The Colour of the Wheat Fields

It was then that the fox appeared.
"Good morning," said the fox.
"Good morning," the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.
"I am right here," the voice said, "under the apple tree."
"Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at."
"I am a fox," the fox said.
"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince. "I am so unhappy."
"I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed."
"Ah! Please excuse me," said the little prince.
But after some thought, he added:
"What does that mean -- 'tame'?"
"You do not live here," said the fox. "What is it that you are looking for?"
"I am looking for men," said the little prince. "What does that mean -- 'tame'?"
"Men," said the fox. "They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"
"No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean -- 'tame'?"
"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."
"'To establish ties'?"
"Just that," said the fox. "To me you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world...
"My life is very monotonous," he said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the colour of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat..."
The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.
"Please--tame me!" he said.
"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."
"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy all things ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me..."
"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.
"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me - like that - in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of msunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."

So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near --
"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."
"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you..."
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.
"Yes, that is so," said the fox.
"Then it has done you no good at all!"
"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the colour of the wheat fields."

From "The Little Prince"
by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Another Day

Today I woke just in time. It was 7am when I opened my eyes, put on my shirt, and jumped off Boi's bed.

I was early pa nga. I went first to the eating room since the seminar room was still closed. What did I learn today? In the morning, the Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs, Dr. Betsy Enriquez, showed us some information about the UP student -  how we (I'm still a student) are distributed per college, the gender distribution per college,  shifitng reasons, teacher complaints, STFAP distribution, disciplinary cases, dormitory data, etc. Do you know that the there are more female students in UP than males? The ratio is roughly 2:1. That is probably why the girls are so flirtatious, they have competition! The College of Engineering has the highest number of students, followed by CSSP, CAL, Educ, and CS. All colleges have a higher number of female students except for Engg, CHK, and another one which I forgot. Some are largely dominated by females (AIT, Educ, and CHE). By the way, did you know that having weight problems is one of the reasons for poor academic performance of some students? There was even one who said that his/her reason for shifting to other courses was - "lover, not the friendly type".

Then, the topic turned to student cheating - what to do in such cases. It was a really complicated topic and there was really no strict procedure to follow.

After that, we talked about the importance of the syllabus. How to make a proper one, and how it contributes to effective teaching. It was a really good thing to discuss. Unfortunately, I cannot just revise the Chem16 syllabus (which needs some revision). I have to raise the topic in a meeting, inform the heads, we have to talk and discuss, etc etc. At least, I am the lab coordinator so I have a little right to talk about these.

After lunch, we talked about objectives. As students, we usually dismiss the objectives in the syllabus. Probabaly because it is a bit boring to read and understand. It just was because it wasn't written properly. The objectives should have been the center of the course since it dictates what the students should learn and how they would do that. We were also taught not to use vague words like "to learn.." or "to do.." in writing objectives. We should use more active and specific words such as "to somersault.." or "to integrate.."

Anyway, I am becoming more and more like a typical teacher each day I attend the seminar. But one thing I promise you is that I will not change my style. I will always strive for magic, difference, coolness, and outrageousness. Of course, there is still the usual honor, professionalism, and all that educational jargon.

I was thinking whether I will still be like this, lets say, 5 years from now. I will be 25 by then.. I'd say I will still be the same. But how about after 10 years? Most probably, I will not be handling labs by then.. As you grow old, you lose the fun? No. I will find other ways to make my classes uniquely satisfying. Ako pa?

Haay I really cannot wait until this sem starts! Then , I will be too engrossed in my classes I would probably forget about this Blog. So now when I still have the time, I will get the most out of this. Too bad for you.. What will you be reading then?

Last night was not one of those nights (thank goodness) so I woke up refreshed and worry-free. No heartaches worth writing about today. Well, that's something new for you..

Moneyaches naman. SIgh. Ang tagal ng sweldo. Shit kailangan ko na mag-ipon.. How will I be able to buy a new fone? And my birthday is approaching.. less than 30 days to go. I would probably just be eating adobong sitaw or monggo on my birthday. Sigh. Dami kcng gastos. Im always at SM (at least 4 times a week). Grabe talaga.

I need to go now. I need to withdraw some money or else I won't be having any dinner tonight. I should have just gone straight home instead of spending my money here.. Haha. Nah.. no amount of money can replace the satisfaction (and release) I get when I Blog.. Except perhaps a million bucks? :)

My Day

I woke up late. I was supposed to be on time for this teaching effectiveness seminar. It should start at 8am and I woke up at 8:40! I did indeed set my borrowed fone to alarm at 7am, but no, my unconscious mind got the better of me. I somehow turned it off. Well, that always happens anyway.

I had a valid reason for waking late. It's not just out of plain tardiness. It was because I slept late.. It may have been already 4am when sleep closed in on me. I slept late for many reasons. First, I was reading. Second, I was listening to music. Third, I do not know if it was just my imagination but I think the double bed was rocking. I did not feel anything at all. Or did I? I am not going to tell you. Or maybe it was just me. The music I was listening to was not sleepy music.. some tracks were upbeat too. So my foot swings in time with the beat occasionally. Maybe it was just I.. Right, who am I kidding?

There, last night was.. another one of those nights. I really felt the need to go away from that cursed boarding house asap and.. BLOG. Yeah, I had no other outlet. There was no one I can talk to. No other way to divert my thoughts. I did lit up some sticks up at the rooftop. I thought in there.. and when I was about to light my last one, it.. fell. What luck! Well, that pissed me off a bit, (I know I can just easily buy another one, but still..) so off I went to an internet cafe. However, I was not able to post something worthy because I hated that place! It just wasn't conducive for writing.

Anyway, I was the only one left in the boarding house when I woke this morning (thank goodness.. I avoided some very awkward encounters!). I was as fast as lightning and arrived at the DILC past ten. It was a nice building, a new one. I was given a nametag by the guard, and she gave me an envelope containing things necessary for the seminar. They were already starting. There were a lot of teachers from Chem present, not just the new instructors - Dr. Amor and Dr. Quirit were there too. I was given a seat just beside the door of the room. They were talking about the qualities of a good and bad instructor. The presiding teacher showed these characteristics on a projector. I looked and I smiled because I have all the characteristics of a good instructor. Hehehe. Well, I do. There even was "a comedian in the class", and "sharing your life stories" in there. Until then, i was not sure whether telling jokes or my life stories were good or bad for an instructor. Wow.. I am simply the best. Hahaha. I was a good instructor without trying to be one. Of course, I haven't read a manual on how to be a good instructor, and older instructors did not tell us which was a good or bad thing to do in class. I was just me, and I was just GREAT. I was perfect.

Then, we had this discussion about mentoring. Being a mentor. If you do not know what a mentor is, here is a quote from our handouts: "Whomever we consider our mentor, that person did not just teach us how to read book, write paragraphs or solve math problems - he or she empowered us to deal with life." I would love to be my students' mentor. To have that position, to help them grow. It is one of the wonders why teaching is such a noble job. You are helping your students build their tomorrow. And when they do succeed in the end, you are prouder of them than they are of themselves.

In the afternoon, we watched a movie, "The Emperor's Club". Watch it. It was a good movie. About a teacher and his students. It touched me, (Shut up! I dont easily cry on movies you know) and I almost cried. Well, you see, i am just too passionate about my job. After watching it, there was a discussion. We were talking about how we should sometimes talk to students who we feel should be able to perform better in our classes. We should know why. Then, this teacher raised his hand and said that we cannot simply go inquire about each of our students lives since we had other things to do. He said that the salary isnt that big so we really have to make both ends meet. Where will we find the time to worry about these students? I found his view quite wrong and I raised my hand. I said that dedication to our job is quite a big factor in assessing these problems. I said that if you are really concerned about your students, you do not have to voluntarily spend time with each student. I said that when you sense something wrong about your student, you just do something about it. It just comes naturally! Simple dedication to your job, that's all there is! That is the key to effective teaching!

I went back to IC and guess who I saw as I was on my way out? The indescribable couple! I rode the Ikot and saw them going off another way. What happened? You know, I just felt the usual shit. Nothing new. I mean, I practically live with them, so what would seeing them just together, on their way somewhere, bring? The same usual serving of shit. I might have another serving tonight when I get back at the haunted house, I am not sure yet. So what happened was that I couldn't possibly go straight home in that condition. I detoured to SM to watch a movie. And my plan was to watch it until I rot. I looked at the list, and didn't like anything. "Into the Blue" was still showing. My options were Doom, Lava Girl, Dungeons, Dubai, and Lord of War. I was walking to and fro and I felt that I came to the mall to watch a movie anyway, so I should just choose and endure it. In the end, it was "Doom" that I watched.  As I thought, it came from a video game. The title was not appropriate to the story. I did not like it, but it took my mind off the shit for a while. As usual, watching alone opens a new set of options..

Anyway, after watching I went to Philcoa, and here I am, typing this Blog entry. I should really think about how much money I am spending just to post something in here. You may have noticed that I almost post one entry per day. Career 'no? It is because I have no other outlet. I have lost them. So I am left with technology as my helping hand. It doesn't give me anything back, it just provides me with something where I can vent off this steaming shit inside me. When things are more stable with me, I wouldn't post as often.

There, that was my day. What did you gain by reading this? Nothing really. Just an insight into my life. Anyway, I do not post blog entries for you. I post for me. When I want to write, I just write. And I write here because it is more convenient.

Lightning-Shaped Scar

I am in doubt whether I should still post my journal entries in here
They are all so full of sorrow that I dont think it will be very enjoyable to read
And besides only a select few will know what I am so sorrowful about
I am so tired.. of being like this
Why do I have to keep these things secret?
Why do I go on writing these things in here and yet not fully give it away - i should always leave some things in vagueness
I hint yet I dont always support my hints
I long for the time when I do not have to be this secretive
when I can be just ME
because there are so many things I would have liked to discuss in here if not for this "hiding"
Why do I always have to cope with you?
Why dont you try coping with me?
Fitting in in your world, try fitting in mine!

I long for the time when I do not have to look down on myself
havent I thought myself great?
that is still true
Great in comparison with other people
with my personal standards though, I am not up to scratch
But why should I base my standards on you?
Just because it has always been that way?
No..
Because that is the way it should be..

Now I am sad again
But a different sadness
Internal, and not triggered by other people
I am robbed
Of things I have a right to
Of things which make life really matter
Why does it have to be harder for me?
Why dont you have it?
Why dont you try it for a day, and see how frustrating things could be?
Why does it rob me of happiness I deserve?
Why does it have to be this way?
You, having fun, lying back - just enjoying life
Me, having fun, lying back - trying to enjoy this life I was meant to endure than to live
Why does it have to be harder for me?
Why do i have to carry this all my life?
I just want to have fun just like you, you know
I just want to enjoy living
I dont want to be in this state
I just want to be like you
And I cant
Thats what makes it worse
I cant!

Resurgam

Last night, I was on the brink again. I was so sad, that after some time I already felt numb. That is, it did not matter whether I was happy or sad. I just did not want to feel anything, and I can't.

But then, towards midnight, something came into me. A weird feeling. Like i have just awakened. (Look, I know all this sounds made up and cheesy, but it did happen you know!). You know who saved me? It's Gwen Stefani! Yeah! Funny?

I was listening to her album, and her songs were just too upbeat and crazy that you can't help but move with the music and skip a step and dance. Hehe. I am really glad I bought that album. Even if some of you might say that she sucks. I don't care. If I have bought another album, could it have cheered me up as well as she did last night? I played other songs in my collection too, and they are all helping me out of the blue I am in. There is always a song to suit the mood you are in.

Then, I read my students' messages on the board I had them write on during our last meeting. As I was reading all the thank you's and the good luck's and the smiles, it suddenly dawned on me that there was no reason for me to be sad at all. I mean, how many people get to be appreciated for doing what they like? Not even all Chem instructors get the thanks I received. I have such a wonderful life, and I cannot go on wasting it in isolation and dreariness. I had a wonderful sem, not a dreadful one, and it was one of the best (if not the best) period of my life.

I learned so much. So much from my falls. Learned so much from winning. It is true that "you win some, you lose some". If I compare what I have gained from what I have lost, the latter is really negligible. How many friends have I made? How many hearts have I touched? How many smiles and laughs have I put on my students' weary faces? How many memories have I instilled? How many Chem topics have I helped them learn? How many lives have I changed? (How many pesos have I earned? Hmmm.. very little...)

I have really done so many wonderful things in just a few months, I should be jumping like mad. Will you be able to do the things I have done? No! Everything was because of me! I had been wonderful! I had been GREAT! I am so happy that I am like this. I am so happy that I am not ordinary and square. I am so happy that I am not scared of dares and risks. I am not mediocre. I am GREAT! And I feel GREAT!

Hahaha. I hope I feel like this all the time. The truth is I really don't think I have completely moved on. Some things just need some time for you to get used to.. But I am sure that time will come soon. I am so GREAT (should be in all caps, hehe) that I am sure something GREAT is bound to happen to me sooner or later.

Sigh, I had been a fool.. Have you read my previous posts? Full of tears and bitterness. I am not ashamed of that. If I knew, you might have been in a more depressing state that I was, given the same circumstances.. It just goes to show that GREAT people like me have their falls too. Have their foolish moments too. But what makes them (me) really GREAT is that they don't give up that easily. When they fall, they rise again! Higher than ever! Better than ever! Stronger than ever! An even GREATER person than before!!

I really love my life. (Haven't I just said in my profile that my life is pathetic?) Hehehe. No matter how many emotional problems I am going through.. I still am ME and not everything about ME is bad and empty. I am just GREAT and you cannot deny that! Here I am, catch me! Not because I am falling but because I am jumping at you! Hahaha! I am BACK! I have risen AGAIN! I am GREAT!

Note to the Blogger from Friendster: The number of exclamation marks you have used for this Blog entry has exceeded the normal amount. Please control your emotions more carefully the next time you post an entry. Thank you.

Cough It All Out

I have lost so much this month. October.. Maybe that is why this month was almost falling off my made-up Harry Potter calendar. I keep pasting it back but it keeps falling off.. So much has changed. Somehow, I want to turn back time.. Wake me up when September ends because here comes October to give me a good beating..

I have never been happy since the Eleventh.. Why do I have to lose so much in such a short time? You realize I'm rambling, do you? Well, it is because I am just so sad that I can hardly organize my thoughts.

I miss my class most. I know.. Maybe it isn't normal for a teacher to be so attached. It is my fault.. I always look at their photo album everyday. And it makes me miss them more. I like to see how happy they were together. All smiles. Especially the last picture where they all jumped. I like that most.. There were three excess pages in there. I will be using those. I have already placed in there the receipt from the videoke and the skating rink. I've also placed the list of questions I made - the quiz I gave them.

One thing that makes me sad is that not everybody showed up on the Eleventh. It.. makes me.. uneasy. I have not said a proper goodbye to those who did not come. Too bad they do not realize how much they matter to me. Too bad I may not be able to see them again.. Too bad. I am just so sad.

Another loss is my fone. I am missing it so much because I have saved in there the most memorable text messages I have received. Memories lost.. Well, it was my fault I lost it. I was so engrossed, thinking about <never mind> that I did not notice where my fone has gone to. I guess it fell off my pockets.. It was a premonition, though. The date was October 4. 

I lost my ring too. Not lost, really.. gave it away. Yeah, there were times when I wish it back. The few days after October 4, I keep noticing its absence on my middle finger. But now, I do not notice anymore. There were times, especially on lonely nights, when I wanted to ask for it back. It was a good thing I did not give in. This is the best.. for her. I was about to type "for the both of us", but it isn't for me. Hell, I was just too hurt about losing <never mind> that I hardly thought about why I will be giving the ring back. The next thing I knew, everyone was drunk, releasing their sorrows.. except me. Getting drunk and not being able to let it all out. Because no one will understand. Everyone's attention was on the ring. Not on me. Not on me! Well , it was because the ring needs them more. Yeah take care of the ring, you do not know that I was hurt too, for a stupid reason, and that makes it hurt more! YOU do not know about me and my <fone>, and the times we had together! YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH THAT MATTERS! YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH I HURT TOO! ALL YOU KNOW IS THAT I WAS IN THE WRONG AGAIN!

Fool.. Here I am again. Why am I so passionate? I have given all in that night. Gathered up all my inner strength just to be able to know the outcome. I thought about it. I thought about my chances, I thought I have prepared myself. But I was wrong. I am still into the blue. I am not thinking about <never mind> anymore.. I am just feeling sad. Maybe it has something to do with me.. just being me. this person who you thought you knew. Sometimes, it just gets too.. hard.. to bear. Please help me..

I have lost count on how many times I have looked at my borrowed fone today. Just to check if I have messages.. None. No one remembers me anymore. No one has to say anything to me. I am not used to this disconnection. I just keep on telling myself that <you know who> is probably just helping me forget. And that, perhaps, is the best thing to do. But I am just too passionate. And I keep making a fool of myself.

I did not choose to feel this, though. Why did it have to happen to <never mind>? Why not to other people? Why do I have to have all this shitty feeling inside? I want to let it go. I want to.

Maybe it's time I return to the place where all my sorrows started.. Im coming back up to the rooftop. And perhaps jump. Hehe.. no. Im just going to smoke it all out. And cough <never mind> out of my system.

The Island Journals - Prologue: Back

Wish and wish and wish. Just wish for something you cannot have. Just jump and roll on the sand. You're back on your island. Welcome back. It is smiling at you. A fiendish smile. Like saying that you can never run from it. You are an island. You have accepted that before. Trying to run away from me, are you? Hahaha. You cannot fool yourself forever young man. You and I are one. You made yourself believe that you were out of me, are you? So what are you doing here? Want more crying. Go on. Cry. Cry here. You have nowhere else to go, Bryan. But here with me. Come on, go lie on the sand. Rush to the waves. Let them hit you dumb again. Let them. You can still feel, can you? Why are you such a puzzle? Can't you see? That's the way your life leads. You will be hurt, why are you so stupid that you cannot accept that? Why? Why are you so dumb? Just wake up from your miseries. Masochistic. Throwing yourself at cliffs. Fooling yourself. Stop living in your fantasy world, Harry Potter! Go on, hit your head on the trunk of this tree. Yes. More. Harder. It bleeds doesn't it? It hurts and it feels good. You like to hurt yourself don't you? You want to die, huh? No? Because you cannot feel any more pain? Stupid boy.

So what are you doing here then? Saying goodbye to me? To your fate? Throwing reality aside. Blinding yourself with impossibilities. Don't you understand? Can't you think? For God's sake, use your brain! You're always using your heart. So, yeah, you've realized your mistake? So why are you crying so bitterly? So painfully? You've made a fool of yourself in front of other people. In front of the one you want. You have no more face to show. Now, you're getting angry. Why? Because you are tired of being yourself. Yes, it's hard isn't it? Damned. Cursed. Marked. trying to fit in to the world of people when you cannot. Incapable of fitting in. Why don't you just stop trying to connect to people. Be a hermit. Isolate yourself. You'll only be getting more pain. More tears. Frustrations. Wishes. Why can't you learn to love yourself? Accept who you are.

Fuck me, huh? Hate me? Why? I am just telling the truth. Now do not go on crying here at the internet cafe. Do not bash on the keyboards. Don't smash this monitor. These are not yours. You do not have anyone, do you? Alone. Forever. Asking why others cannot understand. Asking how you can make them understand. Understand how you are in pain right now. I thought you were moving on? Fluff and nonsense. Might be true at that moment. But look at you now. Telling me you are just sad.. There has to be a reason, Bryan. There has to be a reason why you are yourself. Why you are such a.. Enough.

Look at the stars.. They are there. They hurt too when you are hurt. Especially when it is you who is hurting yourself. Try to find a different meaning in your life.. I am not telling you that you will succeed, just try. Try, Bry. Smile. Your home is still the beautiful island it has always been. I am here. I welcome you home, back to me. Cry here, on my shoulder. Yes. Let out all your grief. I am sorry I made you that way. Not everyone can handle that. You are special. One of my special children. Now you have gone away for too long. Come back to me, Bryan. Come back here. I will comfort you. I will help you in that. You have nowhere else to go to. No one will understand you completely except me. Come here, Bryan. Come back home to me, my son. Let it go. Let it go and cry on my shoulder. I understand. I will listen. Even if you cannot always hear my reply.. I am here. I have always been.

I Will Never Forget the Eleventh

I woke up at 9am (I think), and I listened to the CD I made. I called it "Eleven". Because it has only 11 tracks and it was October 11 and because... (figure this last one out). Well, I was having another bout of the blues.. So I decided that I would be using it for a better and more useful purpose. I got up out of bed. And ironed the shirt I had made. It says "CHEM16 TFW2QR2 Ist Sem 05-06" in front and "Excelsior!" at the back. The back message was written in Old English (ala Gwen Stefani), while the front was in a simpler pa-cute font. I ironed it, following the instructions carefully (it was air-sprayed, so it has to be done in quite a different manner) then I ironed my jeans. All done while listening to "Eleven".

Then, i took a bath. There was no timba in the banyo so I had to use the tabo alone. Tin was using the timba, she was doing laundry. I was not feeling very well. I have a slight fever, because the night before, I walked home on a drizzly night without an umbrella. (I'm really not sure about the cause..) Then, I set off for IC. I even forgot the CD so I had to go back. I went straight to PH1201 where LE is proctoring an exam. She told me she won't be able to come with me, but I convinced her otherwise, and we talked about some essential "stuff". I stayed in the office for a while, waiting for the exam to finish. I borrowed her CD player, and I listened once again to "Eleven".

Then, we set off. We took the MRT to go to Megamall and there was a slight embarrassment (courtesy of LE) on our way out of the station. When we arrived at PowerBooks, I wasn't able to see my students straightaway. I even thought they were hiding. There was Adrian, Archar, Marnie, Bianca, and (to my dismay..joke!) Zynka.

We decided to eat lunch at Almon Marina because it was what we first found (just a few steps from PowerBooks) and to try something new. I ordered pasta with salad and sausage. All of us ordered similar meals except for Bianca and Archar (lasagna). We made believe we were in Italy while eating. Midway through our meal, Mama Ren came (with dessert!) from UP (she had her defense). She gave us some cookies they made. Then, my students surprised me by giving me a wonderful photo album (complete with pictures and letters). I glanced at the pictures but did not read the letters yet. I was incoherent for a few moments (because i was touched).

Meal over, off we went to the Ice Skating Rink! Most of us will be skating for the first time (including me). I was a BIT nervous. I put on the skating shoes and found that it was very hard to keep my balance. When I stepped on the rink, I found it was DOUBLY VERY hard not to fall! Anyway, I managed to learn to skate step by step. And I fell more than ten times all in all. We had loads of fun. It was very memorable.. the first time I skated, I was with my favorite students... Anyhow, not everyone (I think) was enjoying. Adrian had many dangerous (and painful) falls. Bianca too.. And Mama Ren.. Almost everyone was hurt at some point. Well, that is life (I thought). It isnt complete without pain.. I liked skating (I can still feel the gliding motion of my legs right now), and I had loads of fun!

Then, we went to the Arcade. We played some games in there. I was with LE most of the time because we were spending (and spent) our tokens on House of the Dead II.

Tired and hungry (it was 4pm) they ate some waffles. I bought some blue cotton candy, and we sat at a table in the food court. There, I gave them a quiz on how well they know me, because I said that I will be giving something personal. Bianca won with 10 points over 15. I gave her the CD and she was really grateful. Little did they know how much that meant to me.. Maybe you will never know, or maybe you already knew, but I was giving away a part of my life in that CD. Don't worry Bianca, I have another copy.. That CD symbolizes so much about things which have happened. Big events in my life - turning points, realizations, outcomes.. Things my class does not know. Or again, maybe you already know.. Please keep it and take care of it... But alas, another surprise. tey gave me another gift. Something wrapped in hand-made wrapper and placed in a hand-made box. I opened it and there was a tie! That was my real first tie. I usually borrow from my dad. Thank you very much! To me, it means something. Something about growth, change, and age. Something about my future..

We skated some more before going up to the 5th floor (using the elevator) to sing! I sang the first song, "Unwell". That fits.. I was.. both physically and emotionally. Mama Ren and Zynka (and LE cge na nga) were videoke queens. Zynka getting madder (and more aggressive) every second. Mama Ren sang "Dreaming Of You", Zynka sang "Weak", Bianca sang Avril's "Why", Archar sang "Out of Reach", Aids sang "Salamat", Marnie sang "Sana'y Wala Nang Wakas", LE sang "Barenaked", and I sang "Paglisan". I was on the point of crying after the first verse, but they made me laugh so it went off. The last song was "Thanks to You" (Was it? Or was the title "Thank You"?). They stood and each sang a part of the song. Of course I cried. I was holding back my tears even when they were singing other songs. I kept on thinking "Will I ever see them again?", and "I wish we could have had more time together" and "Why do we have to let go?" After their song, I wiped away my tears.. I should have let it all out. Now I'm feeling like a dam..

Then we went home (it was almost 9pm). Ive never felt so appreciated yet so sad. I will never forget that day. One by one we went our separate ways.. Bianca and Mama Ren took a bus. Adrian got off at Cubao Station. Marnie was left to find a bus at Quezon Avenue. Archar was left on the van going to Sandiganbayan. Zynka and I had our dinner together at McDonald's Philcoa. I even forgot that it was quite late, and that I wouldn't be able to get my usual dinner if I did not eat right then. Zynka and I rode the tricycle together and we reached her place first. We even said goodbye twice.. I was left alone..

At the boarding house, I opened the photo album. I read the letters. Shit, I wanted to cry! I do not know.. I was just so happy that I was able to touch the lives of these wonderful students and that somehow, I became a part of them.

Sigh.. Will I ever see you all again? I am going to miss teaching all of you! I had a great time teaching you.. I liked being there.. You know what my greates gift for all of you was? It is not the Chem knowledge.. it is not the good times weve had. It is the friendship you have developed with each other. I have made you close friends, and that is something which will last for a long time. Even if it was so short-lived.

We may see each other again, probably. I will still be at UP, and I may roam around the campus occasionally. And there will come a time when we will grow apart.. Yes, that happens.. and we may not have so many words to say to each other. But deep inside, in the sparkle of my eye, there is something which still burns. And that is the memory of the wonderful times we have spent with each other. Something irreplaceable. Memories which I will take with me to my dying day. Exaggerated? Think again. I have made teaching my life. This has been me, and will always be me.

Class, I love you. I miss you. I'm always here.

"Di mo man silip ang langit,
Di mo man silip.. ito'y nandirito pa rin.
Kung ang lahat ay may katapusan,
Itong paglalakbay ay makakarating din sa paroroonan,
At sa iyong paglisan
Ang tanging pabaon ko
Ay pag-ibig"

Wink! Wink!/ Over

As I look back now at all that I have written here, I felt ashamed. Yeah.. But I won't be deleting the disgraceful entries I have made here. Those are still entries, and they just reflect how I was. How hopeless I was. Now I am just laughing at them. Wanna hear? Ha ha ha HA!

Finally, it is really over. It's like puking after getting drunk. You sober up a bit. Hell hell, I was a mess back then.. But I am loads better now! Chock full of new experiences to ready me for what's to come. What else would come? If it's gonna be more exciting than what happened, I am game! (But a bit scared.. what a rollercoaster life I have! Always dizzy and fast..)

What really will happen next? Who will I meet next? What will happen to me next? I'll be entering another name on the list. Name #5! Who will that be? When will you come? How do you look like? Will I like you or will you like me?

Hey, I've just realized that nobody has courted me yet. Or dated me. I always made the first move. High school (and grade school) doesnt count. Will I be the one picked next time? I wonder how that feels? It has been sooo long... since Melanie P. and code name "Lisa" (from high school) and others which I might have forgotten.. I want to be the one to be chased next. Hehe. But I do not know.. Maybe the chase is a part of why I like falling in love. Then, as LE says, once I get what I have been chasing, the attraction goes away.. I don't know.. Is that really me? LE says that I just want to prove something to myself - that I can have this or have that - then I'm happy. I got what I want, so I let it go..

I don't think that is really me. What happened before were just coincidences. They did not last because I lost it, not because I did not really want them.. I am not that bad. Sigh.. my "issue" is probably the real reason. I wonder how it feels to be normal.. i could have been SO HAPPY already!

But there it goes, I am not normal. So what to do? Just go on living. Hehe. Besides, I get more chances on having a date on a saturday night than normal people have. Hehehe. If you know what I mean..

Wink!

Six feet under
Into the blue
Left of the middle
What can I do?

How does it feel?
You didn't lie
Got a bad kick
But boys don't cry

Six feet under
Into the blue
Left of the middle
What can I do?

Time to forget
The shit I've felt
Time to regret
The things I've said

Six feet under
Into the blue
Left of the middle
What can I do?

What can I do?
I was made this way
Thrown to the blues
But I'll be okay

Six feet under
Into the blue
Left of the middle
When I'm with you

In One Word/ The Beginning of the End

As promised, here are the one word descriptions of my classes (according to my very sipsip students)..

• exciting (4)



• masaya (3)



• fabulous (2)



• superb (2)



• magical (2)



• funny



• fun-learning



• enjoy



• unforgettable



• happy



• astounding



• fantastic



• astig



• awesome



• great



• addictive



• inspiring



• indescribable

Well, what can I say? Talagang love ako ng mga students ko. Sana naging student ko ikaw 'no? I know inggit ka, you might have had the class of your life! Hahahaha!

My closest class and I are having a gimik this 11th. I am excited and I have a small surprise for them. Yet it will be the beginning of the end. After that, will we be complete again?

Each will now go their separate ways. They will go to their new classes next semester. Some will still be taking chem classes so I might still see them. Some will not. Some I may never see again (UP is just too big). Well, that's how life is..

What about me? What will happen to me? Well, I will still be in my office. Meeting new students, but will they be the same as my closest class? NO. I am trying to hold on to this class because I dont think I will be able to teach another group of such pasaways, boleros, early birds, noisemakers, whiners, etc etc!

Class, this is the beginning of the end.. Haha. I will not be writing anything here. When I meet you na lang on the 11th. When I meet you for the last time...

The Island Journals: Introduction

Hey guys!

Here, i will show you my journal entries. I started writing these one year ago. I had this idea when the annual committee asked us to submit our writeups. I wrote my own, because I thought no one else knows me better than I do. I wrote my writeup like a short story, filled with symbolisms which reflect how I know myself.

That will be the first chapter of my journal. The journal is over, I wrote my last entry last March or April. Why do I want to put those in here? Aren't those private? Well, yeah, they are private, but I do not mind. These journals show how I have changed - how I learned more about myself. Actually, they are all centered around this one topic which I do not reveal until the middle chapters. So the chapters before that are just full of symbols and hints - somehow buffering and preparing you for the big blow.

What is my ultimate purpose in this? I just want to help others out there who might be encountering the same problems I had before. Maybe my entries will be able to offer some answers. Or at the least they may serve as a diversion (as if my entries are funny).  I know it all sounds cliche but I am not the same as you are. My experiences and problems are unique and may not be applicable to everyone. Keep that in mind.

I will start with the second chapter.

Six Feet Under

Why "Six Feet Under"? It is a Marion Raven song that I like right now. I know, some of you might be sniggering because I like her. Well, I admit, her music is not Class A, but I think her album is still a good pop album. Pop, although it is trying to sound like rock..

What's so special about that? Well it is because I dedicate it to this fucking <toot!> who stole my wits! Shit, why I am I like this? Can't I even write something unrelated to that fucking <toot!>?

Six feet under, under my skin/ there's a battle I know I cant win/ you invade me, and I surrender/ yeah, that's what I hate about you/

Six feet under, under my skin/ that is where your story begins/ you were wanting/ i was forsaken/ yeah hey hey hey/

You came to me with words unspoken/ i cant deny it, that i knew my glass would end up broken/ (thats how you got me)/ i blame myself for being stupid, but i cant help it/ yet im eating right out of your hand/ thats what i hate about you!/

Fucking hell, what is happening to me? Joy told me to move on.. But I cant. Well, no, actually I can. Im just having difficulty accepting the fact that I cant have <toot!> and that I am not happy with all that has happened. Haha. What should I have expected? That <toot!> is like me? And that <toot!> feels the same?

No no. <Toot!> doesnt like me one whit. And <toot!> was disappointed we ended up like this. Shitshitshit.. Loads of shit. What have I done?! I destroyed what we have. Truckloads of shit.. What I would give just to have it all back.. Just so we could be friends again.. Shit <toot!>, I miss you a lot! I miss talking to you <toot!>! Please talk to me again. Forget all that has happened, forget the mess that I made. Please I want it all back. Do not worry, what you said wont happen, wont happen. I will not be forcing you into something you are incapable of. I can still be who you thought I was.

Ive already lost my high school best friend like this. I fell in love with her, and she didnt talk to me for YEARS! I dont want THAT to happen AGAIN! No matter how insignificant this might seem compared to that. <Toot!>, I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE A PERSON I CARE ABOUT JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN NOT RECIPROCATE THE LOVE I AM WILLING TO GIVE!

Whew, why did it turn out to be like this? I did not originally mean this to be a letter to <toot!>. Fuck me.. The love-crazy dumb fool.. Endured so much already yet stricken stupid by <toot!> with <toot!> unaware of what was happening. <Toot!>'s innocence and trust turned awry by what I did.

Ahh here's the bridge line of "Six Feet Under"..

Its not that hard to walk away/ there's gotta be a different meaning.../

There's gotta be a different meaning..

Into the Blue

I have just watched the movie "Into the Blue" again just a few hours ago.

Why did I watch it again? Well, you know, because somebody there reminds me of someone.. Yuck, i am totally not moving on. If LE will read this, she will definitely say something about it.

I know it was wrong. It was not the way to go. But its okay, I think. It is time for me to be in the wrong - in the stupid side. Hehe, I want to laugh at myself. The time will eventually come when all this will be over. But it isnt now. So Im still in this uncomfortable moment when I am in the point of letting go but still being able to touch it with my fingertip. I want to relish this moment when I am obsessed, because after this, how long will it take for the next one to come? How long will it take until someone comes over to steal my heart again? It is nice being in love.. All the thinking, all the imagining, all the happiness because of all your assumptions. I like being in love. Its like the point in your orgasm when you are almost there but still not there yet. Haha. A point where you are still unsure which way you will land.

Yeah yeah, I landed on the wrong side. It fucking hurts but I do not have a right to complain. Actually, with all the pain I have caused other people, I should be ashamed of complaining of heartache.  

Did I like the movie? Well enough.. I would say it was average. At least I did not doze off. As I've said, I watched it again because someone there reminds me of someone. And that someone, I do not think is safe to reveal here. Especially now. When wounds may still be fresh. What did I say "maybe" for? It is my wound I am talking about.

Excelsior!

Hello guys

I dont think anybody will read this anyway, but im going to put loads in here. Especially my journal entries and some other stuff i wrote. It will be fun.. hehe. I wonder what my students will say?

I will be writing in here when I have the time. Right now, I'm still quite busy with my masterals and 28.1 class but I will be finishing soon..

Hold your horses, it has been an eventful year for me. So im gonna tell you all that ive learned so far. If you'll think of it, I have learned (I'm not talking about educational stuff please) more from this year than for some of the other years combined!

Well, I'm not really making any sense, am I? I'm blabbing.