One Click

"Wait, let me see..."

A sudden feeling of anxiety coursed through me as I clicked my friends list here in Friendster. I was about to find out something, and a consequence of that might be what I've been dreading and yet hoping for this past few months. LE, sitting beside me in front of the rightmost computer in the faculty room, was waiting, curious at my expression.

Six feet under, under my skin/ there's a battle I know I cant win/ you invade me, and I surrender/ yeah, that's what I hate about you/

My friends list shortly appeared on the screen. I immediately clicked page 3 - where his name will appear.

Six feet under
Into the blue
Left of the middle
What can I do?

There... I found his name, and with it, his picture. He was in a yellow shirt (probably the same shirt he was wearing when I saw him in that Ikot jeepney) surrounded by his friends. Looking harmless, smiling in that ineffaceable smile. There, I found what I was looking for - last log-in: 4 days. I took a deep breath and decided to enlighten LE.

Oh those memories.. Those days. Theyre gone. Taken from me. Never will they happen again. They dont matter to <runner>. No. They dont matter. <Runner> wants to leave them behind. Leave me behind. When Ive done nothing wrong but.. be myself.

I sent him an email a month ago, asking him if he could forgive me. Asking him, even pleading, for him to move on and be friends with me again. That was all I was asking him. I've been checking his friendster box just to see when he last went online so that I could know whether he was able to read my message. Last log-in: 4 days. And yet no reply. He never replied since he told me goodbye. That was last year. Vague, unformed thoughts finally solidified in my head.

"I'm going to delete him as my friend," I said decisively.

Despite my control on myself, not minding the other people waiting, I shed a tear, right there on the sidewalk. "For the things I do not fully understand," I said, smiling, as I wiped my face with my hankie.


But I hesitated. My hands leaving the mouse for a few seconds. LE was taken aback by my announcement, and yet somehow, she expected that I would do it sooner or later.


"Well, what are you waiting for? Do it!" she commanded me.


"But..." I hesitated.


If I were you, I would restore our friendship. Or perhaps not. Since after all you have put me through all this time without your knowledge I came to the conclusion that you are unworthy of what I feel. That you are a bad person, no matter what you say. That you are simply NOT WORTH IT.


"But... I don't know how to delete a friend," I answered weakly.


LE was perplexed. She didn't know either.


"It should be here somewhere," I said. Searching the whole page. "Perhaps I should check his profile? No."


LE raised her eyebrows. "Why not?"


"He would know I checked his profile," I answered.


The past few days after it happened, I tried to know why he wanted to leave everything behind. Why one small thing suddenly turned out to be this huge issue that severing of ties was his only way of dealing with it. Everybody, I think, if placed in my position, will be hurt by that. And all this time, I unknowingly pretended to be searching for the answer when all along I was simply wallowing in my stupid and baseless pain.


"So what? Come on Bry. Do it. Now!"


Scared silly, I clicked on his name and his profile appeared on the screen. He'll know I viewed his profile, and perhaps he'll realize that he lost a friend. I didn't browse through his profile. Nothing has changed in there. Do it now! My mind was reiterating what LE said. Do it fast!


The evil part of my mind suddenly came up with an evil plan. LE was getting impatient.


"You're not going to do it..." LE sighed.


"I am. But first, I'm going to delete the testimonial I made him."


"It's written in our boarding house. It's written near the door..."


I quickly pored over his few testimonials from his friends. A lot of them were quite meaningless. LE pointed out one saying "gwapo, gwapo..." a number of times.


There, I found my picture, my name, and the testimonial I made him shortly after everything exploded that fateful October 4. Funny, how he still approved it in spite of his later reactions. Not bothering to read it again, I quickly clicked on that tiny word - Delete.


Our heads moved closer. I can see him close. Too close... and then there was nothing. Just me typing here on this keyboard. Just me, with the blinking mouse. Me in front of the screen. Just me. No him. Never him. So will you stop making a fool of yourself, Bry? You're embarrassing.


"I want to read it!" LE cried but she was too late. A confirmation of my action already appeared on the screen. I didn't want her to read it anyway. It will be too embarrassing for me, even if it was LE.


I went back to his profile box and no "Delete friend" command was written in there.


"I know it's doable. You can delete a friend." I reassured LE.


"Maybe they've changed the rule?" LE suggested.


I clicked back to my friends list and found on the upper right corner of the screen - Help. On the space provided, I keyed in "delete friend."


Sobs were suddenly ripped from the Count's chest. One. Two. Three sobs. Faster. And still faster. He wasn't able to stop them from coming. He didn't want to show this in front of the hunter, but he cannot do anything. He was... he was being ripped... apart.


"You know what," he choked through his sobs. "What's harder than you not... not loving me back?" The Count paused, and he cried some more. "What's harder is that... is that... I can't even show you how much I love you!" And he totally broke down.


A list of items appeared and I clicked on "Deleting/Removing a friend." The answer was helpful, yet ironically blunt.


"You can delete a friend," the instruction said. "From your home page, click on “My Friends.” Click on the white "X" in the top right corner of the box that contains the photo of the friend you wish to delete."


Even in my dreams, you're cold. You're angry. You ignore me. But even so, that's enough for me, because you've taken our friendship away. You've taken away the only thing I can cherish about us besides love. Now I'm left with scraps. No not even. I must accept the truth. I'm left with NOTHING. I'm just reliving my memories. Every minute spent with you. Every small thing I can associate with you. That's all you've left me with.


"You're not going to do it!" LE kept on nagging. I didn't answer her. I went back through my friends list and moved the cursor towards his box, spotting the X mark described by the instruction.


I will understand. I will always try to understand what you do even if I know that it is a hopeless thing because even if I've tried to deny it to myself, you'll always be very special to me.


A microsecond of uncertainty. Am I sure? Is this the right thing to do? The cursor hovered over the X mark.


I'm saying all this now
Because all good things come to an end
And when this feeling finally subsides
I can say that I have done my very best
To show you what I feel for you


My thoughts were suddenly cleared. This is the way, I told myself. He doesn't want to be my friend anyway. If he doesn't care, why should I care? Does he matter that much to me?


Basta bilisan mo na lang humanap ng (aaah eh secret pala) para matigil na ang pag-iisip mo sa kanya. Kung wala lang friendster no? Pero hindi mo naman siya kayang i-delete friend e. Masokista! Weakling! Alipin ng pag-ibig!


Does he matter much to me now when I have Cookie? Cookie, who understands me the way he didn't? Cookie, who gave me a chance to show him how much I care for him? Cookie, who saw through me? Cookie, who loves me the way he didn't?!


"Click"


Balang-araw makakamove-on din ako sa iyo. Balang-araw makakahanap din ako ng iba na magmamahal sa akin. Darating din ang araw kung kailan hindi na iikot ang mundo ko sa iyo. Pero hanggang doon, lalabanan ko pa rin ang walang basehang damdamin ko na kahit ano mang powers ng utak ko ang gamitin ko ay hindi ko pa rin lubusang maintindihan.


"Do you really want to delete this friend?" Friendster asked me.


"Yes," I clicked without hesitation.


It was the 9th of September 2005. The days of this class are numbered. Sir Bry felt like crying. He looked at his students, lingering on the one he has been eyeing for a while, but that student was busy filling a test tube with reagent and didn't notice his wet eyes. "I was simply interpreting what he does to mean what I want them to mean," he thought. "I'm being assuming."


"There," I gave out a long breath. "It's done, LE"


"I'm proud of you, my friend," she beamed at me.


After logging out of Friendster, I went back to my cubicle. I felt different. I'm finally moving on, I told myself. Way to go, Bry.


And yet... Sometimes I feel like doing what you did when you saw me. Ignore, walk away, hasten your steps, and run. Run! Run like your running for your life! Run like Im a monster. I want to run! I want to get away from this. I want to know how it feels to escape and free myself of... you.


Now I finally know how truly escaping from him feels. I took my fone from my pocket to tell Cookie what I just did.


Note:
This entry contains excerpts from some of my previous entries.

The End of One Tree House

There's something quite different about Sundays. There's something special about the brightness of the sun, and the sky. Things look a bit brighter than they normally are on Sundays. A lot of people go outside, walking around in their church clothes. It's the day when families go to visit their relatives. There's an easily identifiable but muted festive feeling in the air such that if I had no way of telling what day of the week it was, I will still be able to tell whether it was Sunday just by going out and looking at my surroundings.

Saturdays are different than Sundays. Saturdays are more informal, more unexpected. Almost like an ordinary weekday but with a lot of people out having fun. There's nothing different about the sun, or the sky though. Just a lot of people out, that's all.

Of the weekdays, Mondays are the worst. When Monday morning comes, people are irritable and they already feel stressed, imagining the long road ahead til the next weekend. They're probably asking themselves where their free days have gone to.

Tuesdays are like Thursdays. Bland and innocent. While Wednesdays mark the middle of the week. The half-way mark. Half-done, half-undone. Well, of course for UP students, Wednesdays are refreshers. A much needed break during the week-long toil of study.

Fridays are the best, and Friday nights the bestest. There's something different about Fridays too. It's an ordinary weekday, but it's the last, so you can go out and have some fun after work or school. And then suddenly, it hit me. Why am I talking about such frivolous things? Why am I writing like a high school student doing my assignment?

That's just a front. I'm becoming too popular these days. I thought perhaps if I began by talking about a shallow topic such as "Sundays" then the gossipmongers wouldn't be interested to read further.

One Tree House is coming to an end - that phase of the blog, but not the blog itself. The overly-emotional, suicidal, melancholic Bryan is dead, at least for the time being. I won't be letting out any shitty stuff for now. I'm thinking of a new title for my blog. Something which would fit the mode I am in now.

I've lost my writing skills. I need an inspiration for me to write, usually some... I dunno. Bad feeling? See, I'm not making sense anymore. With the loss of those negative energies, so did the will to let things out through this blog.

You know what actually stops me from writing too much? It's my students. Yeah... As of now, already 4 of my current students have invited me to be their friend and I can't do anything but accept their invitations. I wanted this sem to be different. A quiet sem, where I would return to  be the nobody that I used to be. It's the sem to avoid scandal and gossip. I'm content with what I have now, I don't need more attention. I've had enough...

Anyway, back to closing "One Tree House", I don't think I can easily let go of this blog completely. You may snigger, but, this blog has really been a big part of my life. It has become my routine whenever I log in to check my blog for comments or to look for messages about this blog. My friendster account is made livelier, and my presence in friendster is more noticed all thanks to the popularity of my blog. Whenever I'm not online and a bloggable idea suddenly comes to my head, I take a mental note of it so that I can write about it the soonest time I can lay my hands on a keyboard.

I'm going to continue writing, but One Tree House has come to an end. No more drama. At least, for the present.

Sir

Here he comes in his long-sleeved lab gown, traces of sleepy cobwebs still on his eyes. It was an early class, but he was the teacher. He should've set an example for us. Still, it's not like he's always late. And I don't always arrive on time either. So it's not really his fault. But still...

He speaks to us, asking us how we spent our free days. He tries to act gruffly but most of us really see through this weak facade. I wonder why he tries to act like he's not soft. The way he talks, walks. The way he addresses me. I think he's gay despite some of the stories he told us last meeting. And on the meeting when I was absent. Was that on purpose? He's putting a show for us. But I know better. I know more about him than my classmates think.

Now, he's asking us to submit our prelabs. And as usual, inserts a joke when he can. He's actually quite funny. And I laugh heartily because I think they are funny. I don't laugh just because he can see me appreciate his jokes.

I hand him my prelab. And as usual, he doesn't look at me too much where my classmates can see. Once during an experiment, I tried smiling at him too openly, giving him my toothiest smile but I wasn't able to read his face. He showed neither thrill nor distaste for what I did. He simply looked at me. What if I touch his hand while he was giving me back my lab notebook. Will I finally get confirmation?

But I was too late. I thought too slowly. He was already checking the next notebook. Next time, perhaps, I will be able to do what I need to do.

He starts discussing the lesson as I was sitting on an ungainly laboratory stool. It amuses me to watch him. He teaches well because he's not boring. He stutters now and then, and he makes elaborate hand gestures when he's feeling quite emphatic with the topic. Aside from that, I like to watch the ever-changing topography of his face. There was never a meeting when he doesn't sprout new pimples. Well, "sprout" is the term. One of us actually thinks he's good-looking and I laughed inside. Well.. maybe when he was younger, but definitely not now.

I look at him occasionally, just to show him that I am listening to his discussion. I like to humor him, play his teacher's pet, and I have this very strong feeling he misinterprets it. Once, when I raised my hand to recite, he blushed as he called me, had to turn his back on us and pretend to write something on the blackboard. That was quite a foolish thing to do then, since the question needed no equations, but there was really no way to hide his crimson face except to go out of the room.

That's why I feel no fear for him. When I enter his classroom, I feel like I own the place. My classmates obey him, but he obeys me. Just one request, let's say... a longer time to answer the quiz, and he would immediately give in. Stuttering and trying to act unflustered. I will smile secretly at my power over him. Secretly, mind. I also keep my mouth shut because it will also be my downfall once my classmates get wind of what happens between us at night. My name, my almost-godly name, will be tarnished by this scandal.

He hands us the locker keys and directs the monitors. I picked up the keys first and bent over our locker to open it. I realized I didn't understand a thing he said because I wasn't paying attention. But I don't worry. Not in this class. I can easily ask him to discuss that to me again. In private, probably.

As I was putting the glassware we would need for the experiment on the tabletop, I looked at him . I looked at the teacher who I think was falling in love with me. I looked at my lab teacher, too young to let himself get caught up with me. What was with him? Doesn't he know that I can never reciprocate? Not because he's not lovable, but because I don't want to ruin what we have. Despite his shortcomings, I really look up to him. He's the friendliest teacher I ever had. I'll never forget you, Sir Bry, so don't fall in love with me...

He catches me looking at him. I froze for a second, realizing that I've been looking at him for too long, and immediately looked elsewhere. My bad. He'll think I was looking at him because I'm in love with him as well. It won't be my fault if I play this game a bit longer. I'm quite sure he isn't brave enough to directly confront me with what I think he feels for me. I'm not brave enough either to face that. What a tangle that would be, especially in light of the stories he has told us.

Once, he was telling us about student-teacher relationships. That they had this meeting, and the new instructors were told that it was forbidden. And he looked me in the eye right then as he mouthed the word "forbidden" like it was meant for me. I keep unusually quiet whenever he's talking about his love life. I'm afraid he might mention me, or give allusions to me. Worse, he might ask me what I think about it.

And so I proceeded doing the experiment, with only half a mind on what I'm doing. Walking to the reagent area, I looked at him sideways and saw that he wasn't looking at me. He's careful with his actions. He won't do it. He won't open up, that's good. I can enjoy being chased a while longer. Or maybe he isn't in love with me after all.

***

It was the 9th of September 2005. The days of this class are numbered. Sir Bry felt like crying. He looked at his students, lingering on the one he has been eyeing for a while, but that student was busy filling a test tube with reagent and didn't notice his wet eyes. "I was simply interpreting what he does to mean what I want them to mean," he thought. "I'm being assuming."

He is a fool, but that of the worst kind. Because he is aware of his foolishness. He knows his chances were diminishingly small. It hurts him. But what hurts more is that even if it does, he still nourishes that stupid idea.

He walked to the reagent area, in the ruse of checking whether the students were handling the chemicals properly. But in truth, he wanted to be close to that student, just to get some confirmation about what's really happening between them. He saw that student smile for no reason while he was discussing the prelab. What was that for?

He stood near. Very near, but he got no reaction. The two of them are hiding their feelings well. "Or maybe he isn't in love with me after all," he thought.

Turning 22

I hate these days. These few remaining hours before my birthday comes. Normally, I would be excited since... well, it's my birthday. (I'm turning 22!) But I seem to take more notice of the days after my birthday. It will be one whole year til November 20 comes around again. A long wait.

My 20th birthday was special. We went on a trip to Lori's in Nueva Vizcaya. It was also her birthday, so we decided to celebrate it together (although I financially contributed nothing, I had no money.) Chie-chie made that birthday really memorable. The trip as it is was great - we had road trips, went to parks, looked at scenic mountains. The food was abundant since the place was dominated by hilly farms. I had a brief taste of how it was to live in the province.

Holding hands on the van, Chie-chie and I practically acted like we were in a relationship. It was like I was in heaven then. The foggy and cold air added to the illusion-like quality of our trip. My 20th birthday was dedicated to friendship.

My birthday last year was a bit more boring, although I still got a kiss on the forehead from (secret!), a Gwen Stefani drawing from the same person, and a surprise birthday cake from my favorite Chem16 class. I had a new fone (my Motorokr, which I would lose 3 weeks after) so I was also materialistically satisfied. I went home to my parents' that day. I bought some cake and ice cream for my own small party. My mom made some pancit and our family had a small celebration with my cousin Ate Giz and her boyfriend as the only guests.

I also bought two numeral candles on my Red Ribbon cake (2 and 1, which i excitedly placed on the cake), and Ate Giz volunteered to take a picture of me as I blew off the candles. I was probably too small to remember when I first did that, so it was kinda like a first. My cousin volunteered to take a picture of that moment, but she wasn't able to capture it the first time so I had to do it again. I stuffed myself with food. We laughed and talked, and ate more. It was my first birthday with me earning money so it felt a bit nice, eating food bought from money I earned. With my family near me, happy and content, I was able to forget the difficulties I was having with Hunter and Chiyo. My 21st birthday was dedicated to my family.

Which leads me to my 22nd birthday coming this Monday... Have I changed much through my college years? Did I become more mature? Wiser and more experienced with each additional year?

I am getting older... We are all getting older everyday. I'm just glad that I was able to catch up with some of my high school friends who, back then, was cruelly pushing me to grow up fast. And now, look at me! I was able to surpass everything that you've done! You didn't think I would survive UP Diliman, didn't you? Survive my identity crisis? I've done so much more. Went through so much more experiences. I've performed better, excelled in almost everything I've put my mind into - academic, social, political, sexual, fame, love. I can only laugh at those who used to belittle me since I've proven that I can be a better person than what they judged me to be.

My 22nd birthday hasn't come yet but I already know where I'm dedicating it to. I've celebrated it with friends, with family. This time I'm going to experience it with my baby. It will be Monster's birthday this Monday, but I've already received the best gift that I could ever have three weeks in advance.

My 22nd birthday is dedicated to love.

You

Rats scurried down the dark alley as I walked fast past them, moving further down the street. Somehow, my three consecutive exhausting days caused by sleepless nights have unhinged my brain - fooled it, such that I find myself staring at the ceiling, my body dead-tired yet my mind refusing to acknowledge my body's need of reviving itself. And here I am, past midnight, letting my thoughts flow through this keyboard, through this blog, in hopes that I can get what has been causing me to be an insomniac out of my system before it does more damage. My head is already beginning to throb.

What has been causing me to react in this weird manner? Could it be my erratic sleeping pattern? Could it be my smokes? Could it be Cookie? What is it?

I remember one particular night when I scared myself silly, thinking that I might already be going insane like my younger brother. I remember well before my brother started showing symptoms of his sickness. They were sleepless nights, trying to sleep beside my brother who, back then, was still quite normal. Quite.

I find myself now, searching through my thoughts. Trying to dig about something deeper. I realized after browsing my past entries that I have become a "shallower" writer since I've been with Cookie. Perhaps it's the lack of problems which causes to be anxious at night when I lay down on my bed. I am just not used to feeling so light, so worry-free.

One sleepless night, with the moon peeking through the newly-installed curtains of my window, I reflected on what my love life has become through the years.

First, there was Dolores way back in high school. She was my best friend... then. After three long years, we're finally friends again. We never became an item. And eventually, I also realized that we're better off as friends.

Then, Chie-Chie came. A whirlwind of emotions. It's hard for me to look back on what was us. It was so short-lived, it almost appears like it never happened. Even now, some of our friends even forget that there used to be a "we". I've hurt her, true, but it was for her own good that I broke up with her. I hope she understands that, especially now. Like with Dolores, we're still friends. Although she's quite out of reach at present. She has forgotten about us, I'm afraid, but I couldn't blame her.

Months passed before Chiyo came, and with her, my worst nightmare so far, Hunter. Loving the two of them at the same time. My heart shifting to the left and to the right every few weeks or so. Hunter is now dead in my heart. Although lately, I've been trying to extend the hand of friendship again just to make things between the two of us back to what it should have been, and only to realize later that it wouldn't have mattered whether we became friends again or not since clearly, I don't mean much to him. But as Cookie once told me, you never can have enough friends so perhaps it wouldn't do any harm if I did what I did.

Chiyo? Well, she's been very busy lately. And I admire her for what she has become now. It is a miracle that we're still friends despite everything that we've gone through together. I have confidence in her. She's a strong person. And I know that she wouldn't let a person like me get under her skin for too long.

Sometimes, I look back on what has been. Sometimes, when I look around at the apartment, I can still see the touches she has left before she went away. I feel sadness, true, because we've shared some really good times together. But hope is what I feel more for her now. I've tried my best to make us work when I had the chance, and I failed. Still, I'm sure that someday, she'll meet the right person, even if she is quite pessimistic about that the last time I seriously talked to her. Despite our past, I would probably be the happiest person on earth when she finds his Mr. Right. Aside from the two of them, of course.

And now, I have Cookie. And he made me feel things I've never felt before. I've never known the meaning of missing a person until he came. Never known the real meaning of love before him. Never met a person who gives me such happiness just by being there. Things about love I believed to be exaggerations or silliness before, with him, I realized and felt to be true. With everything that I've felt, I'm supposed to be very happy. And I am.

But there are times when being with Cookie also scares me. Because I'm putting too much at risk when I'm with him. He's really pointing a gun at my heart now. Once he pulls the trigger, I'm as good as dead.

I don't want to make this list of loved ones any longer. And I'll do what I can, give all the love in the world just to make us go through the bad times and still survive. It's nice to think of the future. Nice to dream of the things I'd like us to do together. But in truth, as with all relationships, no one knows.

I don't know whether I'm strong now, baby. All I'm sure of is that I'm stronger than who I used to be. All I know is that, whatever the future might bring, I'm just so happy. So happy that you are here now with me. So happy that you chose me of all the other people you know. I'm aware of what might happen in the future, but even so I don't really care much about it.

What matters to me more is... well... you. You're here, I'm here. No need to blog about it more.

Stand

The first day of enlistment was almost over. I was very tired. I went to bed straight away when I got back to the apartment. I wanted to take an indefinitely long nap before having dinner because my eyes already felt grainy, and it wasn't even 7pm. My registration duty wasn't the cause of my exhaustion though. It was my diurnal sembreak sleeping pattern.

However, I wasn't able to sleep right away even if my body was dead tired. And I ended up texting Cookie and Milky (the latter is a real name). Hunger drove me out of bed and out to KNL in search of dinner.

8pm was late, in my opinion, for my usual rice dinner so I went to buy some burgers instead. For you see, I was very tired to even use utensils to eat. As I was waiting for my burgers to be prepared, I saw April and Apple, both my Chem 28.1 students last sem, walking on the street. They approached me, and as usual with my past students, they stopped and talked to me for a bit. April even touched my arm and told me she missed me. They were all smiles, asking me how I was. Shortly, they left.

While eating a burger half-heartedly, I thought of inviting them over to my apartment to chat. I usually do not do that, though, but since I had nothing better to do, why not make friends with my students? They live nearby anyway. So I sent them a text message, and they replied that they would be pleased to come.

There they were, sitting on the carpet. At first we simply talked about acads (our common connection) and people we both know (their classmates, IC teachers, etc.) While we were talking about those, I was suddenly doubtful if I would be able to tell them all about me. First, because they were young. And second, they were deeply religious girls.

We talked about a lot of stuff. Apple was very talkative. There wasn't a single minute when she didn't say anything. She talked about her love life mostly. And April kept on putting a word now and then since she already knew most of Apple's stories.

It's amazing, what happened there with the three of us. As with all of my students, I was friendly with both. Even more with Apple since she became my student twice. But we really didn't know that much about each other. But when we shared our experiences, in love mostly, that's when we became really friends.

Our friendly discussion shifted to one of higher caliber. We then tackled aesthetics, dreams, weddings. But the magic really started when I opened up about my sexuality. About the hardships I endured because of that. My false hopes and all that negativity about bisexuality. From there, we talked about religion. How Catholics look down upon people of the third sex. About keeping faith no matter how difficult your problems become.

In light of this, I am going to make my stand about my sexuality. So what if it turned out that I'm gay after all? Does it make me any smaller, any weaker? Does it make me less respectable? Does it change anything you know about me?

If you answered yes to any of that, you are not really my friend. If you like to go with what the rest of narrow-minded Catholic-blinded society believes, then I don't want you here. My true friends will still love me the same, even if I'm gay.

You say that gays are not respectable? Well, it's because that is what you make yourself believe. Have I been disrespectful in any of my actions? Did I harrass anybody? In fact, I believe that I should be respected even more because I was brave enough to stop my pretense of heterosexuality. I was brave enough to go out and identify myself with a group that society still continues to discriminate.

I may have said this before, but as Darren Hayes sings in "Affirmation", I believe that you cannot choose your sexuality. If we were born this way, accept us. Keep your acid tongues from berating us because we are already denied of what makes life meaningful to most - marriage, and starting a family. We find the happiness that we can find in having relationships with the same sex. Do you have the heart to still take the only thing which makes us happy away from us? You are the ones who are harrassing us if you believe that way. And you still call yourselves religious, faithful, God-fearing? Are you even aware of the essence of what you're really preaching?

Do you believe that God made us like this so that He can banish us from His throne and so that we will live miserable lives here on Earth? Do you believe in a God who is that cruel? The Catholic religion is long gone from me because of that. I have faith, but I will follow it my own way. I will not be dictated by so-called pious people who think they have the holy rules, and should apply them with force and humiliation. Maybe you should open your minds people!

I am not ashamed of being this way. I live my life honestly. Why hide? It will only make people look down on you more. Face it. This is your life. This is who you are meant to be. Does it matter what they say? Those who will not accept you are not your real friends anyway. True friends stay. No matter what.

We do not live for society's approval. We live because we are looking for happiness. We live for love. If you love another man, or another woman, so be it. Love is love, no matter the sexuality. True love is sweet, real, and it will not go away because others disapprove. Break away from the norms. Be who you really are.

I also believe that things happen for a reason. If I wasn't looking at the street, I wouldn't have seen April and Apple. If April did not say that she missed me, I might not have invited them to come over. And if they didn't come over to chat, I wouldn't have been able to make this stand about the third sex people. I stand proud because I am proud of myself. It's not the sexuality which makes people agreeable, in my opinion. It's the character that counts.

What's more, I wouldn't have met this wonderful person who makes my world go 'round if I wasn't gay. I wouldn't have met Cookie, my boyfriend. When I think of him, all the hardships I've gone through (for proof, browse through this blog) are all worth it. More than worth it. Each battle has made me stronger, and made me who I am today. Proud, confident, ready to face anything. Ready to give my baby all the love I can give.

Things happen for a reason, baby. I didn't meet you until now because God wanted me to know myself first, to become a better person first before He is ready to present me to you.

I will not let others get in the way of our relationship. We will encounter problems, true, but I am glad that I will be facing them with you by my side. We've only just begun... (Haha alam ko sasabihin mo ang corny ko...) What matters is that we love each other. Right baby? Let's go!!

Finally

Q: Hi Mr. Blog Lord! How are you? Long time no blog.

A: Hi there Q. To say that I'm fine is an understatement. I've been spending my sembreak hibernating at my parents', that's why I wasn't able to write stuff in here.

Q: Wait... There is this certain sparkle in your eyes... Could it be that...?

A: Yes what is it?

Q: That you and...?

A: Yes?

Q: You and Cookie are...?

A: Yessss?

Q: Finally together?

A: YESSSSS!!!!!

Q: (gasps) Oh wow! That was unexpected...

A: Yeah, I didn't expect it either. But I guess even Cookie was helpless against my charms. (winks at Q)

Q: (pretends to vomit) uhhh... (makes retching noises)

A: Oh shadap! Don't ruin my moment!

Q: Umm okay... (wipes mouth with sleeve and laughs) How does it feel?

A: As of now, I'm still astounded. My thoughts are still scattered even if a week has already passed since Cookie said "yes" to me...

Q: I mean how does it feel being officially umm... gay?

A: Hmm... Well, I have to admit, I feel weird sometimes when I think of it. Cookie is my first boyfriend... so I guess that's normal. But the important thing is that I'm happy. I've never been happier in my life. That is simple fact.

Q: Is there a difference between having a girlfriend and having a boyfriend?

A: You are tactless. Of course there is but I will not elaborate on that here.

Q: Oh sorry... Just tell us how it happened.

A: Well... It was around 2 or 3 am in the morning. I was playing my PS. After that, I went to bed and found Cookie's message (I left my fone on my bed). I was shocked after reading the message. My eyes shot wide open. I was motionless for a few seconds.

Q: So how did you recover from that initial stone-like reaction?

A: I picked up my fone. All I was able to reply was "Oh my God!"

Q: That was so gay...

A: Well, he didn't reply. I supposed he fell back to sleep. Roughly an hour has passed before I read his message and was able to reply.

Q: And?

A: I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, still shocked. I even considered waking my mom to tell her the good news. I convinced myself not to celebrate right then. His friends might be playing a prank on me, so with my emotions tamped down, I was able to fall asleep.

Q: What happened in the morning?

A: Cookie replied with "?!" and I sent another message asking for clarification. I didn't want to assume much. I wanted to be sure.

Q: What did he reply?

A: He said "Ayaw mo ba?" and then to my horror, it was followed quickly by another message saying, "Hey this is Cookie. You were communicating with my friend since last night."

Q: What? How horrible! What did you do?

A: As I've said, I have anticipated that blow, so I was able to handle it quite well. Just when I thought that I acted the fool for hoping too much, he sent me another message confirming what his friend told me earlier. "Pero hindi ko na babawiin ung sinabi nya. Bry.. it's a yes."

Q: Hurray! It's a happy ending after all. Wow that was quite a story... So what did you think finally made him decide to give you a shot?

A: I don't know. When I asked him, he said that we were already behaving as if we're in a relationship, so he told me that his answer was only for formality's sake.

Q: So far, how's it going?

A: I've been missing him a lot. Maybe I got used to the closeness I had with my ex. We haven't even met again since we became official. He was at Galera when he made sagot.

Q: I see...

A: It gets really hard sometimes, but as I've realized last night, I have to be strong. If he can do well without me, so can I.

Q: Does he miss you too?

A: He doesn't say. He's a lot sweeter to me now though. He admitted that he is a stoic.

Q: Oh... So what do you think will happen to the both of you in the future? Do you think it will last?

A: Nobody can say that. All I know is that Cookie is a wonderful person. He's like nobody I've ever met before. It sounds like cliche, but that is truth. Whether we are meant to be or not, I am very glad I'll be able to share a part of my life with him. He's really... different. He's deep. Too deep, in fact.

Q: When you say "deep" (blushes and giggles), you are not talking about...?

A: Ha ha ha. Very funny.

Q: Last question, what is your biggest problem about him?

A: He's too cute for his own good. I have a lot of competitors. Get off of him, girls, he's mine! Cookie's mine!!