Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Hale

Hoy! Balita ko according to the latest chika may bago ka na daw! Ooops! Secret ba? Haller sa sikat ba nating dalawa may maitatago pa tayong sikreto sa maliit na mundo ng chem? At bakit hindi mo man lang sinabi sa akin? Aber?!



It's hard to remember how it felt before
Now I've found the love of my life
Passes things, gets more comfortable
Everything is going right?


Pero bakit hindi mo na ako kinakausap? Well, to be fair, hindi na rin naman kita kinakausap lately eh. We're drifting apart, pero I guess that's for the better. For the meantime. I don't know why pero parang wala naman tayong kailangang sabihin sa isa't isa.



And after all the obstacles
It's good to see you now with someone else
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool



Yup. Nakita ko siya kanina. Pero sa labo ng mata ko, hindi ko naman siya mamumukhaan agad. Hehe. Iba talaga mga type mong lalaki 'no? Yatot din eh. :)



We used to think it was impossible
Now you call be my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain



Kinukwentuhan ko nga si LE minsan na hindi ko na maalala yung mga pinaggagawa natin dati. Parang if ever man, babalik tayo ulit from the start. Parang bagong ikaw, bagong ako.



Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown
We have changed but we're still the same
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool


Grabe tsong 'no? Ang dami na talaga nating napagdaanan. Yung mga iskandalo na ginawa natin na bumulabog sa buong mundo ng chem! Like we're really so sikat. And now, pareho na tayong may iba but still, sinusundan pa rin nila ang ating buhay. Para talagang artista na tayo! Hehe. Pero seriously, I'm glad na ikaw ang nakasama ko sa mga yun.



And I'll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles, and now we're hanging out with your new boyfriend
So far from where we've been
I know we're cool


Well... Siguro someday pwede na rin tayong mag double date or something. Someday.



'Cause tonight I'll leave my fears behind
'Cause tonight I'll be right at your side
Lie down right next to me
Lie down right next to me
And I will never let go
Never let go



"Time always kills the pain" sabi nga ni Gwen.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Alpha

Do you know...



How hard it is for me to see you twice a week without fail?



Do you know...



How hard it is to be constantly reminded of the person who has hurt me the most?



Do you know...



How difficult it is for me to forget my ruined past because of your innocent presence?



So much so that...



Sometimes...



I almost wish you gone...



Although I know it is unfair for you because you definitely have nothing to do with any of this...



And you can't do anything to help me...



Because you can't help but be yourself...



Because you can't help but be a reincarnation of the person who has left me...



The person who left me just because I made the grievous mistake of falling in love...



The person who ignored me even though I pleaded for forgiveness...



Forgiveness and understanding I've asked time and again and yet always getting the same reply...



Which was...



...



...



...



Silence...



...



...



But do you know...



That I've learned my lesson...



Because of him, I've lost her...



Because of him, I've realized that I'm just a common fool when it comes to love...



And there's no way I'll let that happen again...



No way...



Because I've finally learned how to love someone...



I've learned how it is to be committed...



And you can't just destroy what I've built...



What the two of us have built...



Because you are nothing but his ghost who is present only in my imagination...



And I alone have the power to kill his memory...



And kill it I will...



Because there's no other way for me to do that because of what he has made me suffer...



But I'm asking you one thing...



Don't make it any harder for me...



It's not you I'm being uncomfortable for...



And it isn't even him...



It's myself...



...



And you also know what, alpha?



I'm gonna win this time...



I'm going to come out in my best...



And I'm confident about that...



...



You want to know why?



...



...



...



Because I love my baby.















Sunday, January 28, 2007

Exam Blues

Sumasakit na ang ulo mo. Gusto mo munang magpahinga pero exam mo na sa ilang oras. Ilang pages pa ng notes at libro ang kailangan mong basahin. Antok na antok ka na.


Kinusot mo ang iyong mata at ipinagpatuloy ang pagbabasa. Puro highlights at underline ang mga notes mo. Ang mga readings. Kung hindi ka lang OC, pati libro susulatan mo na din. Gumagalaw ang iyong mga mata, sinusundan ang bawat linya ng notes at mga equations. Tuloy pa rin ang basa kahit na wala nang pumapasok sa utak mo.


Gawa-gawa ka ng mnemonics kuno para mas madali mag-aral. Notes dito. Notes dyan. I-summarize ang lesson. Pagsama-samahin ang mga equations. Index cards galore.


Hindi ka mapakali kung saan ka pupuwesto para mag-aral. Sa study table? Sa kitchen table? Sa sofa? Pati sa banyo dala-dala mo ang iyong mga notes. Sa kama na lang para mas komportable. Mas malambot. Mas conducive for learning. Hayan relaxed na relaxed ka na sa pag-aaral. For sure mataas ang makukuha mong score sa exam. Yes! Uno here I come!


After 10 seconds, gusto mong matulog muna saglit. Oversleep? Hindi yata. Tatlong alarm clocks ang gagamitin mo para hindi mangyari yun. Alam mo namang kailangan mo talaga mag-aral kaya for sure gigising ka din after one hour siguro? For sure pagkagising mo, mas handa ka nang mag-aral. Konting pahinga muna tapos tuloy-tuloy na. Haaay ang lambot ng bed mo. Yakap mo na si teddy bear. Game? Game!


***


Zzzzz


Ring!


snooze


RING!


Snooze!


RRRINNGGG!


SNOOZE!!


***


Maya-maya...


Cheneztry 16
SECOND LONG EXAM



Instructions: Churva churva churvaloo. Chenes! Karirin!


Question # 991: What is the cheverloo of chukchakchenes if 459.38 Chuvs is chukchak with 3.409857 Keverloo? (Hint: 23.423 Shomabels = 82346 Chismax)


Nerdy Classmate: Keverloo is Chismax to the Nth level. So chuva chukchak chenes times ederlyn. 3434 + 5694859 = 34987 x 23492187 + 1! Square root of shomabels divided by 343 echos. Answer is 1!


Ikaw: ??? Huhuhu... Bakit ganito ang buhay? HIndi pa ba sapat ang ginawa ko? I did my best! Life is so unfair! UNFAIR!


Proctor: Ssshhh...


Luha: (patak... patak...)


Proctor: No crying during the exam please. Deductions chuva remembah...


***


Haaay... Ganyan talaga ang buhay estudyante, kiddo. Lalo na't nasa UP ka... Ang masasabi ko lang bilang teacher ay...


Umattend na sa mga review sessions ko. Hehehe. Inuman na tayo! Woohooo! Hahahaha. Punta tayo UP Fair kids ha? Bonding tayo! :P

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

D the Dermatologist

I was browsing through Men's Health magazine a while ago while waiting for my dinner at Bomika, and I can't help but smile and frown alternately while looking at the numerous pictures of "healthy" men's bods scattered through its pages.



"God," I can't help but think during the times when I am frowning, looking at brawn. "I'm so way way WAY lagging behind."



It's probably a curious thing in me, or with the few guys like me that when I see a guy who is good-looking, I feel pleased yet irritated at the same time. I feel pleased, well, because I like looking at beautiful things, and I feel angry because I'm so not like them dammit!



What irks me more is that everytime I look in the mirror, I am constantly reminded of how far I have fallen from the better-looking boy that I was. My high school friends and relatives are well-aware of this fact - during gatherings, my friends or relatives exclaim (note the word, exclaim!) about what has happened to my face. The little comfort that I get from hearing those is that at least they care about how I look, and that I get confirmation that I did look good before. I get endless remedies from my aunts and grandmas while my former classmates can do nothing but say, perhaps to themselves, how much above me they are now.



It is an on-going battle, fighting these unwelcome zits making a fucking colony out of my face. I've spent a lot of money already (including that Nu Skin product which absolutely made no difference despite its claims but it's okay because it only cost me 6k thank you very much), and a lot of humiliation has been put on my back because of this handed-down problem.



Only D has the courage (and love) to discuss the problem to me in detail. I only became really aware of it when I started to hear insults from people I don't know. It gets hard, you know, at times to leave the apartment, or to leave home when I'm looking really bad. In fact, I only feel comfortable going out at night or where I'll encounter blessedly few people.



One of the worst things I have to go through is going through my classes, especially at times when I'd rather stick my head inside a barrel filled with laughing gas and die. I keep thinking about what's inside their heads while I'm blabbering about stoichiometry or balancing redox reactions. I keep thinking about what they're saying behind my back, or when they're talking to their friends about me, and their friends ask "Which teacher?", and they'll say "Sir Bry, the one who has loads of zits", and they would reply, "Oh... That teacher."



I really have to summon my courage on some mornings when I think I'm particularly looking bad to go out of the door and be subjected to the humiliation of the open world where everybody wants to look their best and those who fail to keep up should be scorned and exiled.



One of my worst experiences so far, was when I was passing through Babaylan's booth in AS Walk on the way to the store in between the Chem Pavs. I was walking by wearing my lab gown, averting the three gays' gazes, when one of them boldly confronted me, a teacher, and said to my face that I should join their org so that I can avoid looking like someone who is "nasabugan ng chemical". And to add more insult, they all laughed loudly and scornfully and kept looking at me on my way to the store!



I ignored them, since I had no other choice but keep my dignity. If I were made of weaker stuff, I would have cried right then or I might have confronted them and humiliated myself further. When I told this to D, the only one who I told this to personally, he offered little commiseration and simply told me that I'm too old to be affected by that stuff. Although he admitted that what they said was mean.



It never goes out of our conversation (me and D's) - the sorry state of my face. He tells me now and again to wash my face more often, or to use this product or that. To stop smoking, or to drink more water. I can sense that he wants me to look my best before he presents me to his friends, and whenever we get into talking about that, I only feel a certain helplessness in me. I really want to look better, for him most of all, and I'm doing what I can, but success keeps evading me. And I'm almost out of hope after trying so much, and still failing. And looking worse every year besides.



I'm almost out of hope, reader. And in low times, pondering about those who laugh at me and humiliate me, I think to myself, well, at least I've got someone I love who loves me back. That's a whole lot more worth than any blemish on my face will ever be. They're just bitter, that's all, because they don't have the wonderful life that I have. Much less the courage to tell such things to other people like what I just did right now.



I remember one particular night when me and D were in bed, my head on his lap. I've just finished washing my face for the night, and he was sort of supervising the cleaning. He had a tissue in hand, and was wiping at the spots on my face, occasionally asking whether this spot hurts or what. I feel ashamed, true, being so exposed to the person I want to please most in the world, And yet, I feel warmth, too. I feel love. And it's what keeps me going whem I'm at one of my lowest.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Sugarbabylove 2

Minsan, kahit anong plano mo sa isip mo. Kahit anong paghahalo-halo mo ng mga salita, hindi mo pa rin maiexpress nang tama ang feelings mo. Para bang sa sobrang bigat ng emosyon ay hindi mo na magawang idetalye pa ang mga nararamdaman mo.



Kaya Baby, heto lang masasabi ko para sa iyo...



Sorry



I miss you



I love you



(hihihi kinikilig pa din ako)



:)

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Ikaw, Ikaw, Ikaw, at Ikaw

Naaalala mo pa ba noong nagholding-hands tayo habang naglalakad bago pumunta sa Math Quiz Bee noong elementary?



Naaalala mo pa ba ang foggy day noong hawak-kamay tayo habang naglalakad sa park noong birthday ko, kasama sina Lori?



Naaalala mo pa ba noong Experiment 7, Gases, at nagtouch ang ating mga kamay habang tinitingnan natin ang Lung Setup?



Naaalala mo pa ba noong nagholding-hands tayo pagkatapos manood ng "The Breakup", noong araw na umalis ka na sa apartment?



Naaalala mo pa ba noong high school, kapag nagrereport ka ay hindi ako makatingin sa iyo dahil hindi ko mapigilan ang pag-blush ko?



Naaalala mo pa ba noong nasa labas tayo ng Chemsoc Tambayan, noong tiningnan mo ako at sinabing hindi pa talaga "tayo"?



Naaalala mo pa ba noong nakaupo ako sa table sa lab, nagbabasa ng manual at nahuli kitang nakatingin sa akin nang walang dahilan?



Naaalala mo pa ba noong nasa apartment tayo, nakaupo sa carpet at tiningnan mo ko at tinanong kung minahal ba talaga kita?



Naaalala mo pa ba noong inilagay mo ang ulo mo sa balikat ko noong Christmas Party natin kanila Remay?



Naaalala mo pa noong hinalikan mo ako sa van ni Roldan, at sinabing "Etong si Bry? Love ko 'to eh!"?



Naaalala mo pa ba noong sembreak at nag-text ka sa akin, at sinabing hindi ka makapag-concentrate sa pag-aaral para sa exam dahil namimiss mo ang lab class natin?



Naaalala mo pa ba noong nagigitara ako ng "You and Me" habang kinakantahan ka na para akong isang rock star?



Naaalala mo pa ba ang iniregalo ko sa iyong methyl red indicator at mga test tubes, na feeling ko ay hindi mo naman na-appreciate?



Naaalala mo pa ba ang mushy dedications natin sa isa't isa sa acknowledgement page ng ating mga theses?



Naaalala mo pa ba nung nakita mo kami ni LE papuntang Beach House, kung kailan iniwasan mo ko na para akong may nakakahawang sakit?



Naaalala mo pa ba ang mga yosi breaks natin sa rooftop, at dala-dala ko ang aking discman at isang mug ng Pop Cola habang naghihintay tayo ng shooting stars?



Naaalala ko pa ang lahat. Ang lahat ng mga alaalang nagpaparamdam sa akin na parang ang tanda ko na. Na parang ang dami-dami nang nangyari sa buhay ko.



Lahat ng iyon ay aking aalagaan. Lahat ng mga alaalang hindi ko na maibabalik pa. Mga alaalang masaya, malungkot. Mga alaalang nasaktan kita at nasaktan ako.



Lahat ng mga iyon ay magiging parte pa rin ng aking buhay, kahit na kanya-kanya na tayo nang landas na dinadaanan ngayon. Lahat tayo ay may natututunan sa ating mga nakaraan. Kahit na may iba na akong mahal ngayon, nais kong malaman niyo na lahat kayo ay minahal ko, minahal niyo man ako o hindi. Ikaw, ikaw, ikaw, at ikaw.

Friday, January 19, 2007

The Count's Tale Epilogue: An Eye For An Eye

I've been playing with the idea of doing another fiction series in my blog for the past few days now. Some of my old readers can probably recall the eight-volume exploration into the fantasy world of "The Count's Tale", a fairy tale in true essence which I've written fresh after the breakup. And some may recall other shorts like the controversial "The Bus", the sexualized Harry Potter in "AloHOMOra!", the futuristic "To Be A Father", or the more recent student-teacher affair in "Sir".



It's probably the pleaser in me which keeps on pushing me to do my best when I'm writing something in here. I want to keep you, my reader, glued and entertained. I want my readers to respond and communicate, be affected by my thoughts. Writing has always been a passion for me so forgive me if I keep on filling your emails with notices that I've posted yet another entry.



At present I only have a couple of ideas for a "blogaserye":



  1. A Harry Potter fan fiction! However, I'd focus more on Harry's relationships which aren't really discussed much in the books in my opinion, and I'll just borrow bits and pieces of magical stuff from my good friend J. K. Rowling. Haha! The idea of a Harry-Draco tandem intrigues me much. Or maybe you'd prefer a Harry-Ron story? A Hermione-Lavender one what you think?


  2. Or I can choose to write just another fiction story. I'd think of a believable lead character, a guy of course, who will fall in love with another guy! Haha that would be something I think. I have to draw from my own experiences so there's a big chance the lead guy will also be a teacher of sorts. A love instructor perhaps? A student-teacher relationship discussed in detail? Romance in the laboratory? In a deserted classroom? Think of the possibilities!


Haha enough for now I think. I got too excited with planning myself. Post a comment if you have any ideas to share. For now, I'd like to share the much-delayed epilogue of The Count's Tale. Here it is...



***



The Prince strode up the stone stairs circling around the silver tower which is the Temple two steps at a time, ignoring the strong wind which was making his green cape billow behind him. Some gusts were particularly strong enough to make him pause to keep his balance but on he went, climbing towards his destination. He came all the way from the castle.



Priests and wizards on the way down from the altars above did not halt him for breaking the Temple's rules - each stone step of the stairs was made for the seeker to climb in contemplation, not for skipping nor for stamping. The residents of the Temple recognized who the mad seeker was, and who wouldn't know him? The Prince, because of a still untraceable curse, has been transformed into a green-skinned Ogre wearing royal clothes. That fact made the already furious Prince's thoughts still darker and he climbed the damned stairs three steps at a time.



Breathing hard and cursing, he finally reached his destination, the topmost altar in the Temple - the altar of Apollo.



"Apollo!" the Prince intoned, raising his arms. "I beseech thee! Answer the summons of the Prince of this land whom you are bound to serve!"



Greenish-blue smoke appeared out of nowhere on the middle of the platform, and materialized into a single eye with an iris the same color as that of the smoke from which it came from. A voice issued from the eye, though the Prince was sure it was speaking directly to his head and not through sound.



"What is it in particular, your Highness?" it asked in a faraway-sounding voice.



"The Count of the enchanted forest," the Prince spoke. "Kill him!"



It took a few moments before Apollo was able to reply, small puffs of smoke puffing from the eye.



"What for?" it asked.



"For the Princess! He took her away, killed her, and went to associate - to fuck! - a common hunter. Such deeds cannot be left unpunished! I had him jailed with the hunter whom he adores but he escaped! Surely, the Gods will favor my cause. The princess - !"



"Enough!" Apollo cut in. "You do not have enough reason for your wish. The Princess loved the Count. She did love you, in the beginning, but she found another - "



"Lies!" the Prince suddenly shouted, his hands clenched in fists, as if he could fight the God he summoned.



"I am the God of Truth, and it is the truth you shall hear and no other," Apollo continued. "The Princess found a new love in the Count and you should have accepted that if you really did love her! It's your pride which brought you the ruin that you are now. You didn't come here to ask justice for the Princess, but out of spite because you cannot accept that a low being, as how you consider the Count, was able to beat you for the Princess' heart. You should learn to accept things as they are."



The Prince was taken aback but he recovered himself quickly. "I am the Prince of this land," he said coldly. "And I have the right to see justice done when it is needed! No matter what you say, The Princess' life was taken!"



The eye blinked. One slow blink, and it said, "The Princess killed herself for the Count. That's how much she loved him."



The Prince's eyes smarted with unshed tears but he held himself under tight control. "Still," he continued in a rather unsteady voice, "the Count should have had enough sense not to steal who isn't his. He should've have had enough will not to let the Princess... feel... what she shouldn't have!" Bitterness took primacy in the Prince's feelings.



The eye remained motionless, as if it was thinking over what the Prince has just said. Slowly, it blinked, and as if announcing someone's death in a dreadful voice, it said, "It's done."



A slow smile formed on the Prince's lips and it was all he could do to keep himself from doing a caper on the spot. "So..." he said gleefully, "Justice is mine after all. Where can I find his corpse so I can give a burial suitable for his... ummm... station."



"The Count is not dead," Apollo replied, and before the Prince could continue his haranguing again, it quickly added, "As with what it seemed he did to you, I took away the one he loves the most. I took the hunter's life."



The Prince frowned, mulling over the God's decision. He was about to open his mouth to complain, but after a while, he simply shrugged and said, "That should suffice, I guess," realizing that the Count must be in deep misery at that moment.



Contented, he was about to turn and leave the God of Truth without further ceremony when he suddenly remembered something else.



"Apollo," he asked casually. "Can I have the Princess back?"



The eye blinked once more, as if surprised.



"No," it said, as blue-green smoke enveloped it one last time. "An eye for an eye," and the eye disappeared with the magical smoke, leaving the Prince feeling more empty-handed and alone.



The wind blew.



***



Check out the other chapters of the Count's Tale!



Prologue "The Princess and the Count" (Chiyo wrote this)



Chapter 1 "The Last Flower"



Chapter 2 "The Flight of the Crow"



Chapter 3 "The Count and the Hunter"



Chapter 4 "A Black Feather"



Chapter 5 "The Prisoners"



Chapter 6 "An Arrow Through the Heart"



Chapter 7 "Tears and Shadows"



Chapter 8 "The Cliff"





Wednesday, January 17, 2007

A Memory of His Face

Something - perhaps the heat, or the lateness of the hour - made me open my eyes to find myself lying on my bed, my shirt sticking to my sweaty back, the blankets tangled with my legs. The wind was blowing through the half-opened windows, making the bedroom curtains flutter, although the wind did nothing to lessen the heat inside the room.



Normally, I would not have minded one whit about the heat, or how the curtains moved in my room. I wouldn't have given a damn about how late it was (it was probably past noon) or how the bedsheet got disordered and was lying in lumps on the middle of the bed. I wouldn't have given special notice on how late I woke up on a Wednesday. But today was different. Today, I just woke from a dream I've never had before...



I dreamt that I had a younger brother.



First, he was a baby in my mother's arms and I stood beside her looking down at him. Then he was older, and that he can already stand and walk a bit, and I remembered talking to my dad about how old my new brother will be until I had to support his going to school. How old I'd be then. And how a little shocked I have been to take on that responsibility without even consulting my parents.



And then he was a bit older still, his face varying everytime I catch a glimpse of it. Sometimes looking like me, sometimes looking a bit like my other relatives. I called him "payat", like how my mother used to call me. Like most dreams, subtle details vanish, and the last thing that I can recall is that I was hugging my new brother tight, and was fervently saying to myself that I'd be sleeping beside him that night since I seldom get to sleep at home with my family. With my new younger brother... Feeling something so sincere it made me so happy...



And then I woke up. And the realization that it was all a dream hit me hard. Another brother to love. A substitute for David's going crazy...



...



Or perhaps...



...



Maybe...



...



Just maybe...



...



What I really wanted all along was...



...



...



A son?



...



...



But...



...



...



But I'm...



...



...



But I'm not...



...



..



.



.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Creation and Creations

The last thought that I can remember before falling asleep one night was that about the validity of the existence of religion and of God. The darkness of my room helped me visualize the Earth as from space. The sun, the moon, the planets, and the stars all around me.


It slowly came upon me to ask myself why all of those were created? If God made the universe, it will look like He wasted a lot of effort for the other heavenly beings. What is Venus' purpose? Saturn's? Jupiter's? What about Pluto which isn't even considered a planet anymore? Why were they created? What about the other galaxies which contain other planets?


As I made myself move with the speed of who knows how many light years farther from a picture of our solar system in my mind, it became more obvious how insignificant the Earth is compared to the whole universe. If life was possible on our planet, taking the scientific point of view, then the chance of alien life is also a significant possibility, if not a big one.


I can see a similarity in how Earth was created and how life here is possible. Through biochemistry, I have seen how biomolecules make our cells function. There is no "unknown" or "indescribable" force inside our cells. "Biological life" is simply a matter of immensely-complex chemical reactions. There's also the matter of evolution from the primordial soup to the "thinking man", which to me, makes more sense as I mature as a scientist. But the main question is - how was the cell and its organelles constructed from the simpler chemical compounds present in a younger Earth?


A similar pattern, I think, applies to the universe, although I have much less knowledge about astronomy than biochemistry. Somehow, a planet with ideal conditions for carbon-based life came into being. A yellow sun, liquid water, and a mild atmosphere were made available to one of the myriad planets formed in the universe, making life possible here.


Yet again, a similar question occurs to me - where did the starting material (from the Big Bang) came from? The subsequent formation of other atoms from hydrogen and helium can be explained through physics and chemistry, but how was the energy to start the "explosion" which made the universe as it is today made? What force supplied that?


I have a vague idea that the first cell was made from a combination of evolution and chance (looking at how bacteria evolve fast), and that TIME is a major factor in it. I think humans are biased about what they think are possible because we have a limited notion of time. Given enough time, some things which we may believe almost impossible to occur, can occur. Will occur.


On the other hand, I have neither idea much less a theory on what supplied that Big Bang energy and where all those starting matter came from.


I was just talking to Ate Babeh who is currently working on the other computer here in the faculty room. I told her about my ideas, and she said that God supplied those starting materials, made that first explosion of energy, and guided how life was made possible here on Earth.


But still, I retorted, that that doesn't explain the possibility of alien life, which the Bible doesn't agree on. Her reply, which lit something inside me, is that religion may be false. The Bible is made by men. They might be wrong, but it doesn't mean that God does not exist.


I am about to close this entry (because I need to eat some lunch) and I'll leave you with this thought for the present. Who knows what purposes the other planets have? (Although I believe they might have been there to balance the gravitational forces and keep the Earth in its proper orbit.) Or the other stars like Vega, Antares, Betelgeuse, or Aldebaran? I don't know. I don't believe someone really knows either.


I questioned such things because I want to learn the truth about my life, my significance, but there are times when these "inquisitions" should step aside for acceptance. Just accept that the stars are there. The planets are there. I should just accept that I am here, a living being, and I am given the chance to think about beautiful thoughts such as these.


As much as question why a beautiful flower blooms in a rocky cliff where no insect, bird, or human can gaze on its beauty.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

HIV+

LE once told me that one of the things she admires about me most is that I never panic. We were about to submit a reaction paper for our Enzymes class the next day and I haven't really read the articles that well yet. When she asked me about how I would be able to finish it, I simply shrugged and told her that everything would be fine eventually. We're already MS students, I told her. We don't need to grovel with acads as much as we did.



***



D made me confess about the exploration I've done last August (see "Sa Apartment") and one of the things he made me admit (aside from the... other things) was that I wasn't safe when I did what I did.



"What are the chances anyway?" I told him. "He looked healthy enough for me..."



But still, deep in my mind lodges the idea that at present, I might be sick. Even if I do look out for symptoms, I will not be able to see anything this early. It's only been 5 months since that night.



If I were to be tested right now and the results proved that I'm HIV-positive, I will accept it. I was educated enough. I knew the risks that I took, and it was my choice to have done that unprotected. If my death were to be caused by AIDS, so be it. I'm strong enough to handle it. I think.



But how am I going to explain it to those I had sex with since?



The small probability that I might have it scares me enough. But I'm scared more for those who I might have infected... They're probably going to kill me if I am sick.



To be safe, I'll have myself tested next month. Before Valentine's to be safer.



***



But despite this unsolved uncertainty, I'm still not in a panic... as long as I don't uselessly dwell on it often.



:(

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I'm Speaking Up

It was around this same time last year when I was being beaten up on the streets of KNL. Things just happened really fast (like how I lost my fone) that you might think I felt the same helplessness, the same failure to grasp the situation at that fateful moment... (To be continued below)



Preface



It will probably go against me if I admit to my readers that sometimes I go into this what I call "blogging highs" - times when I really feel the need to log in and blog here in Friendster. I've been running this blog for 15 months now and I'm glad that Dusk at Red Island is still running well!



How can I have said that? What proof do I have? Well, it's with the number of regular readers that I have plus the comments that they post occasionally. Not all of my readers post comments though (ehem Doreen), but still I'm glad to announce that as of this moment, I have 27 more comments than entries (excluding my own comments of course). Yipee!



Maintaining a blog isn't that easy. The greatest difficulty is keeping your readers interested. You have to make sure that whenever you post something new, somebody will read it and if it is a good entry, will be affected by it and will post a comment (or two). Or will make them think at the least.



One of the common complaints I get from my readers is that my entries are too long. That actually makes me feel bad because it means that they're really not interested enough in what I'm talking about, or perhaps I don't write that well to keep them glued to their monitors. Hmph! One of my students even said that he doesn't read my blogs because they're written in English! I cannot help if most of the time I feel that I can express more in English rather than in Filipino. It's not like I force myself to write in English ya know...



***



The Main Entry



I'm quite fond of starting my entries with describing my surroundings like "It was a cold December night..." or "Dilaw ang ilaw sa paligid..." so expect that I won't do differently with this so-called MAGNANIMOUS entry. Too optimistic, it actually depends on who reads this. If they know enough... My students will probably be clueless. Most of them at least.



Imagine putting yourself in my position. You were walking on the streets of KNL with a friend, enjoying the cool night when suddenly you become aware for a few milliseconds that someone was approaching you very fast on your left side. You cannot see very clearly because that someone is seen only from your peripheral vision. Just as you were about to turn your head to really look at who (or what) it could be (remember, things were happening very fast), a blow lands on your side, together with a muttered oath "&%@#*&%@! Bryan!" (Pause)



Some of you, especially those who are aware or have some idea of what transpired that night are probably questioning at this point what good it will do me to divulge what was sworn not to. I'm not actually going to tell you everything which happened then. I just want to let out all my thoughts on what has happened which were suppressed by the need of avoiding more bloodshed and misunderstandings especially in the faculty room.



Circumstances are different now so I judged that it's already safe, and that it's about time I spoke up and defended my side of the story.



Truth: I (or better put, we) started this cold war between the two batches which thankfully is slowly coming to an end. Before, I had some small grudges for the other party though because I could not understand why they had to be cold to some of my batchmates who were not even involved in what happened. It turned out to be a sorta "batch war", but it's over now at least. And I think what they did was not deliberately done but was simply a result of friendship to who was harmed, if not a very open-minded one.



Truth: I was tossed about like an empty sack while the beating was going on. Believe it or not, I am not a very bad person, and at that time, I was actually preparing myself what to do in case such things happen, and when it did happen that night last year I did what I thought I should do - do not fight back. He had every right to beat the shit out of me and I, on the other hand, do not have a reason to harm him because I knew then, that I was in the wrong. I deserved every blow that I got that night and I have no hard feelings whatsoever to him that night.



If he thinks that I was helpless against him that night (as he has every right to brag about), so be it. You can ask her to confirm that my plan of not fighting back was borne out of good intentions and not lack of courage if you have doubts whether I'm telling the truth about myself.



Unfortunately, my target readers will not be able to read this anyway since they're not my friends here in Friendster and I think they don't want to consider me their friend anymore. I understand that what I did might have been unforgivable but they already forgave her! He even forgave her (but actually, I'm not looking forward to resuming my friendship with him which wasn't really much to tell the truth).



To be fair, I'm not really extending a hand of apology to their party anyway (like what she did). And what we have done now (between me and the other party) is probably the best that could be managed at present. I do miss their friendship every now and then, but I also know that losing that is part of the decision I've made two years ago. I took what I wanted, and I paid for it. I just want them to remember that what had happened was our decision (split evenly), and my involvement in the affair is as deep as hers was, not a shred more.



To those who are still giving me cold shoulders, I want you to rethink. Of course, we'll all side up with our friend who was hurt but there's a certain limit to that don't you think? Especially if you're not really directly involved anyway. Don't you think you might just well be a tad overly reacting? Anyway, it's not like I'm begging them to forgive me. If they don't want me back, it's fine.



If you're wondering about how I feel for him now, my answer would be that I look up to him for handling things as best as he could. There might have been some overlapping of roles or some slights in professionalism but I guess that couldn't be helped.



Laying the blame on other people (or to a specific person) will probably not help since everything is over and done with now. Still, are you aware that everything could have ended way better, and less painful for me if one meddlesome person (not involved) didn't put her hands on things and tried to make things as straight as she thought they should be?



All is over and done with. I forgive everyone. Strong people like us can survive despite outside intervention. Happy new year!

Saturday, January 6, 2007

Sorry

Hidden looks
And hidden smiles
Hide your feelings
All the while

Unbidden fancies
Unwelcome dreams
But they aren't always
What they seem



Make believe
I am not aware
But I'm warning you
Because I do care

So go ahead
Don't dwell on this
You cannot do more
I'm already his



Flirt to the left
I'll flirt to the right
Nothing more 'cause
My heart's caught tight

Friday, January 5, 2007

Music Update: Plans for the Upcoming Album "Light" Revealed

We had a lot of free time left in yesterday's Chem 16 class and I decided to use the extra time to get to know my students better. Everyone told something about themselves the rest of us didn't know. Some told shocking revelations. Some told their eccentricities and their psychotic tendencies. I had a lot of fun listening to what my students wanted to share about themselves.



Then it was my turn to say something. Probably because I had difficulty choosing which to reveal and which to hide, I wasn't able to tell them something straightaway so they had to lead me with questions. In the end, I decided that I could trust my class so I confessed about my sexuality and the issues which come with it.



It was a big step for my personal growth, I think. And it will make my students closer to me. Maybe it will encourage them to do better in the subject if they know that their teacher trusts them and is willing to be their friend. Maybe not. The die is cast, whatever the consequences.



And that leads me to the new album I will be releasing before the sem ends this March. I haven't really prepared for it yet. So far, I only have about less than ten possible songs I can include for the album in my head and I have to finalize it by February! Last year's album, "Time Of My Life" was 70 or 80 percent complete at this same time last year. Will I be able to give a good enough album to give to my students this sem?



What makes it harder for me to choose songs for my new compilation  is that I have already included suitable songs for D's album "On the Horizon" which was already released last October. I wanted to give my students new songs for their own album but my stock of good and happy songs have almost been exhausted by my previous effort. I need to do some more research, exert more effort to come up with a good enough album this March.



The working title for my next album is "Light" which I coined from Robert Jordan's upcoming book, "A Memory of Light". I even had a working cover saved in my fone but (sobs) it's gone now... So...



"Light" will focus more on the theme of redemption, in contrast to the dark and dreary album which was "Break" released early October last year. My concept for the album is that it will start with a sort of "breaking out" (similar to "Break"'s "End of Me" and "Somewhere I Belong") but delivered in a lighter yet still angsty side. It will continue breezing through happily in love songs, some not that happy, with ala-Britney's "Stronger"-like songs (but that song will definitely not be included) dispersed evenly throughout to add variation, and will close with a song I've already disclosed in my current Chem 28.1 class.



Perhaps with the loss of my fone (it always comes down to this isn’t it?) I'll be able to spend more time to look up new songs for my new album. And I might as well start now.



Changes

NOTE TO THE READER: Because of the suggestive and informal nature of Cookie's new nickname (Yummy), I decided to change yet again what I will call him in my future entries. I noticed that using "Yummy" in some of my more serious entries (e.g. in "A Reason for Religion") destroys the effect of the mood I wanted to convey to the reader. From now on, Cookie will be known simply as "D".



***



It seems like my New Year's Resolution has been made for me with the recent and still bitter loss of my fone. My hours have become more empty and a whole lot less exciting. At times, I still unconsciously feel my right pocket to check the rectangular bulge that isn't there anymore. I still pause every now and then while listening to music, thinking that my groovy message alert tone has rung but was masked by Gwen Stefani or Nelly Furtado's song.



My fone has been a part of my life for six months, and a lot of things I've done before wouldn't have been possible without it. It's loss goes beyond the loss of material things and it's like losing someone real, someone alive. It has been my inanimate bestfriend. It was there when I was at my lowest and  my highest. It was there when I was lonely and when I felt loved. It has been my connection to my family, my friends, to D. My fone means (or meant) a lot to me.



I know I'm going to survive, and I don't think I would cry for losing my fone, but I also know that I'm going to face lonelier nights from now on. My fone was the reason why I got through those days when I was missing D very much. Even if our time together was limited, communicating through my fone made me feel that he was less distant. Made me feel his presence. Through my fone, I made him feel that I was right there beside him. What am I going to do now that it's gone?



A useless waste of words you might think. I can easily buy a new fone, and it isn't like I will not be able to communicate with him through other means. I know all that, and the loss of my fone isn't really that bad as I make it appear. I just wanted to emphasize the fact that humans (me included) do feel attachment for objects not only because of their value or of their function, but also because of the memories we've attached to it that slowly fades away too with the object's loss.



Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Ang Krimen

Three hours ago...



Haay ang init naman. Bakit kanina nung lumabas ako ng bahay malamig naman? January night naman ha. Dapat yata hindi ko na sinuot yung bago kong jacket. Kaso hindi na din kasya sa bag ko eh, so why not isuot na lang? Kesa naman hubarin ko pa dito sa kalye.



Kung huhubarin ko, hassle pa 'no. Una, aalisin ko yung bago kong shoulder bag (yung regalo ni Yummy) tapos hahawakan ko muna, tapos aalisin ko yung backpack ko pa. Baka manakawan pa ko ng celfone dahil magmukha akong easy prey 'no. No way 'tol. Tiis na lang sa init. Besides, ayos naman yung jacket mo di ba?



Bakit ba kasi ang tagal ng bus? At bakit ba kasi ang daming tao ngayon e gabi na? Anong oras na kaya? Wait... Hindi ko suot ang relo ko. Sa fone ko titingnan? Ngye, ano ako, hilo? Dami kaya magnanakaw dito. Never ko nilalabas ang fone ko in this area. Baclaran kaya ito. Notorious.



Ah Wednesday night kasi. Madami ang nagsimba. Naku baka ma-karma ako ngayon. May pagka-antichurch pa naman yung latest blog ko.



Asan na ba yang lintek na Fairview bus na iyan at nang makauwi na ako. Kailangan ko na i-text bf ko. Naghihintay na yun sa kin. Pagdating ko sa KNL, magpapa-load agad ako. Tapos internet. Tagal ko nang hindi nagblo-blog eh.



Sakyan ko na kaya itong Fairview bus na 'to? Kaso Ayala kasi ang daan eh. Malayo pa yung iikutan. Mas mahal pa. Taxi na lang kaya?



Pasukan na ulit! Excited na ko sa school bukas! Gising ako maaga para pumasok sa school (that is, kung makakatulog ako tonight). Aayusin ko muna nang kaunti ang table ko, baka inalikabok na. Maghahanda nang kaunti for the lesson... kuno. Actually gusto ko lang pumasok nang maaga kasi maguupload ako ng pictures para sa Friendster. Hehe. Nasa PC kasi sa faculty yung program sa pag-transfer ng files ng fone ko.



May magaganda pa naman akong pics na nakuha kagabi. Niligpit na kasi yung Christmas lights kaya pinaglaruan ko muna. Ang astig nung effect nung lights. As in! Sigurado kapag naipost ko ang mga ito sa Friendster ang ganda. Marami na naman magvieview sa profile ko. I'm so excited na talaga. Dapat mai-upload ko na ang mga pics na yun asap...



LIntek ang tagal talaga ng bus. Pinapawisan na ko. Ang usok pa. Makapunta nga dito sa gilid baka



ILABAS MO ANG CELFONE MO DALI!



Shet shet shet shet shet. Whaat ano ito? Bakit may nararamdaman akong matulis sa likod ko?



HUWAG KANG PAPALAG KUNDI TUTULUYAN KITA!



Ang bilis talaga ng mga pangyayari pero ang weird ha. Ninanakawan na ako pero composed pa din ako. Asus. Halata naman na hindi sanay yung mga thieves na ito. Dalawa sila. Isa sa likod ko, isa sa harap. Ang friendly nga nung nasa likod ko dahil naka-hug pa siya sa akin. Ang tight pa ng hug, may hawak nga lang na kutsilyo. Yung nasa harap ko, nasa mga pockets ko naman yung mga kamay. Sa totoo lang kung hindi lang ako medyo shocked at that time, iba siguro ang maiisip ko.



O HETO ANG PERA KO. WAIT LANG.



Ang shiny nung kutsilyo na nasa harapan ko. Mga 5 inches siguro. Tinutok nga nya sa akin yun for a while sa ribs area. Matulis nga. Pero ewan ko ba kung bakit hindi ako natakot. Resigned na kasi ako at that time eh. Resigned na isuko ang fone ko.Or ang buhay ko. Or wala lang talaga akong pakialam.



Naku nakuha na nga yung fone ko. Nasa bulsa na niya. Napa-smile pa yung nasa harap ko. Hindi naman siya cute. Nagbigay ako ng bill mula sa bulsa ko. Hindi ko na nakita kung ano.



ASAN NA YUNG IBA?



ID KO NA YUN 'NO.



Aba nakuha ko pang ngumiti. Ang worry ko talaga ay makuha nila pati yung ATM card ko. Buti na lang umalis na sila. Na-satisfy na agad dun sa aking fone.



Natulala ako for a while dun sa kalye. Naglayuan ang mga tao sa akin, na-realize ko.



O, MAGLAKAD KA NA PAPUNTA DUN MAG-ISA.



HA?



Ay nasa harapan ko pa pala yung isang magnanakaw na mukhang goon. Maglakad daw ako dun papalayo. E di sige, maglakad. Wala na akong fone. Ulit. Pangatlong beses na ito!!!!!!!!!!



First reaction: Seek help. Magreport sa police. Punta agad ako dun sa MMDA churva. Walang tao. Hay hayaan na nga. Uwi na ko.



Saan ako uuwi? Babalik ba ko sa Las PInas? HIndi na no. Tuloy na ko sa KNL. May pera pa naman ako. Nakita ko from my pockets na bente lang pala yung naibigay ko na bill. Hahahaha. Samantalang yung natira sa pocket ko ay mga 100 bills na lahat. Maswerte pa din ako.



Second reaction: Frustration. Why oh why? And other shitty thoughts habang para akong lost sa Baclaran na ayoko nang balikan pa.



Third reaction: Anger. Hay pakshet talaga! Nampucha! Parang gusto kong mang-away nun eh. Kailangang mailabas ko ang galit na ito or else!!!



Fourth reaction: Pag-eemote. Bakit ganito ang life? Kung kailan akala mo kumpleto na, saka mawawalan ka. Hindi ka hinahayaang maging masaya for long. The Wheel turns at nasa ilalim ka na naman.



Last reaction: Resignation. Ganun talaga. BIbili na lang ako ng bago. Nakakahinayang dahil andun yung mga pics. Yung mga messages ni Yummy na nai-save ko. 9thou din yun no. Pero at least hindi ako nasaktan. Bente lang ang nakuha sa aking pera. At hindi kinuha pati ang mga gamit ko. Buti walang nakuhang mga important documents na hassle pa para mapalitan. Maswerte pa din talaga ako, kung iisipin. Kung ipagpipilitan...



Pero pakshet pa din 'no! Paano ko matetext baby ko ngayon?! Putang-ina!!!!! Isa pa, mas malutong na PUTANG-INA!!!!!!!