Creation and Creations

The last thought that I can remember before falling asleep one night was that about the validity of the existence of religion and of God. The darkness of my room helped me visualize the Earth as from space. The sun, the moon, the planets, and the stars all around me.

It slowly came upon me to ask myself why all of those were created? If God made the universe, it will look like He wasted a lot of effort for the other heavenly beings. What is Venus' purpose? Saturn's? Jupiter's? What about Pluto which isn't even considered a planet anymore? Why were they created? What about the other galaxies which contain other planets?

As I made myself move with the speed of who knows how many light years farther from a picture of our solar system in my mind, it became more obvious how insignificant the Earth is compared to the whole universe. If life was possible on our planet, taking the scientific point of view, then the chance of alien life is also a significant possibility, if not a big one.

I can see a similarity in how Earth was created and how life here is possible. Through biochemistry, I have seen how biomolecules make our cells function. There is no "unknown" or "indescribable" force inside our cells. "Biological life" is simply a matter of immensely-complex chemical reactions. There's also the matter of evolution from the primordial soup to the "thinking man", which to me, makes more sense as I mature as a scientist. But the main question is - how was the cell and its organelles constructed from the simpler chemical compounds present in a younger Earth?

A similar pattern, I think, applies to the universe, although I have much less knowledge about astronomy than biochemistry. Somehow, a planet with ideal conditions for carbon-based life came into being. A yellow sun, liquid water, and a mild atmosphere were made available to one of the myriad planets formed in the universe, making life possible here.

Yet again, a similar question occurs to me - where did the starting material (from the Big Bang) came from? The subsequent formation of other atoms from hydrogen and helium can be explained through physics and chemistry, but how was the energy to start the "explosion" which made the universe as it is today made? What force supplied that?

I have a vague idea that the first cell was made from a combination of evolution and chance (looking at how bacteria evolve fast), and that TIME is a major factor in it. I think humans are biased about what they think are possible because we have a limited notion of time. Given enough time, some things which we may believe almost impossible to occur, can occur. Will occur.

On the other hand, I have neither idea much less a theory on what supplied that Big Bang energy and where all those starting matter came from.

I was just talking to Ate Babeh who is currently working on the other computer here in the faculty room. I told her about my ideas, and she said that God supplied those starting materials, made that first explosion of energy, and guided how life was made possible here on Earth.

But still, I retorted, that that doesn't explain the possibility of alien life, which the Bible doesn't agree on. Her reply, which lit something inside me, is that religion may be false. The Bible is made by men. They might be wrong, but it doesn't mean that God does not exist.

I am about to close this entry (because I need to eat some lunch) and I'll leave you with this thought for the present. Who knows what purposes the other planets have? (Although I believe they might have been there to balance the gravitational forces and keep the Earth in its proper orbit.) Or the other stars like Vega, Antares, Betelgeuse, or Aldebaran? I don't know. I don't believe someone really knows either.

I questioned such things because I want to learn the truth about my life, my significance, but there are times when these "inquisitions" should step aside for acceptance. Just accept that the stars are there. The planets are there. I should just accept that I am here, a living being, and I am given the chance to think about beautiful thoughts such as these.

As much as question why a beautiful flower blooms in a rocky cliff where no insect, bird, or human can gaze on its beauty.

HIV+

LE once told me that one of the things she admires about me most is that I never panic. We were about to submit a reaction paper for our Enzymes class the next day and I haven't really read the articles that well yet. When she asked me about how I would be able to finish it, I simply shrugged and told her that everything would be fine eventually. We're already MS students, I told her. We don't need to grovel with acads as much as we did.

***

D made me confess about the exploration I've done last August (see "Sa Apartment") and one of the things he made me admit (aside from the... other things) was that I wasn't safe when I did what I did.

"What are the chances anyway?" I told him. "He looked healthy enough for me..."

But still, deep in my mind lodges the idea that at present, I might be sick. Even if I do look out for symptoms, I will not be able to see anything this early. It's only been 5 months since that night.

If I were to be tested right now and the results proved that I'm HIV-positive, I will accept it. I was educated enough. I knew the risks that I took, and it was my choice to have done that unprotected. If my death were to be caused by AIDS, so be it. I'm strong enough to handle it. I think.

But how am I going to explain it to those I had sex with since?

The small probability that I might have it scares me enough. But I'm scared more for those who I might have infected... They're probably going to kill me if I am sick.

To be safe, I'll have myself tested next month. Before Valentine's to be safer.

***

But despite this unsolved uncertainty, I'm still not in a panic... as long as I don't uselessly dwell on it often.

:(

I'm Speaking Up

It was around this same time last year when I was being beaten up on the streets of KNL. Things just happened really fast (like how I lost my fone) that you might think I felt the same helplessness, the same failure to grasp the situation at that fateful moment... (To be continued below)

Preface

It will probably go against me if I admit to my readers that sometimes I go into this what I call "blogging highs" - times when I really feel the need to log in and blog here in Friendster. I've been running this blog for 15 months now and I'm glad that Dusk at Red Island is still running well!

How can I have said that? What proof do I have? Well, it's with the number of regular readers that I have plus the comments that they post occasionally. Not all of my readers post comments though (ehem Doreen), but still I'm glad to announce that as of this moment, I have 27 more comments than entries (excluding my own comments of course). Yipee!

Maintaining a blog isn't that easy. The greatest difficulty is keeping your readers interested. You have to make sure that whenever you post something new, somebody will read it and if it is a good entry, will be affected by it and will post a comment (or two). Or will make them think at the least.

One of the common complaints I get from my readers is that my entries are too long. That actually makes me feel bad because it means that they're really not interested enough in what I'm talking about, or perhaps I don't write that well to keep them glued to their monitors. Hmph! One of my students even said that he doesn't read my blogs because they're written in English! I cannot help if most of the time I feel that I can express more in English rather than in Filipino. It's not like I force myself to write in English ya know...

***

The Main Entry

I'm quite fond of starting my entries with describing my surroundings like "It was a cold December night..." or "Dilaw ang ilaw sa paligid..." so expect that I won't do differently with this so-called MAGNANIMOUS entry. Too optimistic, it actually depends on who reads this. If they know enough... My students will probably be clueless. Most of them at least.

Imagine putting yourself in my position. You were walking on the streets of KNL with a friend, enjoying the cool night when suddenly you become aware for a few milliseconds that someone was approaching you very fast on your left side. You cannot see very clearly because that someone is seen only from your peripheral vision. Just as you were about to turn your head to really look at who (or what) it could be (remember, things were happening very fast), a blow lands on your side, together with a muttered oath "&%@#*&%@! Bryan!" (Pause)

Some of you, especially those who are aware or have some idea of what transpired that night are probably questioning at this point what good it will do me to divulge what was sworn not to. I'm not actually going to tell you everything which happened then. I just want to let out all my thoughts on what has happened which were suppressed by the need of avoiding more bloodshed and misunderstandings especially in the faculty room.

Circumstances are different now so I judged that it's already safe, and that it's about time I spoke up and defended my side of the story.

Truth: I (or better put, we) started this cold war between the two batches which thankfully is slowly coming to an end. Before, I had some small grudges for the other party though because I could not understand why they had to be cold to some of my batchmates who were not even involved in what happened. It turned out to be a sorta "batch war", but it's over now at least. And I think what they did was not deliberately done but was simply a result of friendship to who was harmed, if not a very open-minded one.

Truth: I was tossed about like an empty sack while the beating was going on. Believe it or not, I am not a very bad person, and at that time, I was actually preparing myself what to do in case such things happen, and when it did happen that night last year I did what I thought I should do - do not fight back. He had every right to beat the shit out of me and I, on the other hand, do not have a reason to harm him because I knew then, that I was in the wrong. I deserved every blow that I got that night and I have no hard feelings whatsoever to him that night.

If he thinks that I was helpless against him that night (as he has every right to brag about), so be it. You can ask her to confirm that my plan of not fighting back was borne out of good intentions and not lack of courage if you have doubts whether I'm telling the truth about myself.

Unfortunately, my target readers will not be able to read this anyway since they're not my friends here in Friendster and I think they don't want to consider me their friend anymore. I understand that what I did might have been unforgivable but they already forgave her! He even forgave her (but actually, I'm not looking forward to resuming my friendship with him which wasn't really much to tell the truth).

To be fair, I'm not really extending a hand of apology to their party anyway (like what she did). And what we have done now (between me and the other party) is probably the best that could be managed at present. I do miss their friendship every now and then, but I also know that losing that is part of the decision I've made two years ago. I took what I wanted, and I paid for it. I just want them to remember that what had happened was our decision (split evenly), and my involvement in the affair is as deep as hers was, not a shred more.

To those who are still giving me cold shoulders, I want you to rethink. Of course, we'll all side up with our friend who was hurt but there's a certain limit to that don't you think? Especially if you're not really directly involved anyway. Don't you think you might just well be a tad overly reacting? Anyway, it's not like I'm begging them to forgive me. If they don't want me back, it's fine.

If you're wondering about how I feel for him now, my answer would be that I look up to him for handling things as best as he could. There might have been some overlapping of roles or some slights in professionalism but I guess that couldn't be helped.

Laying the blame on other people (or to a specific person) will probably not help since everything is over and done with now. Still, are you aware that everything could have ended way better, and less painful for me if one meddlesome person (not involved) didn't put her hands on things and tried to make things as straight as she thought they should be?

All is over and done with. I forgive everyone. Strong people like us can survive despite outside intervention. Happy new year!

Sorry

Hidden looks
And hidden smiles
Hide your feelings
All the while

Unbidden fancies
Unwelcome dreams
But they aren't always
What they seem

Make believe
I am not aware
But I'm warning you
Because I do care

So go ahead
Don't dwell on this
You cannot do more
I'm already his

Flirt to the left
I'll flirt to the right
Nothing more 'cause
My heart's caught tight

Music Update: Plans for the Upcoming Album "Light" Revealed

We had a lot of free time left in yesterday's Chem 16 class and I decided to use the extra time to get to know my students better. Everyone told something about themselves the rest of us didn't know. Some told shocking revelations. Some told their eccentricities and their psychotic tendencies. I had a lot of fun listening to what my students wanted to share about themselves.

Then it was my turn to say something. Probably because I had difficulty choosing which to reveal and which to hide, I wasn't able to tell them something straightaway so they had to lead me with questions. In the end, I decided that I could trust my class so I confessed about my sexuality and the issues which come with it.

It was a big step for my personal growth, I think. And it will make my students closer to me. Maybe it will encourage them to do better in the subject if they know that their teacher trusts them and is willing to be their friend. Maybe not. The die is cast, whatever the consequences.

And that leads me to the new album I will be releasing before the sem ends this March. I haven't really prepared for it yet. So far, I only have about less than ten possible songs I can include for the album in my head and I have to finalize it by February! Last year's album, "Time Of My Life" was 70 or 80 percent complete at this same time last year. Will I be able to give a good enough album to give to my students this sem?

What makes it harder for me to choose songs for my new compilation  is that I have already included suitable songs for D's album "On the Horizon" which was already released last October. I wanted to give my students new songs for their own album but my stock of good and happy songs have almost been exhausted by my previous effort. I need to do some more research, exert more effort to come up with a good enough album this March.

The working title for my next album is "Light" which I coined from Robert Jordan's upcoming book, "A Memory of Light". I even had a working cover saved in my fone but (sobs) it's gone now... So...

"Light" will focus more on the theme of redemption, in contrast to the dark and dreary album which was "Break" released early October last year. My concept for the album is that it will start with a sort of "breaking out" (similar to "Break"'s "End of Me" and "Somewhere I Belong") but delivered in a lighter yet still angsty side. It will continue breezing through happily in love songs, some not that happy, with ala-Britney's "Stronger"-like songs (but that song will definitely not be included) dispersed evenly throughout to add variation, and will close with a song I've already disclosed in my current Chem 28.1 class.

Perhaps with the loss of my fone (it always comes down to this isn’t it?) I'll be able to spend more time to look up new songs for my new album. And I might as well start now.

Changes

NOTE TO THE READER: Because of the suggestive and informal nature of Cookie's new nickname (Yummy), I decided to change yet again what I will call him in my future entries. I noticed that using "Yummy" in some of my more serious entries (e.g. in "A Reason for Religion") destroys the effect of the mood I wanted to convey to the reader. From now on, Cookie will be known simply as "D".

***

It seems like my New Year's Resolution has been made for me with the recent and still bitter loss of my fone. My hours have become more empty and a whole lot less exciting. At times, I still unconsciously feel my right pocket to check the rectangular bulge that isn't there anymore. I still pause every now and then while listening to music, thinking that my groovy message alert tone has rung but was masked by Gwen Stefani or Nelly Furtado's song.

My fone has been a part of my life for six months, and a lot of things I've done before wouldn't have been possible without it. It's loss goes beyond the loss of material things and it's like losing someone real, someone alive. It has been my inanimate bestfriend. It was there when I was at my lowest and  my highest. It was there when I was lonely and when I felt loved. It has been my connection to my family, my friends, to D. My fone means (or meant) a lot to me.

I know I'm going to survive, and I don't think I would cry for losing my fone, but I also know that I'm going to face lonelier nights from now on. My fone was the reason why I got through those days when I was missing D very much. Even if our time together was limited, communicating through my fone made me feel that he was less distant. Made me feel his presence. Through my fone, I made him feel that I was right there beside him. What am I going to do now that it's gone?

A useless waste of words you might think. I can easily buy a new fone, and it isn't like I will not be able to communicate with him through other means. I know all that, and the loss of my fone isn't really that bad as I make it appear. I just wanted to emphasize the fact that humans (me included) do feel attachment for objects not only because of their value or of their function, but also because of the memories we've attached to it that slowly fades away too with the object's loss.

Ang Krimen

Three hours ago...

Haay ang init naman. Bakit kanina nung lumabas ako ng bahay malamig naman? January night naman ha. Dapat yata hindi ko na sinuot yung bago kong jacket. Kaso hindi na din kasya sa bag ko eh, so why not isuot na lang? Kesa naman hubarin ko pa dito sa kalye.

Kung huhubarin ko, hassle pa 'no. Una, aalisin ko yung bago kong shoulder bag (yung regalo ni Yummy) tapos hahawakan ko muna, tapos aalisin ko yung backpack ko pa. Baka manakawan pa ko ng celfone dahil magmukha akong easy prey 'no. No way 'tol. Tiis na lang sa init. Besides, ayos naman yung jacket mo di ba?

Bakit ba kasi ang tagal ng bus? At bakit ba kasi ang daming tao ngayon e gabi na? Anong oras na kaya? Wait... Hindi ko suot ang relo ko. Sa fone ko titingnan? Ngye, ano ako, hilo? Dami kaya magnanakaw dito. Never ko nilalabas ang fone ko in this area. Baclaran kaya ito. Notorious.

Ah Wednesday night kasi. Madami ang nagsimba. Naku baka ma-karma ako ngayon. May pagka-antichurch pa naman yung latest blog ko.

Asan na ba yang lintek na Fairview bus na iyan at nang makauwi na ako. Kailangan ko na i-text bf ko. Naghihintay na yun sa kin. Pagdating ko sa KNL, magpapa-load agad ako. Tapos internet. Tagal ko nang hindi nagblo-blog eh.

Sakyan ko na kaya itong Fairview bus na 'to? Kaso Ayala kasi ang daan eh. Malayo pa yung iikutan. Mas mahal pa. Taxi na lang kaya?

Pasukan na ulit! Excited na ko sa school bukas! Gising ako maaga para pumasok sa school (that is, kung makakatulog ako tonight). Aayusin ko muna nang kaunti ang table ko, baka inalikabok na. Maghahanda nang kaunti for the lesson... kuno. Actually gusto ko lang pumasok nang maaga kasi maguupload ako ng pictures para sa Friendster. Hehe. Nasa PC kasi sa faculty yung program sa pag-transfer ng files ng fone ko.

May magaganda pa naman akong pics na nakuha kagabi. Niligpit na kasi yung Christmas lights kaya pinaglaruan ko muna. Ang astig nung effect nung lights. As in! Sigurado kapag naipost ko ang mga ito sa Friendster ang ganda. Marami na naman magvieview sa profile ko. I'm so excited na talaga. Dapat mai-upload ko na ang mga pics na yun asap...

LIntek ang tagal talaga ng bus. Pinapawisan na ko. Ang usok pa. Makapunta nga dito sa gilid baka

ILABAS MO ANG CELFONE MO DALI!

Shet shet shet shet shet. Whaat ano ito? Bakit may nararamdaman akong matulis sa likod ko?

HUWAG KANG PAPALAG KUNDI TUTULUYAN KITA!

Ang bilis talaga ng mga pangyayari pero ang weird ha. Ninanakawan na ako pero composed pa din ako. Asus. Halata naman na hindi sanay yung mga thieves na ito. Dalawa sila. Isa sa likod ko, isa sa harap. Ang friendly nga nung nasa likod ko dahil naka-hug pa siya sa akin. Ang tight pa ng hug, may hawak nga lang na kutsilyo. Yung nasa harap ko, nasa mga pockets ko naman yung mga kamay. Sa totoo lang kung hindi lang ako medyo shocked at that time, iba siguro ang maiisip ko.

O HETO ANG PERA KO. WAIT LANG.

Ang shiny nung kutsilyo na nasa harapan ko. Mga 5 inches siguro. Tinutok nga nya sa akin yun for a while sa ribs area. Matulis nga. Pero ewan ko ba kung bakit hindi ako natakot. Resigned na kasi ako at that time eh. Resigned na isuko ang fone ko.Or ang buhay ko. Or wala lang talaga akong pakialam.

Naku nakuha na nga yung fone ko. Nasa bulsa na niya. Napa-smile pa yung nasa harap ko. Hindi naman siya cute. Nagbigay ako ng bill mula sa bulsa ko. Hindi ko na nakita kung ano.

ASAN NA YUNG IBA?

ID KO NA YUN 'NO.

Aba nakuha ko pang ngumiti. Ang worry ko talaga ay makuha nila pati yung ATM card ko. Buti na lang umalis na sila. Na-satisfy na agad dun sa aking fone.

Natulala ako for a while dun sa kalye. Naglayuan ang mga tao sa akin, na-realize ko.

O, MAGLAKAD KA NA PAPUNTA DUN MAG-ISA.

HA?

Ay nasa harapan ko pa pala yung isang magnanakaw na mukhang goon. Maglakad daw ako dun papalayo. E di sige, maglakad. Wala na akong fone. Ulit. Pangatlong beses na ito!!!!!!!!!!

First reaction: Seek help. Magreport sa police. Punta agad ako dun sa MMDA churva. Walang tao. Hay hayaan na nga. Uwi na ko.

Saan ako uuwi? Babalik ba ko sa Las PInas? HIndi na no. Tuloy na ko sa KNL. May pera pa naman ako. Nakita ko from my pockets na bente lang pala yung naibigay ko na bill. Hahahaha. Samantalang yung natira sa pocket ko ay mga 100 bills na lahat. Maswerte pa din ako.

Second reaction: Frustration. Why oh why? And other shitty thoughts habang para akong lost sa Baclaran na ayoko nang balikan pa.

Third reaction: Anger. Hay pakshet talaga! Nampucha! Parang gusto kong mang-away nun eh. Kailangang mailabas ko ang galit na ito or else!!!

Fourth reaction: Pag-eemote. Bakit ganito ang life? Kung kailan akala mo kumpleto na, saka mawawalan ka. Hindi ka hinahayaang maging masaya for long. The Wheel turns at nasa ilalim ka na naman.

Last reaction: Resignation. Ganun talaga. BIbili na lang ako ng bago. Nakakahinayang dahil andun yung mga pics. Yung mga messages ni Yummy na nai-save ko. 9thou din yun no. Pero at least hindi ako nasaktan. Bente lang ang nakuha sa aking pera. At hindi kinuha pati ang mga gamit ko. Buti walang nakuhang mga important documents na hassle pa para mapalitan. Maswerte pa din talaga ako, kung iisipin. Kung ipagpipilitan...

Pero pakshet pa din 'no! Paano ko matetext baby ko ngayon?! Putang-ina!!!!! Isa pa, mas malutong na PUTANG-INA!!!!!!!