I don't like monthsaries very much. I like the feeling that, hey, we've been this how many months together, but for me, it's like... it's like a ticking bomb. It's like you're always anticipating that soon, everything will blow up.
Chiyo got quite mad at me. It has just turned 12 midnight, and she greeted me a Happy Monthsary. I was lying in bed, already half-asleep and I thought of mumbling a reply but I was just too tired. That was selfish of me but that is who I am. Anyway, it's just a date. It's nice and all that but it isn't nice enough for me to do something with it. Like I've said, it's a ticking bomb for me.
I wonder what will be the effect of what I'm doing to my psychology. Having a girlfriend is one of the best things that happened to me. But with that comes restrictions and responsibilities. She doesn't tell me not to look at men or even think about men, but I try not to. And sometimes, it suffocates me. Like you're stopping yourself from being who you are. It is not her fault. As I've said I imposed that restriction on me, because I think that it is one way to make our relationship last longer.
It makes my head ache at times. All this mind control that I'm doing. Like I see this guy, and I think he's good-looking, then I have to reprimand myself for thinking such a thing, because I have a girlfriend, because liking men is wrong, because men won't like me anyway. It makes my head ache! But it's different for girls, though. Like when I think this student is pretty, I don't scold myself. I say... Hmmm, I think she looks nice, well, that's normal, and I have no problems with that.
I really want to make it last with Chiyo. I won't find anyone else like her. No one will love me more than she loves me - that's the truth and I know it. It is always me who has the issues, always me who has to fall. I am always the one to be understood. And that irks me, because I don't always want to be the source of our problems. I want us to last. I want to please her, but sometimes it doesn't work. I cannot pretend to feel warm when I feel cold. I cannot force myself to be sweet when I feel bitter. If I could only siphon away all this feminity inside me and throw them to his damn face, I would gladly do it. For Chiyo.
I don't know, God. This dilemma you are putting me through. Perhaps it would have been better if I had the chance to have a boyfriend before Chiyo came so I wouldn't have all these thoughts inside me anymore. Perhaps, then, I would be in a more decided state than I am now. And that thoughts about men (or women) might have been stacked at the far reaches of my brain.
Chiyo is good enough for me. Well, she allows me to fool around with her in bed, so who wouldn't be satisfied with that? <Wink!> However, I am scared for us having an unplanned baby. One of us might get careless. One night, when we were doing you-know-what, I asked her, "Are you fertile?", and then she thought for a while, and said, "Yes, but never mind. Keep going," or something of the sort. I did go on for a while, but I thought (it's harder to think then) that if I blew this, we might have a baby! So I stopped and lay beside her, laughing and panting. "You should be concerned about whether you are fertile or not. You can't say 'Bahala na', then after nine months you have a baby!"
I would have liked to talk more about the "wonders" of you-know-what. Wait, why do I have to be so prudish? SEX! I'm talking about SEX! If you're underage, bust out of this blog. I have control here. Wait, I have students here who read my blog. Will it be proper, knowing that your teacher privately talks about sex? Of course, it is. I'm not like most teachers who are virgins and squares! And besides, I don't talk about this in my classes. I hint perhaps, or I gloss over. But I don't say 'cunt' or 'dick' out right. I don't even refer to those things! There was a time, however, in my Chem 16 summer class when I accidentally said "significunt figures." They didn't catch that though, I think.
Well, after this long talk, do you really think I would talk about my sex life? Not all, of course. I just had to share this two funny moments! One, when I had a lockjaw while (report user!) and two, when she was (report user!) me and (report user!) went into her (report user!), even if she swore she wouldn't do it! It was funny because she (report user!) at the same time my (reprt user!) was (report user!) Hahaha!
This is one queer entry. Started with talking about how difficult it was for my mind, the control thingy, and ended with how easy it was for my (report user!). Why do I have to say report user for? Why can't I just write what I want to write right out? Well, aren't blogs meant for these? For freedom of expression. Is there seomeone who checks people's blogs and reports those who are talking about malicious stuff? Like a blog police? Can you "report user" me?
No. This isn't just about this. Because there is one such thing as "privacy" that I am slowly and deliberately shedding. Perhaps "we", but hers is in a lesser extent. It's this celebrity fever we've got. We're stars here in the blogging world, in the real world even because we are being talked about. Can you imagine the once nerdy and square Bryan break someone else's relationship, place himself in, and screw her up? Can you imagine the once nerdy and square Bryan, come out and tell everything, tell a guy that he loves him, be brave enough (unlike so many others out there, come on third sex people, come OUT!) to confess?
NO! I will blog what I want to blog because in this way, like when I teach, I am able to impose upon the world my influence. In this way, I can somehow change the world. Through broadcasting my thoughts in the web, I can say that, "Hey this is me. This is how I live my life. How about you? Are you getting the most out of it? Are you being enclosed by now failingand defunct social structures? Come out and be yourself! In the end, you'll find that you do not really care what they will say. They're just jealous, narrow-minded, and dim!"
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