Cookie

I'm too conscious of you reading this I cannot express myself fully and freely. I've erased the lines I've written here five times because I cannot settle on what to write and how to write it. I can't help but be aware that whatever I write in here (since this is about you again) will make you happy.

I've never been this hesitant when I am blogging. I used to rattle the keyboard (especially when I'm really into something angsty) when I'm writing in here. I used to type whatever comes into my head without hesitation, not minding who will get hurt or who will be scandalized about how much I've put in here.

The fact is - I am changing. I am changing too soon for someone I haven't even met yet. We've talked about this and we've agreed on taking it slow and I heartily agreed on that since that is the way to really make it last, but I can't seem to slow down and dwell more on what is real than on what could be. I am aware of everything that might happen to me if things start falling down but I can't help it because this feeling that I have about you (don't worry this isn't love yet) is making me so damn happy.

This fondness for you is changing me for the better. I actually understood a bit about my Chem 250 earlier, because I didn't feel sleepy all throughout the class. I even nodded with Sir when I understood bits of the hieroglyphical equations he is teaching us. And I was able to do that because I thought that it will make you happy if I do better in my MS classes. I even scribbled little hearts (forgive me) and smiley faces on the edges of my notebook because I felt so strangely high.

The gym thing I told you about, and my sudden surge for checking papers I haven't told you about - they are for you. Now, you might be thinking that I am falling way too fast. I am letting you take control over me even if you really are still a stranger to me. I know. I know this will only cause me more pain in the end if things fall down. I keep reminding myself about that, more often with every hour that passes but I won't stop how I'm letting you affect me because you're changing me for the better. It's like all the love I've been longing to share has found a new conduit in you.

I envy you, you know that? Because you're still a tough cookie. You are not attached to me yet. And I think that even if we've been communicating for weeks and I suddenly disappear, you won't feel me go. I envy you because of your control over your emotions. But still, I thank you for that because you're keeping me at bay. Otherwise, I'd be off to the moon by this time, and I might not be able to come back down again.

But even if things fall down. Even if we've found out that we cannot be together, I won't regret what I am putting myself into right now. I will not deny that I will be... devastated, but just the thought that I was able to spend some time with you. That I was able to get to know you, and be friends with you - that's enough compensation for the tears I might shed in the future.