spirit in it. It has my fingerprints all over it, from the first song to the last and even if these songs I am sharing are not my own, it cannot be denied that it is me with the hands on the tiller."

"Head in the Clouds" is currently slated for a late August release.

Kulangot Sa Pader

Kulangot sa pader

Isa siyang kulangot sa pader

Hindi kaaya-aya ang itsura

Sana ay hindi na lang nakita

Sana minsan bago maghayag

Konting karunungan ay idagdag
Mga post na wala namang saysay

Ay di makakatulong sa buhay

Lahat gusto ilabas

Minu-minuto, oras-oras

Lahat nais ipasiwalat

Gayong di naman tayo sikat

Wala akong masasabi

Sa mga nais magbahagi

Ang tanging hiling ko lang

Oras ko ay di masayang

Paumanhin kung nagalit

Di ko naman ipinipilit

May karapatan ka sa kung anuman

Ang lumabas sa iyong lalamunan

Naisip ko lang na kahit minsan

Mag-share tayo ng karunungan

Bakit di hasain ang talino

Para sa ikauunlad ng mundo?

Mga kuwentong may lalim

Mga puntong may diin

Mga jokes na witty

Pangyayaring nakakakiliti

Sa huli'y okay lang talaga

Sa Facebook, bahala ka

Isa lamang paalala

Kung ano ba ang mahalaga

Ay sus, naiintindihan ko

Kasi ganyan din naman ako

Pare-pareho lang ding tao

May sari-sariling prinsipyo

Lahat kayo'y aking kaibigan

Galit sa aki'y wala naman

Konting atensyon lang talaga minsan

Ang ating higit na kailangan

In Search of High Places

We are the ones who keep looking up. Looking up in search of high places. Because we like to climb. We like to move higher. We like the climb, the effort. And the reward of being at a higher place. To see what the others cannot see. We like to be at a higher place. So we can fall.

We are the ones who keep jumping down from high places. We like the feel of the fall. We like the excitement, the rush. We like the feel of the wind on our faces as the ground jumps up to meet us. We like the jolt it sends our spine as our knees hit the ground. It makes us feel alive - the falling and the fall. And we like to relish the memory that we had the guts to jump. The memory of how it feels to fall. We like it so much that we keep doing it again. We look up again. In search of higher places.

The next one will be higher. The next climb will be tougher. Because we cannot settle for anything less. Why do it unless it's new? Why do it if you've done it before? So we climb higher and higher. And the thrills become wilder and wilder. And the fall becomes riskier and riskier. Until the time comes when we get hurt.

And we stay there on the ground for a bit, picking on our wounds and tapping at our bruises. We do it because we like to relish the pain. The price we have to pay for jumping and falling.

And once we recover, we look up again, searching. For the next best thing. For the next adventure. Because we cannot stay there on the ground. We cannot stay there, with the memory of being high up there still fresh in our minds. We must do it again. There is no other option.

And then one time, we know. One time, the day will come. When we would have climbed the highest that we can climb. When we know that this time, we will not survive the fall. And we linger for a bit there, hanging on the precipice. Thinking back and feeling forward. Knowing that this will be the last. Afraid but happy that we were the ones who had the courage to try. The courage to dream that we can fly.

And we jump. We jump still.

Because we know that once we hit the ground for the last time, that is when we will really fly. That is when you can really escape gravity.

With the fading light comes the gift of flight.

Kalayaan

Matutulog na sana ako pero inatake na naman ako. Paulit-ulit sa isip ko ang mga salitang "I want to die" at kahit na napapadalas na rin ang mga ganitong episodes ko nitong mga nakaraang taon ay hindi ko pa rin ito natututunang labanan. Ang tanging nagagawa ko na lang ay busisiin ang aking isip at ang aking mga nararamdaman tuwing ganito.

Kapag nasa ganitong mood ako, alam kong hindi ako nasa tamang pag-iisip. Alam iyan ng mga kaibigan ko na kilala talaga ako. Kapag nasa labas ako o may ibang tao, mukhang normal naman ako. Mukhang masaya naman. Pero kapag ganito, iba talaga kasi. Para ba siyang nasa DNA ko talaga. Kung ang ibang tao may mga normal na needs kagaya ng pagkain o sex, ako naman may dagdag na need na magpakamatay. Ganun siya. Kusa na lang dumarating. At mahirap pigilan. Pahirap nang pahirap.

Hindi ko mapigilang magplano ng mga para-paraan kung paano ako magpapakamatay. Nakakaisip ng iba-ibang strategies (na hindi ko na ilalagay pa dito dahil baka pigilan niyo pa ako). Marami-rami na rin akong mga planong nai-ayos sa utak ko. Ang problema ko nga ngayon ay hindi kung paano ako magpapakamatay kundi kung saan. Kasi iniisip ko din naman kung paano yung scenario kapag matatagpuan ako. Ayoko namang makadamay ng iba masyado. Pero tandaan ninyo ha. Hindi ko ito sinasadya talaga. Natural na lang na hindi ko mapigilan ang isip ko na bumuo ng mga planong ganito.

Sa paglipas ng panahon, nag-improve na din ang mg motibo ko kung bakit ko gusto mamatay. Siyempre nagsimula iyan sa petty personal issues na ngayon ay nalamapasan ko na. Ngayon siguro, kapag iniisip ko kung bakit nga ba ako na-aattract sa kamatayan ay dahil pagod na lang talaga ako. Pagod na ako mabuhay.

Pagod na ako. Kasi paulit-ulit lang naman ang lahat. Kasi kahit na nakakalampas naman ako sa mga episodes na ito (feeling ko makakalampas din siguro ako sa current episode na ito) ay alam kong mauulit na naman siya in the future. At kahit na ang dapat ko ngang gawin kapag ganito ay i-distract ang sarili ko, yung aksyon na iyon mismo ang ikinakapagod ko. Yung pagsummon ng will na iyon para i-distract ang sarili ko. Yung will na yun para mabuhay. Yun ang napapagod na akong ipa-alala sa sarili ko nang paulit-ulit.

Nailathala ko na sa mga dati ko nang naisulat ang pagka-intense ng mga damdamin at mga iniisip ko, at isa pa iyon sa dahil ng aking pagkapagod. Pakiramdam ko kasi lagi na lang ang tindi ng dating sa akin ng mga feelings. Kapag saya, sobrang saya. Kapag lungkot, sobra din. Nakakapagod. Parang nagagasgas na masyado ang loob ko. Kaya minsan parang ayoko na.

Sa totoo lang, tinutulungan ko din ang sarili ko. Kapag may sobrang sayang moment nga, talagang sinasabihan ko ang sarili ko na "See? Kung nagpakamatay ka, hindi mo ito mararanasan." Pero sa ilang beses ko na na nagawa iyon, parang wala pa din. Makakalimutan ko din iyon o maisasawalang-bahala kapag umatake na naman ito.

Isa pang way na naiisip ko para mapigilan ang sarili ko ay kung may boyfriend ako. Kasi isa siyang effective na distraction, hindi dahil sa lonely ako mag-isa dahil matagal ko nang na-overcome ang factor na ito. Yun lang. Isa siyang distraction. Pero at this point in my life, medyo wala akong gana na talagang makipag-relasyon kaya mukhang mahihirapan akong gawing way ito para humaba ang buhay ko.

Isa pang possible way ay kung mabibigyan ako ng panahon na makapagpahinga man lang talaga saglit. Yung tipong isang taon na hindi ako magtratrabaho or mag-aaral. Yung pupunta lang ako siguro somewhere far away tapos doon mag-iisip at magrere-assess ng buhay ko. Yung titingin lang ako sa nature tapos magsusulat ng mga tula. Yung walang ayos ang pagtulog at paggising ko talaga. Yung wala akong burden at kahit anong responsibilities. Kaso dahil walang kuwenta (I'm sorry pero totoo naman kasi talaga) ang mga magulang ko pagdating sa survival in general ay sigurado akong hindi nila ako mapagbibigyan. Mamamatay yung mga yun sa gutom kapag tumigil ako. Scholarship allowance ko na nga nung undergrad pa lang ako hinihingi pa eh, paano pa kaya ang sweldo? So dahil dito, I doubt na matutugunan ang naiisip kong tanging long-term solution sa suicidal problem ko sana. Pero I doubt pa rin na pang-long term nga ito. Baka nga kapag nabigyan din ako ng panahon para makapagpahinga, baka doon pa ako magpakamatay talaga.

Siguro masasabi mong obsessed ako sa ideya ng kamatayan. Madalas ko iniimagine ang pagsasaksak ko sa sarili kong puso. Ewan. Para bang ang sarap niya talaga gawin. Hindi ako nagbibiro. As in. Pati yung feeling na baka kumaskas siya sa ribs. Yung mararamdaman ko yung kutsilyong tumatama sa muscle ng aking puso (Eww kaya nga dapat mabilisan ito eh). Pero dahil sobrang risky nito at kulang ako sa sufficient surgical skills ay malamang hindi ito yung way ng pagpapakamatay ko.

Obsessed ako sa mga last moments ko. Yung pagdilim ng paningin ko kapag mamamatay na ako ay ilang beses ko nang inimagine. Kung ano kaya ang mararamdaman ko nung mga huling segundo ko na iyon. Kung ano ba ang mga huli kong salita (if ever may ibang tao, kung gusto kong melodramatic talaga ang suicide ko). Basta. Kinakabaliwan ko ang mga ito. Pangarap ko nga sana na nagsusulat ako sa blog ko habang namamatay na ako. (Oops may hint ka dito tungkol sa isa kong strategy, think: slow-acting venoms.) Pero baka kasi bigla na lang dumating yung kamatayan tapos hindi ko man lang ma-click ang Publish. Napahiya lang ako.

Natatakot din ako sa mga failed suicides. Yung tipong lalabas lang na isa akong problemadong bata na naghahanap ng atensyon. Nakakahiya! Or worse, yung makaka-survive pa pala ako pero I'll be incapacitated in some way. Parang shit talaga yun. Karma for being suicidal. Kaya nga ang hirap din mag-suicide eh. Kasi dapat sure shot talaga. And speaking of shots, I swear, kung meron lang akong baril. I swear talaga, magiging madali sana ang buhay ko. Literal.

Ang hassle nga din mag-suicide eh. Ngayon pa lang naiisip ko na yung mga preparations.Nakaka-stress. Kasi as much as possible, ayoko ngang maging hassle sa ibang tao ang sarili kong pagpapakamatay. So ayun, siyempre may mga farewell letters. Ano ba talaga ang feelings ko at state of mind. Ano ba ang aking objectives talaga. Mga details kung paano ang gusto kong mangyari sa wake ko dahil unconventional nga ako at atheist pa, etc. Plus yung schedule pa at ang dami pang ibang logistics. I swear, isa itong major hindrance.

Alam ko na sa punto ngayon ay ang daming pumapasok sa isip niyo na maaaring sabihin sa akin kung bakit hindi ako dapat magpakamatay. Pero I doubt kung may masasabi ba kayong hindi ko pa naisip before. Magsabi ka, at malamang sasabihin kong "Alam ko na iyan pero ito pa din ang stand ko." Kung pumaparaan ang isip ko kung paano magpakamatay ay mas pumaparaan pa rin ito kung bakit ako kailangang mabuhay. Kaya nga andito pa ako ngayon. Ibig sabihin, so far, nagwawagi pa din naman ang pagnanais kong buhay. Or actually, ang mas nagwawagi ay ang katamaran ko pang isa-aksyon ang mga plano kong magpakamatay.

Sinabi ko na dati pa na hindi nga siya dumarating porke't malungkot ako. Hindi siya petty na ganun. Malalim din naman ang dahilan. More of existential at hindi personal issues ang main trigger ko eh. Kaya yun, medyo mahihirapan siguro kayong i-argue ako out of this kasi parang I'm decided na talaga. I'm set. Kung mapapa-agree mo ako, alam kong temporary lang yun. Babalik at babalik ako sa ganitong state.

Hay, sa totoo lang kaya ko din isinulat ito ay para maging paraan para maalis ako sa ganitong state. Siguro gusto ko pa din talaga mabuhay. Siguro. Pero yun, dahil nagamit ko na ang "card" na ito, hindi ko na ulit siya pwede magamit for future attacks.

Hay buhay.

Hay buhay talaga.

Maayos naman ako di ba? Hindi naman ako baliw ngayon di ba? Pagod lang talaga ako. Pagod na lang talaga ako.

Hindi na ako umaasang gagaling pa ako dito, kung sakit nga bang maituturing ito. Tingin ko parte na ito ng pagkatao ko. Ang tanging pag-asa ko na lang ay sana, wala akong masyadong masaktang mga tao kapag namatay ako. Sana lang magawa ko siya nang maayos. Sana lang makapaghanda. Hay, nakakapagod. Or dahil baka sa sobrang pagod ko in general pati mga plano kong details sa pagpapakamatay ko ay isawalang-bahala ko na din ang mga ito. Sige lang. Spontaneous suicide.

May statement pa din until the end.

Oh to be free from it all. To be free! 

Mitsa

Tinitingnan kita habang nakalapat ang iyong mga kamay sa papel. Nakakunot ang iyong noo sa taas ng salamin mong hindi ko alam kung may grado ba talaga. Wala nang tao sa loob ng kuwarto kundi tayong dalawa na lang at para bang ang tahimik ng lahat na tila marinig ko na halos ang kaluskos ng iyong ballpen sa pagsulat ng mga sagot mo. Bumaba ang mga mata ko sa mga isinusulat mo. Kunyari tinitingnan ko ang iyong sagot pero ang kinikilatis ko ay ang iyong kamay. Paano kaya ang pakiramdam kung mahawakan ko ang kamay mo? Kahit sandali lang? At napa-isip pa ako kung ano kaya ang mga bagay na huling hinawakan mo. Napunta ang isip ko sa mga bagay na hindi ko dapat naiisip habang ako ay nagtratrabaho at hinayaan ko lang gumana ang aking imahinasyon dahil minsan na lang naman ako makaranas ng mga ganitong pakiramdam. Hanggang isip na lang ako ngayon. Hanggang isip na lang...

Hindi ko namalayan na nakatingin ka na pala sa akin. At dahil malalim ang aking mga iniisip ay hindi ako nakapaghanda at nahalata mo ang aking gulat at pagkahiya sa pagkahuli mo sa akin. Namula na naman ako dahil naramdaman ko ang pag-init ng aking mukha. Huli na ako. Ngumiti ka na lang at pinukaw ang aking titig.

"Okay lang iyan Sir," sabi mo.

At iyon ang naging simula ng ating sikreto.

***

Nagpa-iwan ka sa klase habang binubura ko pa ang white board pero hindi kita pinapansin. Nakalabas ang iyong cellphone na para bang may hinihintay kang mangyari.

"Sir..."

Lumabas ako ng kuwarto at sinarahan kita ng pinto.

***

"Sir pwede bang mag-make up quiz?"

"Bakit ka ba absent?"

"Kasi nagkasakit ako Sir. Sige na po Sir."

"Okay. Ano ba ang free sked mo?"

"Ahm, 6pm po Sir."

Masyado nang late yun at ilang oras nang tapos ang aking huling klase para sa araw na iyon. At saka wala nang ibang tao sa faculty room. Sasabihin ko na sanang sa ibang araw na lang pero...

"Okay. Sige."

Naramdaman ko ang pagdaloy ng asido sa aking tiyan.

***

Binuksan ko ang pinto.

Pumasok ka at tumayo nang malapit sa harap ko. Hindi kita matingnan sa mata. Nakatingin lang ako sa uniform mo. Sa dibdib mo na sumisilip nang bahagya sa gewang ng mga butones ng polo mo. Isinara mo ang pinto sa likod mo at narinig ko ang pag-click ng lock.

"Okay lang iyan Sir."

Kinuha mo ang aking kamay at inilapat sa iyong tiyan. Inalis ko agad ang aking kamay pero pilit mo itong ibinalik doon. Kumakawala ang aking kamay na para bang napapaso talaga ako.

"Bakit..."

"Okay lang iyan Sir."

"Hindi pwede..."

"Okay lang iyan Sir."

Hindi na ako nakapagsalita. Dahil sa kaba. Dahil sa pagnanasa. Dahil hinalikan mo na ako.

At tila ba gumuho lahat ng aking mga pagpapanggap na okay lang ako. Na kaya ko. Na hindi ako napapagod sa buhay ko ngayon, sa aking trabaho, sa aking mga raket. Na hindi ako natatakot na baka kasi dumating ang araw na hindi ko na kayanin mag-isa lahat-lahat ng mga responsibilidad na unti-unting lumalapat sa aking mga balikat na nais pa ring isawalang-bahala ang lahat.

Siguro may panahon rin na ako ang papasayahin at hindi ako ang laging gagawa ng paraan. May panahon rin na hindi kailangang mag-isip. Siguro ito na iyon. Ito na iyon, sabi ko. Kinumbinsi ko ang sarili ko. Kailangan ko ito. Ito na iyon. May panahon din para sa akin.

At hinayaan ko ang sarili ko na bumigay dahil naintindihan kong hindi naman kailangang maging sunud-sunuran sa mga patakaran palagi. Na may mga pagkakataong pwedeng isantabi ang mga iyon dahil may mga mahahalagang bagay tayong maiinitndihan lamang sa mga pagsuway sa mga bagay na itinakda.

Ano naman kung bawal kung wala namang napahamak? Ano naman kung bawal kung wala namang naging biktima?

"Okay lang iyan, Sir," sabi mo. "Sige lang po, Sir."

At hinayaan ko na lang ang sarili kong malunod sa iyong mga mata.

***

Nabubuhay kami para paunlarin ang buhay ng iba. Mga kandilang inuubos ang sarili para mabigyan ng liwanag ang iba. At para magawa iyon, minsan kailangan naming isantabi ang aming mga sarili. Kapag nasa harap ka ng klase, hindi ka pwedeng maging mahina dahil ikaw ang inaasahan ng iba. Ikaw ang kanilang pag-asa. Hindi ikaw ang mahalaga kundi sila. Pero sa pagkabura ng white board ay nabubura din ang ilusyon na kami ay walang pakiramdam. Sa pagsara ng pinto ay bumabalik kami sa totoong buhay - na dakila man ang nagawa, sa huli ay pawang mga tao lang din kami. Na minsan kami din ang napupundi. Na minsan kami din ang nangangailangan ng pagsindi.

WAKAS

***

*Ang kuwentong ito ay kathang-isip lamang mga parekoy. Hehe.

Catalyst

Pupunta ako sa lab at magtatanong sa staff. During my lab hours para hindi suspicious, at suot ang aking lab gown.

"Meron po ba tayong KCN?"

"Meron," sasabihin nila at hindi na magtatanong kung bakit at para saan.

Iaabot nila sa akin ang bote pagkatapos ng ilang minuto.

"Salamat po," at ngingiti ako sa kanila. Ibang klase ang ngiti ko nun. Baka maluha-luha pa ako.

Dadalahin ko ang bote sa balance room. Hindi ako kakabahan. Gagalingan ko umarte. Kapag may nakakita sa akin na kilala ko, ngingitian ko.

Magtitimbang ako sa top-loading balance. May numero sa utak ko. Yun lang ang kailangan ko. Minimum lethal dosage. Kaya dadagdagan ko pa ng kaunti. Para sigurado. Lilipat ko ang puting crystals nito sa isang maliit na plastik na bote na dala ko.

Ibabalik ko ang bote ng reagent sa staff. Magpapasalamat ulit ako.

Pagkatapos ng klase, pupunta ako sa CR. May dala akong bote ng Sting Strawberry. Ihahalo ko doon ang mga puting crystals. Hahaluin kong maigi. May konting precipitate pero ayos lang yun. Lalabas ako ng CR. Lalabas ako ng school.

Sasakay ako ng LRT. Sasakay ako ng MRT. Sasakay ako ng jeep. Inaalala ko ang Google Maps sa utak ko. Aabangan ang mga landmarks. Bababa ako at maglalakad pa nang kaunti.

Magtatanong ako sa guard.

"Dito po ba ang PMAP?"

"Dito," sasabihin ng guard.

"Pwede po kay ******?"

"Bakit?"

"Bibisita lang po sana. Kaibigan ko po siya." At ngingiti ulit ako. Kung pagpapawisan man, dahil yun sa init. Dahil yun sa naglakad ako. Hindi yun dahil sa kaba.

May tatawagan siya sa telepono. "Ano pala pangalan mo?" tatanungin niya.

"Elmo," sasabihin ko.

Maya-maya, bababa na siya. Makikita ko na siya. Ganun pa din naman itsura. Magugulat siya at mapapatawa na lang. Siyempre may mga ibang tao. Hindi siya papahalata.

"O..." yun lang ang masasabi niya.

"Labas tayo saglit. Mag-kape tayo."

At dahil nasa state of shock pa siya, mapapasama ko siya.

Pupunta kami sa may Shaw, dun sa Starbucks na lagi naming tinatambayan dati. Kung saan ako nagyoyosi. Kung saan kami nakikinig ng music mula sa Walkman fone ko. Kung saan kami kumakain ng banoffee pie. Uupo kami sa labas. Doon sa puwesto namin tatlong taon na ang lumipas. Doon sa mesa kung saan kami nag-break.

Sasabihin ko sa kanya lahat ng mga nangyari. Papakita ko ang aking tattoo at kung ano ang ibig sabihin nun para sa akin. Sasabihin ko lahat ng mga lalaki, lahat nung mga naaalala ko pa. Sasabihin ko sa kanya na wala na ako sa UP. Sasabihin ko sa kanya na bumagsak ako sa Compre. Sasabihin ko sa kanya na may sakit ako.

Sasabihin ko sa kanya na tumitindi na minsan ang pagka-baliw ko. Na minsan hindi ko na talaga kaya. Na alam ko na ang kondisyon ng utak ko. Na hindi naman malala pero mahirap lang talaga. At nakakapagod.

Sasabihin ko sa kanya na siya pa din naman pala ang nasa puso ko, matapos ang lahat. Sasabihin ko sa kanya na alam kong ayaw na niya sa akin pero ayos lang iyon. Sasabihin ko sa kanya na ibang-iba na ako ngayon. Sasabihin ko sa kanya na "Sorry" at naging napakalaking tanga ko noon.

Sasabihin ko sa kanya na na-miss ko siya. Sasabihin ko sa kanya na mahal ko pa din siya. At siya lang ang aking magiging "baby" hanggang sa huli. Wala nang iba. Hanggang sa mamatay ako, wala nang iba.

Titingin ako sa langit saglit. Titingin ako sa paligid ko. At titingin ako sa kanya at maluluha ako.

Tapos iinumin ko na yung Sting. Straight up.

Tapos mapapabagsak ako sa sahig. Nahihirapang huminga at namumula.

Tapos hahawakan na niya ako.

Hahawakan na niya ako at tatawagin ang pangalan ko.

Mahahawakan niya na din ako ulit.

Tests

The first test I ever failed was when I was in Grade One.

It was a simple one, really, about drawing shapes using crayons. Ovals and rectangles, I remember. But one of my classmates finished early, and she was allowed to leave right after submitting her work. And when I saw that, I was filled with unreasonable panic. I thought that everyone was leaving and that I'm running late, especially since we were on our last subject for the day. I thought that I lost track of time and I'd be left behind by my Mom who was waiting for me outside. It was not true of course, since the rest of my classmates were still on their tables, drawing away, and I even remember one of my seatmates looking incredulously at me for hastily finishing my sloppy work. I still remember how my teacher looked at me with surprise and poorly-masked disappointment as I submitted to her my work. And how she scribbled the word "Failed" on it in cursive letters and red ink.

I can still remember the confused expression my Mom gave at seeing the grade I got for that simple seatwork. She did not get mad like most stage mothers would have since she never had been that kind of Mom. Our reactions were mostly of puzzlement actually, since we both know that I've been getting nothing but stellar grades ever since I started school. But there was no need to dwell on it. Since it never happened again. For a very long time at least.

I sailed through the rest of elementary school without exerting too much effort. I was a good student, but it wasn't because I wanted to be one. Mostly, it was because that was how I was made to be. I understood instructions right away. I was given the authority to lead. I never really studied for my lessons. I just remembered. I was whisked away in all sorts of contests, whether they be in Math, Science, Journalism, or even in Drawing. I was great and my teachers loved me for bringing honor to our school. I was a great student, and somehow, I managed to graduate on top of my class.

My high school was much tougher than my elementary school experience. It was much more stressful, and physical exhaustion became my worst enemy. The fight to the top was much worse too, as I came to contend with some of the best students Paranaque and the nearby towns have. By graduation though, I still managed to be on top. The how of it still escapes me, since the competition there was the tightest I've ever had in my whole life and there had been a lot of close calls. Yet there I was, still puzzled as I went up the stage to receive the gold medal.

College was much more exciting, since this time around, I was competing with some of the best students of the country. And the trials I faced were much worse than those I faced in high school. And yet somehow, I still managed to make myself be considered among the best. I do not understand it really. I was just surprised that I ended up having the highest GWA among my Chem batchmates by graduation time. I was tied with one of my classmates true, but nevertheless, that honor was more than I'd ever expect to get in UP.

Graduate school was different. We were much fewer, for one thing, although our collective IQ was all the more higher even if GWA's were much less publicized as compared to undergrad. I must have had good grades since my teachers tell me so whenever they look at my record. They smile at me, thinking that I was the same undergrad student. That same overachiever. That same leader. That same student. That same person.

And then my personal revolution came.

Ad then I had my first real close call with my first "tres".

And then the seemingly impossible finally happened. I failed. And though it was only by a few points, I still failed. For the first time. In the most important exam I might have had in my graduate school life. And with that failure, I lost it all. I was severed. And cast out.

And here I am, still puzzled at what happened. That thrice I've not only made it through but even topped all my batchmates and in the fourth time I flopped. Big time.

My classmates used to ask me what my secret was. They used to make jokes about borrowing my brain for their own exams. They used to marvel at me, and all I can do in response was to sheepishly laugh with them and try to keep my head down because I do not fully understand it myself. All my life I've been used to being that guy who always excels. And this failure is just so strange, it still feels weird and even unreal. That there is this small yet manic part of me which thinks that there must have been a mistake. Or some crazy conspiracy behind my failure.

Oh, I can laugh about it now. And in fact, it is now a common joke subject between me and my close friends. You must believe me when I say that my biggest reaction to my academic failure is still puzzlement rather than bitterness. And I can dwell and pick on it as much as I want to but in the end, I know that I did make my choice and all I can do now is to shake my head and smile ruefully.

Mostly though, I am amazed at how I got through that. Most people with my background might have had a breakdown at their first big failure, and it is known that many have committed suicide for similar reasons. I must thank my friends for not making it worse. And I am only grateful that I decided to fix all my insecurities first, otherwise, I might have had a harder time dealing with it.

Sometimes I wonder if I did not break away from the tedium of it all, I would have still been up there on the stage of academic achievement. But I suppose if I did not stop to develop my individuality, I'd be dubbed as a weak sauce without any real personality. I might have been outwardly successful but inwardly empty. My path was threatening to convert me into someone like that and I did not want that to happen to me. So I had to go. I made a choice.

***

One night, I went home exhausted. It was already past midnight as I sat down on the couch to take off my leather shoes. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw all the things that could have been. All those achievements I could have added to my shelf. All the prestige that would have come with it. All the clapping hands and the admiration of the audience. But I surprised myself by simply smiling at it all. Yes, I might have gone there but at the moment, I am happy. I am still happy, and that is all that matters.

Sometimes the questions are more complicated than the answers.

The Life Of A Kite

"Too easy to cry, when everything eventually dies..."

Some people, they need to be anchored to the ground. Otherwise, they would fly away like a kite, into an infinite sky. As if infinity can be fully understood. Yet they fly all the same. Into the nothingness within one's mind, which can only be pictured as an infinite void. As if infinity can be pictured.

Some people, they need to be held back. Because they are obsessed with depths and breadths. And they tend to dig holes so deep they fall into them themselves. They tend to dig holes so wide that everything that they are, their totality, is sucked whole into that hole. And they get lost in the blackness within. They get confused because all along they thought they were only digging for treasures within themselves, only to find out that what they are doing instead is that they are digging their own, early graves.

Some people, they need to be around other people all the time. Because they need to be reminded that they are part of a whole. Because if left to themselves, they tend to forget that other people exist. Because without visual confirmation, they will succumb to their emotional alienation. Their minds and feelings are so disconnected from the others, they hardly feel that they belong to this world at all. So they need to see that they are not alone. All the time.

Some people, they need to be constantly reminded of hope. Because when one knows too much, one will tend to catch brief glimpses of the absurdity of life. And that is enough to make them fall into the nihilist's trap. They do know that such is not the most logical way to live one's life. But the awareness alone is enough to make death an attractive option.

Some people, they need to find a job. Not to make a living, but to find a semblance of living, at least in the mediocre sense. They need to busy themselves in the mundane and the material. To occupy one's mind with short-term goals and  targets. To find a focus for their thoughts, no matter how insignificant it may seem. As compared to the world. As compared to the universe.

Some people, they need to find a lover. Not to be loved, but to keep them sane and grounded. To remind them of the existence of sensual pleasures. To remind them that it is possible to be happy with simple things and sweet nothings. To narrow down their view and to prevent them from looking outward. Look within. Look at me. Look at us. This is enough.

Some people, they cannot be helped. They can describe in detail what ails them. They can describe in detail what they need. They can ask for help even, and watch those who love them try. And yet all of these are mere motions to comfort those who worry about them. And they know for a certainty that some things cannot be fully healed except with an injury to one's memory. Always, the hardest battles, are those fought within. And yet they go through the motions still. Because they do not want others to worry about them too much. Because worrying is useless. Because helping them is useless.

Some say life is simply what you make of it. Some say happiness is a choice. Some say love or money solves everything. They can define life all they want, but some things can never be unchanged. That life is merely a glimpse of light between two infinite voids.

The quest to find meaning is like an amplified wave. The farther you go, you'll find that the crests become higher, but the troughs are lower still. To climb upward, one must always go down first. But every downward tread is bleaker than the last, and one cannot always find the momentum to go on. All one can do at this point is to close one's eyes and fly away from it all. Like a kite into a sea of sky, buried deep within one's mind.

If I had my way, I would have let go of myself by now. But you hold me fast with your love. You hold me down. So rest assured that the moment you let go, I'll be off to the sky within my mind where everything is to my liking. And I will never come back. Oh I will never come back.

"Too easy to cry, when everything eventually dies. If not today, then maybe tomorrow..."