Holding On

Chiyo, I'm sorry. I am just this way. Believe me. I am trying my best to change. It is hard, but I've gone a long way from who I used to be. One day, I hope to meet you there. I hope.

I'm not really failing yet. I can hold on, Chiyo, but... sometimes I think of you, and whether you are satisfied with me. I get scared. Because you can just easily go out there and find somebody else in a snap. You can find in them what you can't find in me.

I'm sad, Chiyo. Because I really want us to be happy. But for us, it is going to be more difficult. We have to run faster than most couples. We have to work harder than them. Often, I think of you. I think of how you selflessly went with me in this. How you chose a losing side, and went with struggle and uncertainty rather than with peace and clarity.

But Chiyo, despite this, I can't help but see how we really love each other. You chose me over him, against a lot of ill feelings from his side. You stick with me, despite how many times I've let you down and left you. You held on despite knowing that I am a bisexual and that at that time, I was eyeing someone else. You stayed. You believed in our relationship.

What about me? Well, nobody might see it, but I'm fighting for our love internally. Despite my failures, I try to keep a straight face and be brave for tomorrow. I'm holding on, even if it seems fate itself is unclasping my fingers from my grip. I'm fighting the devil. Even God knows I am bleeding inside but I hold on to you Chiyo. Because you love me. You were there for me. We've spent a lot of time together. We even live together now. Even if I don't show it by giving you roses or chocolates, or if I prove the contrary by teasing you or ignoring you, you matter to me. You know that. I may often be cold and tactless but when I am sweet and warm, you know that that is genuine.

Chiyo, I love you. Couples are not always in love. We go uphill and downhill often, but now when I truly feel it, I am wasting no time in saying that I love you. For everything.