My Last Night at the Rooftop

Past 12 - my typical waking time on a workless weekend. Chiyo was already awake. Ready to take a bath after putting her things in boxes to be shipped to our new home. My head ached as I rose from her bed. Still got the cold.

Wasn't in the mood to eat much so we just ordered a footlong sandwich and gulped it down with some softdrinks. I bought some small cardboard boxes on our way back. They were for my things to be shipped to our new home.

Ate MeAnn, the owner of the sari-sari store if front of the boarding house stopped me as I passed by. She said, "Lilipat na kayo 'no?", with a sadness that went through me. I simply replied, "Yes...", with downcast eyes. I did not really want to leave yet, but we are being forced out. I had a feeling she knew why we had to leave.

At about 2:30pm my Chem 16 students came, an hour before Chiyo went home to Laguna. There were five of them - Elo V, Elo B, Housemate Deann, Lee, and Diann. Before we could start though, Ate Carmen, the landlady, summoned me. We talked about my rent. Actually, we argued. She wanted me to pay rent for May but since it will be the last month of my stay there, I decided to use my deposit. She told me that I have already used my deposit to pay for my July rent last year, and that, consequently, I need to pay my May rent. I insisted that I have already paid my July rent, and I even showed her my receipt. My hands were shaking all the while though, bacause she kept on reiterating about the "katarantaduhan" that I've been doing in our room. She kept on comparing me to Tin (who I'm already starting to earnestly hate) who payed her rent on time.

It was good that I kept my temper all the while. Otherwise, I may have been put out of the house right then. I was proud though because she gave up eventually, saying that I don't need to pay the rent. She was relieved that we will be leaving tomorrow. I talked to her like an equal, which is really the truth, and I kept on waiting for her to burst with anger while we were arguing. But she didn't.

When I went back to our room, I was still a bit shaken. They were all able to hear our voices. It wasn't nice that they heard us, but at least, they know the truth now about relationships in the boarding house.

Then, me and my students went to business. It was a good review session all in all. They were not really clueless about the lessons, and I simply had to emphasize a few things here and there and guide them through some drills. When we were done, I asked them to join me at the rooftop to talk and have some smokes.

They kept on insisting for me to make kuwento about my love life. And so I did after a while. I told them everything, even my bisexuality. They were cool with that. And I poured on them how hard it was sometimes. How hard it was to be in the middle. How hard it gets for me just to live. They gave me advice. They told me I was still young (people keep on telling me that) and that I do not have to think about the future too much. Live for the moment, they said.

It was already dark when we finished talking. It was a moment. They've really become my friends back then. A bond has been formed - a long bond, Elo V said, but I reminded her that that was a weak bond, and insisted on us forming a triple bond instead.

After they went home, I ate dinner alone and went on packing my things. I only had very few things to pack and so I was done after five minutes. I left the rest for tomorrow. It was then that I felt this sadness. I was being disattached from a place where a lot has happened. Where I grew up, where I fell, where I loved, where I revealed myself, where I lived with happiness and acceptance, where I almost killed myself, where I became a man... at least for a while.

Even if I don't think about it, it gets to me. I get easily attached to places too.

Tonight will be my last night at the rooftop. My last night staring at the searchlights, the moon, the stars, the buildings, the mountains, the trees. My last night listening to muffled shouts, loud music from afar, the occasional sounds of dogs, cats, and roosters. My last night feeling the coldness of the wind as I smoke and think back and think ahead.

I'm not sure if I can cry for a place but I know that I will surely miss it. I will miss climbing the stairs in the dark, hearing Taffy bark sometimes. How I look up first to check if there were other people in there. How I sit on the ledge, how I pace back and forth, how I cry alone if there was something I need to let out. I will miss the times when I go up there with my cigs and a mug of cola and lately with my discman. How I listen to the songs as I stare at the surroundings which suit my mood. I will miss going up there with Chiyo, talking, kissing, hugging. Just wallowing in each other's presence. Just being with each other.

Thinking back, it was the boarding house which made it possible for us to be together. And despite the ugly ending of our (the house's) relationship, I still will be grateful for its white fortress-like sunlit walls, for its wooden double-deck beds, for the smell of paint, for Ate MeAnn, for the big mirror just outside the door, perhaps even for Arnie, and most of all, I'm grateful for the rooftop.

Goodbye to my boarding house. I can cry for an inanimate object after all.