Spaced Out

Alam niyo ba yung joke na 'to: Why are chemists the happiest people on earth?

If you don't, well I won't tell you the answer until you've read the rest of this blog entry. The thing is, reader, I've finally found the answer to getting over that pitiful excuse (hmm too harsh) ummm that person na lang.

And what is that? Find somebody else to pour your affections on.

Now, reader, I'm very lucky to have come upon this new person. He's perfect! He's got everything (and mind you I don't usually say these things, unless I really mean them.) And unfortunately, that is the problem.

It made me reevaluate myself. Pucha! Hurts my ego but that is the truth. Kung may shongs sa inyo na humahanga sa akin (kung meron nga ba), walang-wala ako compared to this one. I should be thankful just for the chance that I am able to communicate with this person!

Wala lang. That's all I want to say for this one. Good luck na lang sa akin pero huwag na lang kayo magulat kung biglang sorrowful na naman ang next entry ko dito...

On a different note, panalo ang teams ko sa Battle of the Bonds, yung Chem16 Quiz. 2nd and 3rd place ang dalawa kong teams. Yahoo!

Ang sagot nga pala dun sa joke: It's because chemists have all the solutions. Funny ba? Hindi masyado 'no? Because it isn't true, that's probably why.

Ikot

Kung mayroon lang akong dalang tabla nang magkita tayo sa Ikot jeep, hahampasin kita nang paulit-ulit. Walang dapat makagawa sa akin ng mga ginagawa mo. Hindi ko matanggap na ako, si Bryan, ang chemistry cum laudeng marami nang napagdaanan, ay nagiging tanga para sa isang taong hindi man lang ako pinapansin.

Minsan talaga, pinaglalaruan ka ng buhay. Kakasulat ko lang sa "Smile" kung ano ang dapat kong gawin kapag nakita kita muli tapos ngayon... Ngayon! Nang magkasama tayo nang halos limang minuto na iilang talampakan lang ang distansya ay wala akong nagawa! Hindi ko man lang nakuhang tingnan ka kahit patago. Hindi ko kayang iharap sa iyo ang mukha kong nahihirapan dahil hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganito pa rin ang nararamdaman ko para sa iyo hanggang ngayon.

Alam ko, wala talaga. Tanga na kung tanga. Nilalabanan ko na siya at naiintindihan kong wala ngang kabuluhan ang lahat ng pinagtitibok ng tangnang puso kong ito. Pero bakit kasi ganun? Bakit ba kailangang sumikip ang dibdib ko hanggang ngayon, dalawang oras pagkatapos mangyari ang lahat? Bakit ba kinailangan ko pang dumayo dito sa Dizontech para lang mailabas ko ang lahat ng ito kahit na dapat ay nasa UP ako at nagtratrabaho.

Tang ina mo! Tang ina mo!! Paano mo nagawa ito sa akin? Bakit ba sa lahat ng tao sa mundo ay sa iyo ko pa dapat maramdaman ang lahat ng walang kwentang damdamin na ito. Sana nagkagusto na lang ako sa iba. Sana hindi na lang ikaw! Para hindi na ko mahihirapan nang ganito.

Kung magagawa ko lang magalit at umiyak ngayon, gagawin ko. Para lang matapos na ito. Hindi ako makakapag-concentrate sa trabaho ko mamaya. Hindi ko na naman maiintindihan ang MS ko dahil maiisip ko ang lahat nang ito. Putang-ina! Ang masama pa dun ay para sa iyo, balewala ang lahat nang ito. Hindi ako mahalaga para sa iyo. At dapat din naman talaga ay hindi ka mahalaga sa akin pero hayup ka! Ano bang nangyayari sa akin?!

Nakuha mo ba ang nais kong sabihin nang papasakay ako sa jeep? Nakuha mo ba ang lalim ng aking tingin nang malaman kong ikaw nga iyon, ang taong gumulo sa buhay ko. Ang taong ipinamukha sa akin na hindi ako tunay na lalaki. Ang taong hindi mawala-wala sa isip ko sa loob ng mahigit isang taon na.

Nagsalita ka, at ininom ko muli ang tunog ng iyong boses. Sinubukan kong lunurin ang sarili ko sa sandaling iyon. Ang limang minutong makakasama ko ang tanging minahal ko na ni isang kusing ay walang ibinalik sa aking pagtingin o pakikiramay man lang.

Bumaba ka kaagad, at dun lang ako muling sumulyap sa kinauupuan mo. Wala ka na. Ni anino ng shirt mo hindi ko man lamang nahuli. Hindi ko muling nakita ang iyong mukha. Ang iyong mga kamay. Hindi ko nagawang tingnan ka habang nandun ka, nakaupo, hindi makakaalis sa kahit anong lalim na titig ang itapon ko sa iyo.

Binigyan na ako ng pagkakataon upang ayusin ang lahat. Upang magawa ang mga nais ko sanang gawin pero wala. Wala akong nagawa dahil wala naman akong puwang sa puso mo.

Balang-araw makakamove-on din ako sa iyo. Balang-araw makakahanap din ako ng iba na magmamahal sa akin. Darating din ang araw kung kailan hindi na iikot ang mundo ko sa iyo. Pero hanggang doon, lalabanan ko pa rin ang walang basehang damdamin ko na kahit ano mang powers ng utak ko ang gamitin ko ay hindi ko pa rin lubusang maintindihan.

Smile

The Run done, I thought of going to Chemsoc to have a quick yosi break. And as if there wasn't enough events for one day, guess who I encountered in AS walk? Tadaa! None other than him. But being the usual jerk that he was, he didn't notice me. He was smiling (how he likes to flash those pearly whites everywhere!) as he was looking at some of the Shock Value posters, his neck deliberately tilted so that he would avoid looking at me. Or maybe he just didn't notice me (but it would destroy the effect I am trying to achieve with this paragraph, so let's just assume that he ignored me, smiling.)

It was almost the perfect scene for the middle part in Dido's "White Flag":

And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on

He walked past, and I turned my head to look at him again because I couldn't quite believe it was really him. If somebody I knew saw me then, they'd probably say, from the expression on my face, "Why Bry, you're flabbergasted! What happened?" And why was he in AS at that time? I think he watched the Run, that's why he was smiling like that! Hehehe!

I went inside the Chemsoc tambayan, and said hello to my friends. When I got to the open area at the back, I immediately lit up a stick, expecting I would need it. But I needed no such thing, it turned out. I was calm, if a bit excited over the Oblation Run and the shouts accompanying it. But at that time, I was more concerned about me hungry tummy. I was expecting more, I said to myself repeatedly "Hey, isn't that him you just saw?" Nothing. No effect.

But you know, reader, if I have moved on, should I still be talking about it here?

I am holding on to you not because I love you... But because I failed to get you, and that - my failure - is what I cannot accept to myself. And to my readers.

The next time I see you, and I fervently hope for that time to come because I want to redeem myself. I want to smile at you. Make you see that I am in my own heaven without you
And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on

And I will smile. I won't forget to smile. It wouldn't be that flashy as yours though. It would be more like a slight quirking of the corners of my lips. My small expression to say that "I hate you! You've made a fool out of me, but that's cool. You did what you have to do. I did what was meant for me to do. So we're quits. By the way, you look great."

And then I'll walk ahead (stopping by to talk is out of the question unless it is you who'll ask me to), and you'll do the same, at a faster rate perhaps, but I know we'll still be thinking about each other for a few more seconds before we figuratively get ourselves lost in the crowd of students... and teachers.

***
Check this one out... It's an excerpt from one of my favorite books... This is one of those reads which made me cry... Read "The Colour of the Wheat Fields" .

Oblation Run

Butts.

I saw some guys' butts this afternoon in Pav 2. There was this re-Oblation Run because of Secretary "Something's" comment about UP in PDI's yesterday issue. How reckless and thoughtless of him. My opinion on the matter? You need to be part of UP to fully understand what UP really stands for. And it is our job to understand those who are not ummm... enlightened. Don't worry, I'm not mad. We understand (but that doesn't mean we won't do anything about it!) I should react about this, I'm a UP Instructor!

Back to the story ---> I saw some butts this afternoon. I wasn't supposed to, because my class is on the second floor, but it turned out that I had to go back down to the first floor to fill some of my students' test tubes with their unknown ion solution. And voila! I saw guys' butts parading down the corridor.

It was a nice watch really. I mean, you don't get to see a lot of guys' butts everyday right? But the thing was, I felt something I shouldn'tve have felt at that time. And that is? (I know what you're thinking, you pervert... =) ) Fear!

It seemed like the whole pav went quiet as they passed. The students in lab gowns didn't bother coming out of the labs to watch them (or they were probably too conscious about what others might say if they were seen looking at dicks.) Time seemed to have slowed down (I know, it's too cheesy, but that's how it was!) The runners were shouting, and if I heard them correctly, they were shouting something I cannot write in here. Media people, carrying their paraphernalia, were running after them.

The important thing was, they were angry. You can feel it in the air as they passed. And who wouldn't? Oblation Run has been an honored tradition for them (and for UP) and they cannot bear someone to simply insult them without retaliating.

Sec. Gonzalez (I just heard his name from the news) failed to see the point behind the whole thing. It's really embarrassing for him to have said that. I mean, he's already working in the government, and he still interprets issues from their face value? All he saw was naked men running. That's all. Either he's gay, or he's just bitter he wasn't able to pass the UPCAT.

No seriously, I cannot help but react. I am a UP man through and through. He should apologize. That is what I think. And if he does not, that just shows how deluded our lawmakers are.

But what if he was simply trying to provoke UP as part of a larger destabilization plot? Perhaps somebody more powerful up there wanted to dethrone GMA and whoever that was thought that incurring the wrath of UP could be one way to achieve it. Who knows?

See even in this after-issue, the Oblation Run has done its job. True, I saw some butts, but it also started me talking and thinking about the government and how mentally inept some of our politicians are. I'm not qualified to talk about the meaning of the Oblation Run in depth (gotta be cautious), but for me, it's like a beacon, pointing us to issues we should be aware of. And that done, we should react about it. Hence, this blog entry.

Dancefloor

I was walking back to my apartment, smiling, as I recalled the things which have happened that night. It was harmless. A wholesome night, and I had a guilty feeling I shouldnt've manipulated things to fall into place that way. Well, you know me. You can call me "the Spider" for the way I try to make things happen to my own pleasure. (Wink!)

But lying down on my bed that night, I came to a startling conclusion - that I am simply playing around with him and that there's really nothing deeper. My endearments for him are no more sincere than my affection for, let's say, my fone. But is that really how I feel?

I'm actually torn about what to do next. What was, will be again. Unless I do it right this time. I've learned from last year, not to give my heart away too fast and too fully. And so far, I am not having problems with that. This is barely a fourth of what I felt for... that person (may he go to hell).

Right now, I am simply waiting for someone to light my fire again. Someone to bring back the magic in me when I am passionately in love - if I could wait, that is. If I can stop myself from dabbling my fingers wherever I feel like it.

Love is a game. You win, you lose. But the chase is what I love the most about it. The excitement, the uncertainty, how much of your feelings to hide and to show. The hints, the winks, the interpretations fueled by your baseless assumptions.

LE once told me of the change in me compared to last year. Last year, she said, I can't help talking about "it". My eyes had this certain sparkle whenever I make kwento about what just happened that morning. Whenever I come back to the faculty room and meet her there, she couldn't help but notice how I enjoyed our "meeting".

It makes me really sad to realize that those days are gone. I find myself now, sitting in front of this computer, wishing I was back there in that state. When I was chasing what I knew I couldn't have.

***

Last night, I went to PACSosyalan with my Chemsoc friends. It was a rather bland night in the beginning. And there was not much time for dancing. I was expecting the event to be held in a bar where I can be as wild (and as drunk) as I want myself to be.

And while I was dancing, looking at my friends enjoying the night, the music, the company. Feeling the beat of the music in my chest, how the lights played upon our bodies as we were moving them, I forgot my life for a while. I forgot that I was this miserable. I forgot the heartbreaks. I forgot that I am lonely. All that mattered was that I was clapping my hands and jumping with the rest of my friends, happy and content.

On the dancefloor, all of us are equal. It doesn't matter whether you are a good dancer or not. It doesn't matter whether you're lonely, or that you have a significant other. It doesn't matter whether you're straight or gay. What is more important is that we are all there to enjoy the very few moments we are together, following the beat of the one music the DJ is playing for us.

I wish moments like that would last forever...

NOTE TO THE READER: In honor of "One Tree House" reaching more than a hundred blog entries, I will be including on some of my new entries, a link to some of my most memorable blogs. I hope you'd enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.

Here's one I wrote last November. I like how this one ends...
"Escape"

Emptied

I was staring at the carpet, half-listening to Chase's daily rambling about his salary, his lovelife, his plans. I was playing with my lighter, tossing it up, catching it as it falls. I tried it with my eyes closed, and I failed.

I was staring at the carpet, wondering how the threads are woven into a pattern. My fingers tracing the lines, the colors, what the pattern wants to tell me. It did not make sense, and yet somehow, I had a stupid feeling I should be able to find something in it.

Lost in my universe. Trying to come back down. Thinking that only a precious few will be able to relate to what I'm going through. And what is it I'm going through? Nothing.

Sarah McLachlan was on the background, singing "Do What You Have To Do".

"I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do. And I have the sense to recognize, that I don't know how to let you go..."

I may be ambiguous at times, but I know that I'm a man at heart.

Doesn't make sense. This blog doesn't make sense. But should everything make sense? Is there a point in living a life devoid of rules, simply following your whims and desires?

I'm doing calming exercises to clear my mind. And it makes me empty. And when I'm empty, I don't make sense.

I long for the day. That day when all these will be over. When I will rediscover the old me. The funny, easy-going me. But I can't remember if I ever was easy-going at all. At all...

Thoughts forming themselves into words are floating in my mind, and they shimmer amidst scenes of dreams, of past happenings in my life. Against pictures of sadness. Of grief. What am I grieving for anyway?

I can't turn my mind off!

I may be ambiguous at times, but I know that I'm a man at heart.

Gripping Sanity

I shouldn't blog when I have nothing to write about. I shouldn't waste your time and impose my thoughts on you when you are already busy with your own problems. But I have no choice, my dear reader. I have no other outlet. I've got no one to talk to but you.

Imaginary you. My reader doesn't have a face, or a name. When I'm writing in here, I do not care who will read this. It could be him. It could be her. A past student. A high school or elementary school friend. A friend of a friend. You could be my cousin (but I very much doubt it). Or you could be one of those who added me as your friend even though we haven't met at all. Or you could even be someone who just passed by, browsing through friendster.

What is with this blog? Why am I putting so many stuff in here? Why can't I just write my thoughts in a private journal instead of publishing them here?

I've asked myself these questions a lot of times before. And the reason behind all of these, I have discovered, is as wrapped in sappy melodrama as my entries here.

I live in an imaginary world. And this blog is a big part of that world. If I delete this blog. If I stop writing, I'll have nowhere to go to.

For you see, I am looking for someone. Someone I can talk to about everything. Friends can only go so far. Even LE doesn't know everything about me. I'm looking for someone who gets me. Who appreciates what I appreciate about me.

I've always been a lonely person. Ever since I was born, I've never felt I've completely exposed myself to a single person. Sure, I tell a lot to my close friends, to my students, but I feel that they barely scratch my surface. I have a lot to talk about, that even if I venture into telling you about something as personal as my sex life, I'm not bothered about it. Because there are deeper things in me than that.

If my blog suddenly became Riddle's diary, for sure Riddle would be alive by now. He would be bloated by my essence.

I feel like I'm a hole reader. Not an asshole. Just a hole. No matter how deep I dig into me, I cannot seem to find anything clearer about me. The deeper I dig, the more I get confused. Perhaps it's just me who's making my life complicated. Even so, I cannot stop myself from thinking that way. So what should I do? (See, this paragraph clearly illustrates my way of thinking.)

I should've been a philosopher. For if I was, I shouldn't be wasting time writing about stuff about me. I could be using my brain cells to think about philosophical questions which could benefit society.

I'm so full of myself. And you know that very well, reader. For you see, I have to keep this going. If I give up on me... If I look on myself any lower, I'd probably fall into a depression. That's probably my self-defense mechanism. I think highly of myself otherwise I'd go crazy.

I remember asking John Ray, a friend who is an occupational therapist, when a patient with schizophrenia starts showing symptoms. And unfortunately, he said that 21 (my age) is still within the age bracket.

I'm not sure if me going crazy will be a relief for me or not. It will be a relief since, then, I will be able to justify all my ramblings in this blog. I can justify the erratic things that I've done. I can justify falling in love with a guy and breaking up with my girlfriend. I can justify my hedonistic escapades. I can justify why I'm so damn crazy!!

If it turns out that I'm normal, then it would mean that I'm an outlier. I would be shunned by society. I couldn't probably accept that. I'm already shunned because I'm bisexual, now they're going to push me away because I think too much and too abnormally?!

Why can't I fit into your world reader? Why can't i make myself think like you do? Feel like you do? Look like you do? Fuck like you do?! I'm so fucking abnormal in almost everything I half-wish I could kill myself just to complete it!

The feeling of killing myself has become so very very tempting again, reader, I should be afraid not excited. It would be... glorious to kill myself. And why shouldn't I? I'm abnormal, right? I don't love like you do. I don't LIVE like you do! I'm an ABERRATION! Even God doesn't approve of the things I've done. He doesn't even approve of me being myself!

Now you. You! You and you! You keep pushing me to come back to God when He has mentioned that man laying with mankind is an abomination!!! How do you expect me to behave? Come back to Him and ask to be changed for something He did to me? How do you explain that you HYPED-UP BLINDED religious people?!!!

Damn! This life sucks! And now you, you who consider yourself as my friend. You will post a comment here if you care for me a bit. You will say stuff to try to make me feel better. Vague stuff about religion, about  life, love, some harmless-looking saying to spice up your comment and I sure do appreciate that but that ISN'T ENOUGH to change me completely. What are words? Will they change my sexuality? Will they change how crazy I am? What can they do?!

I'm hopeless reader. I'm hopeless since the help you can give me isn't doing the job it's supposed to do. I think you realize that by now. I've put myself on the edge, no, I've JUMPED inside insanity (or am I sane enough to even use that word?) you cannot help me. You cannot help me anymore reader. What's wrong with me is in the inside, and the only person who can change that is me, and I CANNOT.

So can I kill myself now? Because I can't see the sense in my life. I can't see my purpose anymore. Ooops that was wrong. I CAN see where my life will lead... A straight humps-free road to eternal loneliness (or damnation, if you want to be more melodramatic.)

You know what, I've made a bet on myself. If the guy I fell in love with will come back to me as a friend, and forget whatever has transpired, I will start believing in God again. I tried my best to tell him. But he didn't. So...