Fucking Issue

How far is too far?

Last Friday, Chiyo and I came home from dinner with Ate Babeh, Jofel, and Chris at Sarah's. It was a hot and humid night. Chiyo and I decided to take a quick bath before going home to my parents at Las Pinas.

While we were inside the bathroom, somebody came. Of course, we didn't know who it was. It could have been Frose, or Chase, or least likely Kyle. We didn't mind though, since we know that they wouldn't mind us. After, while we were putting on our clothes, somebody knocked on our door. It was Arnie, the caretaker of the boarding house. He gave me a letter, saying that it was from Ate Carmen, the landlady.

It was like I was punched senseless after I read the letter. Of all things that could happen! It says that she was giving us until June to find a new house to live in since we were already acting like a couple - taking a bath together. "Nakakahiya sa mga ibang boarders," it added.

I handed the letter to Chiyo, trying hard to act like I was unaffected. She laughed and snorted after reading it, but we were both silent a long while.

For me, that is one big deal. Being put out of the boarding house because of that! A part of me was angry at Arnie and Ate Carmen, putting their noses in where they don't belong. I think it was Arnie who went inside the room while we were in the bathroom. Hearing our voices inside, he went and told Ate Carmen. The other part of me was a bit ashamed. Well... it was because we did it at 9pm. There were still a lot of boarders watching the TV and I think they have heard our voices coming from the bathroom. I can't remember anything that I might have said to be... well.

What makes this issue more irritating is that why it has to happen now? First, I am still not in the mood to leave the house. I love the rooftop. The place is cheap, and I can walk from there to work. I think I still cannot afford living in an apartment. Second, this thing has to affect other issues - very essential issues concerning our relationship. Just the day before it happened, we had a long talk about stuff, and just when I thought I was doing better, here comes Ate Carmen with his sneaky sidekick Arnie to reruin my life!

That night, when Chiyo and I were in bed at my parents house, I was still thinking about it. Too much so such that I practically pushed Chiyo away when she was cuddling me. It's this fucking issue! Yes, fucking. I mean the word as it is not as an adjective.

Are we going too far? We are of age. We are 21 and we are responsible for our actions. It's not like we will be having an unplanned baby like every other couple these days. Damn it! It was like destroying my momentum. It was like well, finally, I have a girlfriend now. I can put an end to those endless fantasizing when I was younger. And now? Now, are you telling me we are going too far just by taking a bath together?

Okay, to help those who are too naive, it's not just taking a bath that we did. And that fact makes what Ate Carmen said hurt me more. It was because I was guilty.

I am guilty, of sometimes letting my libido take the lead over my brain. There have been a lot of embarrassing moments of being caught by my friends in the boarding house. (Chiyo is not the only one who has seen my thing.) There was even a time when my friends were in the point of talking to us - of making us act more discreetly. Or perhaps more decently?

I am guilty. Yes I am. But one thing I am sure of is that this issue cannot destroy us because in the first place, it isn't the sole basis of our relationship. I am not being a hypocrite. Chiyo and I know the truth about us.

Now, I do not know how this ugly feeling inside me will last. I don't know how high or low Arnie has spread the issue about us. I do not know how my housemates will look at me after what happened. But, really, I don't care much about what they think. If I knew what they were thinking, I think they're just green with envy (and lust) about what we do and can do in the boarding house. <Wink!>

Buzzer: GUILTY!

The Song

The song was beating inside my head as the dark clouds above swirled amidst a still darker sky. My head was spinning, as fast as thoughts alone could make your head spin. Soon, I will fall, I thought. And this madness will stop eventually.

Back and forth was the sound of that voice inside my ears. Back and forth, until the chaos suddenly left me. Leaving me looking foolish. A bemused expression upon my face and yet my thoughts were empty.

It was then that I jumped. I jumped from the rooftop down to whatever lies below me. Madness. Madness that was and yet I've never felt so exhilirated. I formed my fist into a ball and punched the pavement on which I landed. Pow! I punched and I punched until the ground cracked, leaving my fist a bloody stump. I punched and I punched until I buried myself. Die! Die! Die! I don't deserve to live this life. Die so I can just end it. I can do this but I don't want it. I want that but I can't do it.

Lightning flashed and thunder roared as the rain poured down on my misery. Bury me with it God! Bury me! Are there really two paths before me or is it just one? Answer me! Answer me now God!

The song was beating inside my head as the dark clouds above swirled amidst a still darker sky. My head was spinning, as fast as thoughts alone could make your head spin. Soon, I will fall, I thought. And this madness will stop eventually.

Re: I Deserve It

All I ever thought about was myself. Sometimes, we just have to let people go. It was my fault alone. I was blinded by my pain and misery, I never thought about the other side. Now I finally understood how it is to fall and deal with it after.

In my search for answers to why he did what he did, I reread the email message he sent me before. It was like reading it again for the first time. I did not really understand what he was telling me then. Like I skimmed through sentences I thought was unnecessary. I focused on the last word - that was all. But now, I understand.

The past few days after it happened, I tried to know why he wanted to leave everything behind. Why one small thing suddenly turned out to be this huge issue that severing of ties was his only way of dealing with it. Everybody, I think, if placed in my position, will be hurt by that. And all this time, I unknowingly pretended to be searching for the answer when all along I was simply wallowing in my stupid and baseless pain.

"I would like to leave everything behind," he said. "I hope you'll try your best to understand." There that was it. I did not even try to understand. Now I do. I had. I simply have to accept it that that was what he wanted. I understand. And now I feel free.

I was stupid all this time. It is galling to admit it, and I know that sometimes, it is unwise to post all my thoughts in this blog because I know that it hurts her. It is an on-going battle against myself. It doesn't feel good at all when I wind up hurting everyone (including me) because of my decisions. It is an on-going battle - this life - and often I lose. But now, after realizing this, I'm one up on life. One step higher towards maturity. One step higher towards accepting myself as I am.

Hell's Glare

God, I do not know how I feel towards you now. We've been close, I know. Back then, when we hardly have anything to eat, you helped me, us, make it through. We were close, and that despite my natural skepticism, I felt that there was a difference with you present in my life. A positive difference.

But now, God, what are you putting me through? I started turning away from you. Because, as I was getting older, I change. I learn things about myself. I began to understand what a cursed life you are putting me into. I began to blame you for things, so perhaps it was better that you were absent from my life. That way, I cannot lay the blame on anything. But if you're back around, well, you've got powers. You're controlling my life. You're giving me all this shit! You are cruel.

Sometimes, God, it's beginning to hurt me loads. If I could have been normal God, I would have been so happy! I wouldnt have messed the lives of those who got involved with me! I would've focused on other things. I would've saved a lot of tears from unnecessary pain, which, of course, you delegated to me! I would've advanced! But NO, God! You've put me through this!

What reader? You're siding up with God again. Well? Calling me a demon, satanic, whatever I don't care what you call me! You think I was to blame? You think I had a hand in being like this? You think I would deliberately choose bisexuality over heterosexuality? D'you think I chose this??

But God, I'm not really too angry, if I think of both sides. Well, at least you gave me Chiyo here. She helps me cope and understand myself better. There are my students, too. I've had such a wonderful time being with them. You gave me the chance to be a teacher, and through that, I have touched many lives. My soul was filled. Of course, there are my friends, who still care a lot for me (just look at the comments here in my blog). And of course, there's mom, Baby, dad, and my crazy bro. And there's music. There's always music to lean to.

God, thank you for giving me all these. Without them, I might not have made it on my own. You are cruel, God, true, but you try to help, too, in ways we do not directly see.

Is that why you named me Bryan Christian - a strong believer in Christ? That despite all the shit I've been getting, all these problems, in the end, I'll be able to come out of hell's glare? If that is so God, thank you. I like how all these is helping me know more about life, about myself and other people. I will do my best and pass this test. Romantic relationships are not the only sources of happiness in this world. I will make it through all these in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

One Summer Night

It was past 1am in the morning. I was still awake, listening to music and calculating stuff for my countdown. My parents were already asleep upstairs. Because it was vacation, my nocturnal self has adjusted my sleeping pattern such that I go to sleep around 5 or 6 in the morning. 1am was still too early to go to bed and read, I decided to open the door for some fresh air and pollute it with cigarette smoke. When I looked outside after opening the door, I saw him hanging around near our house. I smiled.

I caught his eye as I opened the door a little. He saw me, got the hint and he came inside quietly. I openly observed the way he walked. Like he owns the place. Confident, slow, and arrogant. Without a word, he passed by me and entered our house. I closed the door as quietly as I could, preventing the wind chimes from tinkling.

He was already in his favorite chair, lounging, by the time I got back to him. He blinked, and then he closed his eyes. Well, I cannot blame him if he was sleepy. It was late.

I continued what I was doing. Often, though, he distracts me. I just cant keep myself from looking at him once in a while. He's just too cute. I cannot help myself.

We've been five years together, him and I. Just this Valentine's. It was harder lately, since I had to go live away from home during the last year. I missed him. But no matter, he's always around when I go home on weekends. Putting my pen down, I went near him and wove my fingers through his hair.

I like him a lot because he is so much like me. Passive, stoic, indifferent, snobbish. He's sweet sometimes. Like when it's cold, he'll suddenly come near you and he'll sit on your lap. During those rare moments, I try to be as still as possible to make him feel more comfortable. I like how I feel his warmth suffusing through my thighs.

I bent low and kissed him. I kissed his forehead. My hands moving through his hair. My mom has seen me kiss him. And like her reaction to most of the things I do, she disapproves. She says it is dirty, kissing him. I don't pay her any mind though, I kiss him again just to prove that. I cannot remember if my Dad has seen me kiss him. If he did, he didn't say anything about it.

My hands travel to the rest of his body. To his chest, to his abdomen, his arms, his legs. Soft and delicate, I feel every part of him. I held his hand and pressed it, he pressed back. I slapped his thighs, and he jerked. I like it when I please him.

I tried holding his tail with my right hand. It was stiff, and it pressed against my hand. If I hold it too hard, he moans. Most of the time, he does not allow me to hold it, so I handle his tail as gently as I could.

I have tried sleeping with him before. My mom of course will not allow such a thing. But it's really not that big a deal. I mean, I can clean up if ummm... things get messy. And besides, she cannot do anything if she finds me lying beside him in the morning. What's done is done, right? But out of respect for her, I didn't do my plan. Maybe soon, though, now that she's becoming more lenient with us.

After a while, we went outside. He doesn't smoke though. So, I just sat there, puffing, watching him watch me with his beautiful eyes. I thought of the usual stuff, and for more than once I wished that I could talk to him. I mean, really talk. Have a good conversation. But sadly, I know, that through all the years we have been together and for the years to come, all that I will be able to hear from him is a meow.

But despite that, I still love him. I will always love my pet cat, Baby.

Welcome to Heaven's Glare

Wow grabe, 50th entry ko na to sa blog ko! Naka-average ako ng about 8 blogs for the past six months. May makakatalo pa ba sa akin? Nagsimula ako mag-blog nung October last year. Yung unang entry ko pa nga "Excelsior" ung title. Wala lang...

For a change, hindi muna ako magpapaka-coño sa pag-eenglish. Hoy teka lang ha, huwag nyo namang sabihin na ang trying-hard ko sa pag-Eenglish. E kasi, ganun talaga ako pag seryosong bagay ang pinag-uusapan. Mas sanay ako na English ang gamitin. Kahit sa written journal ko, o kapag nagtetext ng seryosong bagay... Sabi ko nga sa iba, kunyari mananakawan ako, ang una kong masasabi ay - "Hey, that's mine!" At siguro hindi yun maiintindihan ng magnanakaw kaya tuloy lang sya sa pagtakbo. Unless UP student ung magnanakaw (kagaya nung kumuha ng celfone ko, putang ina mo! Kapag naging student kita, hindi ka na makakalabas ng classroom nang buhay. Kulong na kung kulong!)

Un din pala. Minsan, iniisip ko na may tendency akong pumatay ng tao. Kasi sa totoo lang, may pagka-violent talaga ako kahit nung bata pa. Kaya nga siguro nabaliw ung kapatid ko sa kakapukpok ko sa ulo nya nung bata pa kami. Masama ako noon e. Ay, hanggang ngayon din pala. Di ba kaya ko ngang pumatay ng tao?

May pagka-morbid ako. Naisip ko na kung paano papasok ung knife ko sa katawan ng papatayin ko. Kung paano tatalsik ang dugo. Kung paano siya sisigaw at lalaban, at kung paano ako tatawa dahil wala na syang kawala. Minsan, kung baril ang nais kong gamitin na weapon, naiisip ko kung paano tatagos ang bala sa katawan nila. Kung paano na lang silang biglang mamamatay at makikita ko ang kanilang mga huling facial expressions. Pero mas preferred ko ang knives kasi mas makalat at madugo.

Alam niyo, isa siguro sa mga unconscious (o conscious since nasabi ko na dito) ambitions ko ay ang magkaroon ng power. Kapangyarihan. Control. Magic. Para mas madami akong magawa sa mundo na 'to. Kung gusto kong tapusin ang buhay ni ganito, e di sige. Kung ayaw kong pumasok e di walang pasok. Kung gusto kong saktan ka, e di sasaktan kita! Hwahahaha! Pero un ay kung bad mood lang ako. Kung good mood, bibigyan ko lahat ng ice cream ang friends ko. Kahit lahat ng tao pa. O kaya pwede ding bigyan ko kayo ng orgasms! Multiple orgasms para sa lahat! Hehehe...

Bakit nga ba ako nag-blog ngayon? Kakabasa ko lang kasi sa comment ni Ching dun sa "My Speech", tapos nasabi nya na, un nga, ang drama ko daw. Well, totoo naman un. Hindi ko idedeny. Alam ko minsan, ung iba sa inyo, pag nabasa ang iba kong blog entries, naiinis lang or naaasar. Kasi parang wala na akong masabi kundi kalungkutan at kahibangan. E anong magagawa ko kung minsan talaga madrama ako?

At least, hindi naman ako palaging nagdradrama. Most of the time lang sa blog. Kasi ganito un, kailan ka ba naghahanap ng outlet? Kailan ka ba nasasaktan na parang kailangan mo na ng karamay? Hindi ba kapag malungkot ka? Iyon ang dahilan kaya karamihan sa mga entries ko dito ay puro duguan at luhaan ang laman. Ayoko naman magblog na wala namang nilalaman ang sinulat ko. At hindi naman ako nagbloblog para lang magpapansin sa inyo no. Excuse me.

Minsan nga kung napapaisip ako na bakit ang lungkot ko, naiisip ko din kung bakit ko tinatanong kung bakit ang lungkot ko. Kasi for one thing, ang dami ko nang friends - lahat ng former students ko. Andyan si Chiyo, na ang tiyaga at walang reklamo sa isang monster na katulad ko. Kung baga sa SIms, ok naman ang "Social", "Fun", at "Comfort" bar ko. E paano ung iba? (Quick, change topic!)

Grabe ang weird naman ng summer ngayon. Umuulan pare! Wow tsong! Paano kung nasa beach ako ngayon tapos umulan. Aba'y putang ina nag-beach pa ko. Sayang naman ang aking get-up man! (Na-discover ko na ang aking latest talent - ang mag change topic.)

Okay, seryoso na nga. 'Di ba, kung tutuusin, madami akong dahilan para magsaya. Basahin mo pa lang ung mga messages ng students ko, feeling mo pwede ka nang mamatay sa fulfillment. Pero ganun kasi talaga ang tao, hinahanap niya lagi ang wala siya. (Hmmm.. so ang conclusion ba nito ay tao ako? Matutuwa ba ako or hindi? Kasing level ko lang ba kayo...?! Hehehe. Matutuwa ba kayo or hindi?)

Lahat tayo naghahanap ng kasiyahan. Looking for happiness (if ever binabasa ni Fauve ang aking blog, at least may maiintindihan siya kahit paano). Or lahat nga ba? Baka marefute ang aking careless assumption. Ako, most of the time lang na looking for happiness. May pagka-masochistic nga din ako.

E ano ngayon kung pinag-uusapan natin ang kasiyahan dito? Anong connect? Wala lang. Gusto ko lang naman sabihin sa inyo na hindi lang ako puro drama. Na may mga moments na hindi ako umaakyat sa rooftop para magdrama. May mga moments din na umaakyat ako dun para i-appreciate ang view. Maramdaman ang lamig ng hangin. Or simply makipagkwentuhan lang sa mga kasama ko sa rooftop. At syempre lahat iyon habang nagyoyosi.

Masaya din ang buhay ko. Kahit papaano. Alam mo kung bakit? Kasi nandito ka, binabasa mo ang blog ko. (Shit ang drama na naman!) Hehehe. Actually hindi talaga iyon ang dahilan. Bakit ako masaya? Kasi masaya lang talaga ako minsan. Hindi ko na kailangang i-analyze pa!

Quote: "Kung may lungkot, may ligaya", sabi ni Tita Anne ko nung naglayas ako. Nung wala na akong mapuntahan... Ooops, that is a story for another blog entry. Mag-abang ka na lang! Kitams, ang saya ko ngayon no? Sana sumaya ka din kahit papaano sa pagbasa ng blog entry ko na to.

Untitled

I blog because I want to let things out. Sometimes it works. Sometimes, after I blog, I feel myself emptied of bad feelings. Like a pensieve. Removing memories I want to forget. For a while at least.

I talk about things which I consider important. I talk about life. I talk about my falls, my recovery, my confusion, my experiences - fun and bad. I talk about my thoughts, my beliefs, my opinion, my strengths and weaknesses.

In this way, I am able to isolate a part of myself and preserve it. Like a picture, I am storing memories as much as I can while I can. I like to look back at what has happened to me. At what I was before. I observe my cockiness, my pessimism, my misery, my elation, my life from a distance. Like I am reading about the life of another person. Someone I am acquainted with. Someone I thought I knew and yet is still full of surprises, not all good.

If I were another person, I would hug myself and cry. I will not say anything. I will just look into my eyes and try to find what is wrong. But is something really wrong?

One night, I went up to the rooftop. It was an eerie night. The sky was red, and stars were few. I sat on a chair and tried to think. I go up to the rooftop not because I want to smoke. I go up there to think. And so I thought as the smoke swirls in tendrils around my hand and face.

I thought about the existence of God. I thought about the reason for my existence if I am going to be thrown into hell anyway. I looked back at my life. How everything is changing fast. What you believed was true can change. What you believed will disappear is just hiding from a corner. Waiting to come back at you when you thought you have forgotten.

Despite all this negative energy around me now, I like how I am. I like how I get to look into my life deeper than I can at any other circumstance. I like how problems are able to reveal a part of me one at a time.

I need to go, too.