Spaced Out

Alam niyo ba yung joke na 'to: Why are chemists the happiest people on earth?

If you don't, well I won't tell you the answer until you've read the rest of this blog entry. The thing is, reader, I've finally found the answer to getting over that pitiful excuse (hmm too harsh) ummm that person na lang.

And what is that? Find somebody else to pour your affections on.

Now, reader, I'm very lucky to have come upon this new person. He's perfect! He's got everything (and mind you I don't usually say these things, unless I really mean them.) And unfortunately, that is the problem.

It made me reevaluate myself. Pucha! Hurts my ego but that is the truth. Kung may shongs sa inyo na humahanga sa akin (kung meron nga ba), walang-wala ako compared to this one. I should be thankful just for the chance that I am able to communicate with this person!

Wala lang. That's all I want to say for this one. Good luck na lang sa akin pero huwag na lang kayo magulat kung biglang sorrowful na naman ang next entry ko dito...

On a different note, panalo ang teams ko sa Battle of the Bonds, yung Chem16 Quiz. 2nd and 3rd place ang dalawa kong teams. Yahoo!

Ang sagot nga pala dun sa joke: It's because chemists have all the solutions. Funny ba? Hindi masyado 'no? Because it isn't true, that's probably why.

Ikot

Kung mayroon lang akong dalang tabla nang magkita tayo sa Ikot jeep, hahampasin kita nang paulit-ulit. Walang dapat makagawa sa akin ng mga ginagawa mo. Hindi ko matanggap na ako, si Bryan, ang chemistry cum laudeng marami nang napagdaanan, ay nagiging tanga para sa isang taong hindi man lang ako pinapansin.

Minsan talaga, pinaglalaruan ka ng buhay. Kakasulat ko lang sa "Smile" kung ano ang dapat kong gawin kapag nakita kita muli tapos ngayon... Ngayon! Nang magkasama tayo nang halos limang minuto na iilang talampakan lang ang distansya ay wala akong nagawa! Hindi ko man lang nakuhang tingnan ka kahit patago. Hindi ko kayang iharap sa iyo ang mukha kong nahihirapan dahil hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganito pa rin ang nararamdaman ko para sa iyo hanggang ngayon.

Alam ko, wala talaga. Tanga na kung tanga. Nilalabanan ko na siya at naiintindihan kong wala ngang kabuluhan ang lahat ng pinagtitibok ng tangnang puso kong ito. Pero bakit kasi ganun? Bakit ba kailangang sumikip ang dibdib ko hanggang ngayon, dalawang oras pagkatapos mangyari ang lahat? Bakit ba kinailangan ko pang dumayo dito sa Dizontech para lang mailabas ko ang lahat ng ito kahit na dapat ay nasa UP ako at nagtratrabaho.

Tang ina mo! Tang ina mo!! Paano mo nagawa ito sa akin? Bakit ba sa lahat ng tao sa mundo ay sa iyo ko pa dapat maramdaman ang lahat ng walang kwentang damdamin na ito. Sana nagkagusto na lang ako sa iba. Sana hindi na lang ikaw! Para hindi na ko mahihirapan nang ganito.

Kung magagawa ko lang magalit at umiyak ngayon, gagawin ko. Para lang matapos na ito. Hindi ako makakapag-concentrate sa trabaho ko mamaya. Hindi ko na naman maiintindihan ang MS ko dahil maiisip ko ang lahat nang ito. Putang-ina! Ang masama pa dun ay para sa iyo, balewala ang lahat nang ito. Hindi ako mahalaga para sa iyo. At dapat din naman talaga ay hindi ka mahalaga sa akin pero hayup ka! Ano bang nangyayari sa akin?!

Nakuha mo ba ang nais kong sabihin nang papasakay ako sa jeep? Nakuha mo ba ang lalim ng aking tingin nang malaman kong ikaw nga iyon, ang taong gumulo sa buhay ko. Ang taong ipinamukha sa akin na hindi ako tunay na lalaki. Ang taong hindi mawala-wala sa isip ko sa loob ng mahigit isang taon na.

Nagsalita ka, at ininom ko muli ang tunog ng iyong boses. Sinubukan kong lunurin ang sarili ko sa sandaling iyon. Ang limang minutong makakasama ko ang tanging minahal ko na ni isang kusing ay walang ibinalik sa aking pagtingin o pakikiramay man lang.

Bumaba ka kaagad, at dun lang ako muling sumulyap sa kinauupuan mo. Wala ka na. Ni anino ng shirt mo hindi ko man lamang nahuli. Hindi ko muling nakita ang iyong mukha. Ang iyong mga kamay. Hindi ko nagawang tingnan ka habang nandun ka, nakaupo, hindi makakaalis sa kahit anong lalim na titig ang itapon ko sa iyo.

Binigyan na ako ng pagkakataon upang ayusin ang lahat. Upang magawa ang mga nais ko sanang gawin pero wala. Wala akong nagawa dahil wala naman akong puwang sa puso mo.

Balang-araw makakamove-on din ako sa iyo. Balang-araw makakahanap din ako ng iba na magmamahal sa akin. Darating din ang araw kung kailan hindi na iikot ang mundo ko sa iyo. Pero hanggang doon, lalabanan ko pa rin ang walang basehang damdamin ko na kahit ano mang powers ng utak ko ang gamitin ko ay hindi ko pa rin lubusang maintindihan.

Smile

The Run done, I thought of going to Chemsoc to have a quick yosi break. And as if there wasn't enough events for one day, guess who I encountered in AS walk? Tadaa! None other than him. But being the usual jerk that he was, he didn't notice me. He was smiling (how he likes to flash those pearly whites everywhere!) as he was looking at some of the Shock Value posters, his neck deliberately tilted so that he would avoid looking at me. Or maybe he just didn't notice me (but it would destroy the effect I am trying to achieve with this paragraph, so let's just assume that he ignored me, smiling.)

It was almost the perfect scene for the middle part in Dido's "White Flag":

And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on

He walked past, and I turned my head to look at him again because I couldn't quite believe it was really him. If somebody I knew saw me then, they'd probably say, from the expression on my face, "Why Bry, you're flabbergasted! What happened?" And why was he in AS at that time? I think he watched the Run, that's why he was smiling like that! Hehehe!

I went inside the Chemsoc tambayan, and said hello to my friends. When I got to the open area at the back, I immediately lit up a stick, expecting I would need it. But I needed no such thing, it turned out. I was calm, if a bit excited over the Oblation Run and the shouts accompanying it. But at that time, I was more concerned about me hungry tummy. I was expecting more, I said to myself repeatedly "Hey, isn't that him you just saw?" Nothing. No effect.

But you know, reader, if I have moved on, should I still be talking about it here?

I am holding on to you not because I love you... But because I failed to get you, and that - my failure - is what I cannot accept to myself. And to my readers.

The next time I see you, and I fervently hope for that time to come because I want to redeem myself. I want to smile at you. Make you see that I am in my own heaven without you
And when we meet
As I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on

And I will smile. I won't forget to smile. It wouldn't be that flashy as yours though. It would be more like a slight quirking of the corners of my lips. My small expression to say that "I hate you! You've made a fool out of me, but that's cool. You did what you have to do. I did what was meant for me to do. So we're quits. By the way, you look great."

And then I'll walk ahead (stopping by to talk is out of the question unless it is you who'll ask me to), and you'll do the same, at a faster rate perhaps, but I know we'll still be thinking about each other for a few more seconds before we figuratively get ourselves lost in the crowd of students... and teachers.

***
Check this one out... It's an excerpt from one of my favorite books... This is one of those reads which made me cry... Read "The Colour of the Wheat Fields" .

Oblation Run

Butts.

I saw some guys' butts this afternoon in Pav 2. There was this re-Oblation Run because of Secretary "Something's" comment about UP in PDI's yesterday issue. How reckless and thoughtless of him. My opinion on the matter? You need to be part of UP to fully understand what UP really stands for. And it is our job to understand those who are not ummm... enlightened. Don't worry, I'm not mad. We understand (but that doesn't mean we won't do anything about it!) I should react about this, I'm a UP Instructor!

Back to the story ---> I saw some butts this afternoon. I wasn't supposed to, because my class is on the second floor, but it turned out that I had to go back down to the first floor to fill some of my students' test tubes with their unknown ion solution. And voila! I saw guys' butts parading down the corridor.

It was a nice watch really. I mean, you don't get to see a lot of guys' butts everyday right? But the thing was, I felt something I shouldn'tve have felt at that time. And that is? (I know what you're thinking, you pervert... =) ) Fear!

It seemed like the whole pav went quiet as they passed. The students in lab gowns didn't bother coming out of the labs to watch them (or they were probably too conscious about what others might say if they were seen looking at dicks.) Time seemed to have slowed down (I know, it's too cheesy, but that's how it was!) The runners were shouting, and if I heard them correctly, they were shouting something I cannot write in here. Media people, carrying their paraphernalia, were running after them.

The important thing was, they were angry. You can feel it in the air as they passed. And who wouldn't? Oblation Run has been an honored tradition for them (and for UP) and they cannot bear someone to simply insult them without retaliating.

Sec. Gonzalez (I just heard his name from the news) failed to see the point behind the whole thing. It's really embarrassing for him to have said that. I mean, he's already working in the government, and he still interprets issues from their face value? All he saw was naked men running. That's all. Either he's gay, or he's just bitter he wasn't able to pass the UPCAT.

No seriously, I cannot help but react. I am a UP man through and through. He should apologize. That is what I think. And if he does not, that just shows how deluded our lawmakers are.

But what if he was simply trying to provoke UP as part of a larger destabilization plot? Perhaps somebody more powerful up there wanted to dethrone GMA and whoever that was thought that incurring the wrath of UP could be one way to achieve it. Who knows?

See even in this after-issue, the Oblation Run has done its job. True, I saw some butts, but it also started me talking and thinking about the government and how mentally inept some of our politicians are. I'm not qualified to talk about the meaning of the Oblation Run in depth (gotta be cautious), but for me, it's like a beacon, pointing us to issues we should be aware of. And that done, we should react about it. Hence, this blog entry.

Dancefloor

I was walking back to my apartment, smiling, as I recalled the things which have happened that night. It was harmless. A wholesome night, and I had a guilty feeling I shouldnt've manipulated things to fall into place that way. Well, you know me. You can call me "the Spider" for the way I try to make things happen to my own pleasure. (Wink!)

But lying down on my bed that night, I came to a startling conclusion - that I am simply playing around with him and that there's really nothing deeper. My endearments for him are no more sincere than my affection for, let's say, my fone. But is that really how I feel?

I'm actually torn about what to do next. What was, will be again. Unless I do it right this time. I've learned from last year, not to give my heart away too fast and too fully. And so far, I am not having problems with that. This is barely a fourth of what I felt for... that person (may he go to hell).

Right now, I am simply waiting for someone to light my fire again. Someone to bring back the magic in me when I am passionately in love - if I could wait, that is. If I can stop myself from dabbling my fingers wherever I feel like it.

Love is a game. You win, you lose. But the chase is what I love the most about it. The excitement, the uncertainty, how much of your feelings to hide and to show. The hints, the winks, the interpretations fueled by your baseless assumptions.

LE once told me of the change in me compared to last year. Last year, she said, I can't help talking about "it". My eyes had this certain sparkle whenever I make kwento about what just happened that morning. Whenever I come back to the faculty room and meet her there, she couldn't help but notice how I enjoyed our "meeting".

It makes me really sad to realize that those days are gone. I find myself now, sitting in front of this computer, wishing I was back there in that state. When I was chasing what I knew I couldn't have.

***

Last night, I went to PACSosyalan with my Chemsoc friends. It was a rather bland night in the beginning. And there was not much time for dancing. I was expecting the event to be held in a bar where I can be as wild (and as drunk) as I want myself to be.

And while I was dancing, looking at my friends enjoying the night, the music, the company. Feeling the beat of the music in my chest, how the lights played upon our bodies as we were moving them, I forgot my life for a while. I forgot that I was this miserable. I forgot the heartbreaks. I forgot that I am lonely. All that mattered was that I was clapping my hands and jumping with the rest of my friends, happy and content.

On the dancefloor, all of us are equal. It doesn't matter whether you are a good dancer or not. It doesn't matter whether you're lonely, or that you have a significant other. It doesn't matter whether you're straight or gay. What is more important is that we are all there to enjoy the very few moments we are together, following the beat of the one music the DJ is playing for us.

I wish moments like that would last forever...

NOTE TO THE READER: In honor of "One Tree House" reaching more than a hundred blog entries, I will be including on some of my new entries, a link to some of my most memorable blogs. I hope you'd enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed writing them.

Here's one I wrote last November. I like how this one ends...
"Escape"

Emptied

I was staring at the carpet, half-listening to Chase's daily rambling about his salary, his lovelife, his plans. I was playing with my lighter, tossing it up, catching it as it falls. I tried it with my eyes closed, and I failed.

I was staring at the carpet, wondering how the threads are woven into a pattern. My fingers tracing the lines, the colors, what the pattern wants to tell me. It did not make sense, and yet somehow, I had a stupid feeling I should be able to find something in it.

Lost in my universe. Trying to come back down. Thinking that only a precious few will be able to relate to what I'm going through. And what is it I'm going through? Nothing.

Sarah McLachlan was on the background, singing "Do What You Have To Do".

"I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do. And I have the sense to recognize, that I don't know how to let you go..."

I may be ambiguous at times, but I know that I'm a man at heart.

Doesn't make sense. This blog doesn't make sense. But should everything make sense? Is there a point in living a life devoid of rules, simply following your whims and desires?

I'm doing calming exercises to clear my mind. And it makes me empty. And when I'm empty, I don't make sense.

I long for the day. That day when all these will be over. When I will rediscover the old me. The funny, easy-going me. But I can't remember if I ever was easy-going at all. At all...

Thoughts forming themselves into words are floating in my mind, and they shimmer amidst scenes of dreams, of past happenings in my life. Against pictures of sadness. Of grief. What am I grieving for anyway?

I can't turn my mind off!

I may be ambiguous at times, but I know that I'm a man at heart.

Gripping Sanity

I shouldn't blog when I have nothing to write about. I shouldn't waste your time and impose my thoughts on you when you are already busy with your own problems. But I have no choice, my dear reader. I have no other outlet. I've got no one to talk to but you.

Imaginary you. My reader doesn't have a face, or a name. When I'm writing in here, I do not care who will read this. It could be him. It could be her. A past student. A high school or elementary school friend. A friend of a friend. You could be my cousin (but I very much doubt it). Or you could be one of those who added me as your friend even though we haven't met at all. Or you could even be someone who just passed by, browsing through friendster.

What is with this blog? Why am I putting so many stuff in here? Why can't I just write my thoughts in a private journal instead of publishing them here?

I've asked myself these questions a lot of times before. And the reason behind all of these, I have discovered, is as wrapped in sappy melodrama as my entries here.

I live in an imaginary world. And this blog is a big part of that world. If I delete this blog. If I stop writing, I'll have nowhere to go to.

For you see, I am looking for someone. Someone I can talk to about everything. Friends can only go so far. Even LE doesn't know everything about me. I'm looking for someone who gets me. Who appreciates what I appreciate about me.

I've always been a lonely person. Ever since I was born, I've never felt I've completely exposed myself to a single person. Sure, I tell a lot to my close friends, to my students, but I feel that they barely scratch my surface. I have a lot to talk about, that even if I venture into telling you about something as personal as my sex life, I'm not bothered about it. Because there are deeper things in me than that.

If my blog suddenly became Riddle's diary, for sure Riddle would be alive by now. He would be bloated by my essence.

I feel like I'm a hole reader. Not an asshole. Just a hole. No matter how deep I dig into me, I cannot seem to find anything clearer about me. The deeper I dig, the more I get confused. Perhaps it's just me who's making my life complicated. Even so, I cannot stop myself from thinking that way. So what should I do? (See, this paragraph clearly illustrates my way of thinking.)

I should've been a philosopher. For if I was, I shouldn't be wasting time writing about stuff about me. I could be using my brain cells to think about philosophical questions which could benefit society.

I'm so full of myself. And you know that very well, reader. For you see, I have to keep this going. If I give up on me... If I look on myself any lower, I'd probably fall into a depression. That's probably my self-defense mechanism. I think highly of myself otherwise I'd go crazy.

I remember asking John Ray, a friend who is an occupational therapist, when a patient with schizophrenia starts showing symptoms. And unfortunately, he said that 21 (my age) is still within the age bracket.

I'm not sure if me going crazy will be a relief for me or not. It will be a relief since, then, I will be able to justify all my ramblings in this blog. I can justify the erratic things that I've done. I can justify falling in love with a guy and breaking up with my girlfriend. I can justify my hedonistic escapades. I can justify why I'm so damn crazy!!

If it turns out that I'm normal, then it would mean that I'm an outlier. I would be shunned by society. I couldn't probably accept that. I'm already shunned because I'm bisexual, now they're going to push me away because I think too much and too abnormally?!

Why can't I fit into your world reader? Why can't i make myself think like you do? Feel like you do? Look like you do? Fuck like you do?! I'm so fucking abnormal in almost everything I half-wish I could kill myself just to complete it!

The feeling of killing myself has become so very very tempting again, reader, I should be afraid not excited. It would be... glorious to kill myself. And why shouldn't I? I'm abnormal, right? I don't love like you do. I don't LIVE like you do! I'm an ABERRATION! Even God doesn't approve of the things I've done. He doesn't even approve of me being myself!

Now you. You! You and you! You keep pushing me to come back to God when He has mentioned that man laying with mankind is an abomination!!! How do you expect me to behave? Come back to Him and ask to be changed for something He did to me? How do you explain that you HYPED-UP BLINDED religious people?!!!

Damn! This life sucks! And now you, you who consider yourself as my friend. You will post a comment here if you care for me a bit. You will say stuff to try to make me feel better. Vague stuff about religion, about  life, love, some harmless-looking saying to spice up your comment and I sure do appreciate that but that ISN'T ENOUGH to change me completely. What are words? Will they change my sexuality? Will they change how crazy I am? What can they do?!

I'm hopeless reader. I'm hopeless since the help you can give me isn't doing the job it's supposed to do. I think you realize that by now. I've put myself on the edge, no, I've JUMPED inside insanity (or am I sane enough to even use that word?) you cannot help me. You cannot help me anymore reader. What's wrong with me is in the inside, and the only person who can change that is me, and I CANNOT.

So can I kill myself now? Because I can't see the sense in my life. I can't see my purpose anymore. Ooops that was wrong. I CAN see where my life will lead... A straight humps-free road to eternal loneliness (or damnation, if you want to be more melodramatic.)

You know what, I've made a bet on myself. If the guy I fell in love with will come back to me as a friend, and forget whatever has transpired, I will start believing in God again. I tried my best to tell him. But he didn't. So...

Boyfriend

Ha? Nampucha nagblog ka na naman Bry?! Three days in a row na ito. Mukhang gumugulo na naman ang makulay mong buhay a.

Halika nga dito. Ganito kasi. Ayusin natin. Tapusin na ang dapat tapusin. Kasi nasasaktan ka lang. Wala tayong magagawa. Hindi ka niya magugustuhan.

Hindi mo kasalanan yun!! Huwag kang mag-eemote dyan... Oo na. Oo siguro kung mas gwapo ka sa kanya (!) papayag siya. Pero hindi eh. Isa siyang demigod. Pakawalan mo na siya!

Ganito na lang. Isipin mo nga kung naging kayo. Ha? Ano? Magiging masaya ka? Tapos gagawin mo lahat para sumaya siya? E kung mas masaya siya sa iba? Sa babae? Papayagan mo siyang umalis? O bat di ka makasagot ngayon?

Alam mo kasi, Bry. Iba ka. Iba kang tao. Ang gulo mo. Lahat ng taong naaassociate sa iyo, ginugulo mo ang buhay. Guguluhin mo din ba ang buhay niya?

Ha? Naiisip mo pa rin ang happiness mo pag naging kayo kahit na ganun? Kahit na matikman mo lang for one hour masayang-masaya ka na? Pwede ka nang mamatay pagtapos nun? Kahit na guluhin mo buhay nya? Sabagay kung one hour lang naman...

Haaay Bry. Alam mo nalulungkot ako para sa iyo. Kasi nahihirapan kang pakawalan siya kasi hindi mo siya nakuha. Nasanay ka na makukuha mo ang nagugustuhan mo before pero putang-ina naman Bry. Akala mo ba diyos ka?

Kung mahal na mahal mo siya, isipin mo na lang na mas magiging masaya siya kung wala ka. Ay shet, ba't naluluha ka na naman? Psst wag dito!

Basta, mahirap man tanggapin, para sa kanya isa kang bad experience na dapat niyang iwanan. Hindi natin alam kung bakit naging big deal ang lahat para sa kanya. Siguro dahil simple pa ang kanyang buhay. Siguro dahil may pagka isip-bata pa siya. Sabi niya intindihin mo siya 'di ba? Kung mahal mo siya, intindihin mo siya.

Pero ano? Nahihirapan ka na? Nasasaktan ka na sa pag-iisip sa kanya kahit hindi mo naman siya pinipilit na isipin? Hay naku Bry, alam mo naman kung bakit nagustuhan mo siya di ba? Hindi yan love! Libog! Hehehe joke, baka infatuation lang or crush kung ano man ang difference nun.

Sige nga kung biglang mag-apparate siya sa harapan mo, anong gagawin mo? Ha? Bastos! Puro ka L! Magseryoso ka nga Bry... Kakausapin mo siya? Tapos? Iiyakan? Tapos kung papayag siya, hug mo siya? Tapos kiss? Hahahaha! Loko nangarap ka na naman. Drama mo naman tsong. Mas magugustuhan niya pa yung first suggestion mo.

Alam mo Bry, hintay hintay at hinay hinay ka lang kasi diyan. Darating din iyan, sus. Buti nga ikaw may mga prospects, yung iba talagang zero! At ikaw pa, e ang galing-galing mo manloko! Makakakuha ka agad dyan nang roromansahin... Trust me.

E ikaw din shongs ka e, binasted mo si **o. E di sana matagal ka nang nagka-... aaah eh secret nga pala.

Ganyan talaga life tsong. Hayaan mo na siya, kawalan nya yun. (Payagan nyo na magyabang, kawawa naman tong si Bry e.) Hindi ba ang dami mong gagawin sana no? Kung naging kayo? Wawa naman siya. 

Walang masama sa pagmamahal, Bry. Sige, mahalin mo siya kahit na wala ka namang mapapala na sa kanya. Ano mangyayari sa iyo? Manlulumo. E sino ba kasi mas mahalaga - siya o ikaw?

Siya? Yung walang kwentang kumag na yun na isip-bata? Aray! Ba't mo ko binatukan?!

O ikaw? Isa pang walang kwentang kumag na isip-bata? Kaya pala di mo siya makalimutan e, pareho kayo. (Toink!)

Basta bilisan mo na lang humanap ng (aaah eh secret pala) para matigil na ang pag-iisip mo sa kanya. Kung wala lang friendster no? Pero hindi mo naman siya kayang i-delete friend e. Masokista! Weakling! Alipin ng pag-ibig!

*** O sa mga readers, nagtataka ba kayo kung bakit "Boyfriend" ang title nito? Kung ganun, e di magtaka kayo! Hwehehehe!

Pretty Thing

Hey you, you pretty thing you
You never read my blogs, do you?
Perhaps it's better if you never do
Your ego then will be enough for two

Hey you, you pretty thing you
I walked home today because of you
I missed my dinner thinking of how you
Stole my heart and broke it true

Hey you, you pretty thing you
Half my cigs I smoke for you
Half the blogs in here for you
And all of me still longs for you

Hey you, you pretty thing you
How come you never miss me too?
How come you left me feeling blue?
How come I never got to you?

Hey you, you pretty thing you
I wrote this poem hoping that you
Will see that I am trying to
Show that I still do care for you

But then my rhyme runs out
Because I know that I will touch nothing in you
I cannot make you feel any warmer
And that you can't make me feel any better

But then the lines go inconsistent
Because even if how hard I try to escape from you
I'm hopelessly still attached to you

And so I find myself
Wishing you were here
Wishing we were like we were before
When you were still talking to me
When you still acknowledge my presence

Hey you, you pretty thing you
I'll hold your hand and dandle you on my knee
I'll whisper to your ear that whatever you do
My feelings for you will always be here

You know, you pretty thing you
They're laughing at me because of you
They tell me I'm stupid and that I'm a fool
And I just nod with them because it is true

But you know, you pretty thing you?
That's fine for me, 'cause I know it's for you
You don't deserve it, I've said it
But I chose to give my heart to you

Hey you, you pretty thing you
I can't give up on me and you
Because I know that when I do
I'd...
I'd...
I'd lose a dream come true in you

"I will go down with this ship,
And I won't put my hands up and surrender,
There will be no white flag above my door,
I'm in love, and always will be."

I'm saying all this now
Because all good things come to an end
And when this feeling finally subsides
I can say that I have done my very best
To show you what I feel for you

And that perhaps these lines I threw
Will somehow find a way through you
And etch me deeper into you
Because no one will love you the way I do

I look down on this keyboard
Because this is all that I can do
To "write it for the world to see"
That it's you, you pretty thing you

A Thursday To Remember

I woke up in someone else's room, still exhausted. All my life I've been getting not enough sleep from school work and now that I've graduated, I still am sleep-deprived - not because of academics, but of something else. Looks like I'll have these eyebags permanently, not that I care much about it. I'm no vain girl.

Anyway, as I've said, I woke up in someone else's room. The lights were pouring in from the window. I had to wake up. I would have given much to stay there and sleep all morning but I cannot be caught sleeping in there. I actually had to quietly sneak out to prevent discovery. Making sounds were very dangerous.

By the way, have you ever tried making love in front of a mirror? It's hot. Like a scene from a porn movie. And you wouldn't believe it was you doing... that.

Moving on, I went out of that building, still brushing cobwebs from my eyes. It was no good that my companion was all fresh and clean from taking a bath. I would have taken one only I cannot do it there. So I had to go home to KNL.

There was no school that day. It was a free day for my Chem 28.1 class so there was no need for me to really hurry. I bought a donut for breakfast and started to walk. We parted like weird - unsure of how to do such a ritual after all that happened. On the trike, I had to crane my neck because the ceiling was very low. My neck began to hurt it started cramping. (Is there such a word? Cramping?) The price of being tall.

I opened the door to find Chase already dressed, ready to leave the apartment. I changed my mind of continuing my disrupted slumber at home since I felt strangely awake despite my tiredness. I ate breakfast, took a much needed shower, and dressed. Off I went to my favorite computer shop to check my mail and my friendster.

It was 10am when I returned to the apartment, and my alertness was beginning to give way to drowsiness. I have a meeting to go to later that day, so I had time to take a nap. I fell asleep instantly and had a very vivid dream of becoming famous. (I have been dreaming like that for the second day in a row now. Wonder what that means.)

I woke in silence - and that was a very queer thing here in KNL. I fancied that the world was magically emptied of people, and I was the only person left. I even half-believed that and I started planning on how I would survive on my own, and the things that I would do. I pictured myself walking on the streets of KNL wondering where the people are, looking around and calling out, with the camera moving around me 360.

It was 1:15pm, just enough time for me to eat the remnants of my breakfast (I bought other stuff on my way home) for my lunch and smoke a few sticks. It seemed that I have forgotten to smoke because I kept blowing air through the cig instead of sucking it. What was happening to me?

Then, my fone rang. Somebody I don't know was calling me. My thoughts were so slow in processing the idea I waited for the fone to ring several more times before I finally answered it.

"Hello?" I said cautiously.

"Mr. de la Isla, I'm from the UP Office of Admissions. Please fax your complete account number and PIN number. Your account number lacks one digit."

"Oh," I said, a bit relieved. "Yes, I'm going to the office later."

"Please do it asap. We'll be giving your pay some time soon."

"Ok then. Thanks."  How could I have forgotten about that? The same number texted me yesterday.

I arrived just in time for me to drop my bag on my cubicle and go straight to the faculty lounge for the meeting. It was about some students complaining about their grades. (It wasn't personally about me, though, and I'm confident that it wasn't my student who complained.)

After that, I was whisked away to another meeting about ChemViz, a seminar for high school chemistry teachers happening this Saturday. I was to do an origami demonstration. What's the connection? You can use paper folding to make models for some inorganic molecules that's why.

After arranging my unfinished business with the UPCAT, LE and I decided to catch a movie in the Film Institute. They often show hard-to-find X-rated indie movies there.

The movie scheduled for 5pm was "Six", a horror flick from Thailand. The next movie, showing at 7pm, was titled "Seduction". I would have very much preferred watching the latter but LE will be leaving for Eastwood by that time, and I did not dare watch it alone lest some of my students see me.

LE, being the chicken that she was, screamed once and had to cover her face during some scenes. I, of course, did no such thing. Movies, ghosts, zombies do not scare me. I'm a Gryffindor you know.

The movie was about six friends going to a haunted house - very typical. There were five guys and only one girl. I found myself discussing how the guys look with LE, and pointing which ones we think are attractive. Well, I had no choice. The girl wasn't really a looker. Very unfortunately, there were no bed scenes.

After the movie, we checked the schedule of the other movies to be shown this month. The security guard called us, and told us to go to the front hall since there was a movie briefing there. What could that be? We went anyway since we had nothing else to do.

We found out that there was a sorta public art fair there, like the ones you see in movies. High-end looking artsy people were talking amidst a white wall brightly illuminated with spotlights. A table groaning with high-end food was on the center of the hall. We were invited inside and I wouldn't have come in if LE didn't find someone she knew.

I was so not dressed for that occasion. I was only wearing my khaki shorts, black shirt, and slippers (at least I've put some gel on my hair.) Perhaps they'd mistake me for an eccentric artsy personality. We ate there and tried to blend in with people we do not know. Unfortunately, we had to leave when the ceremony was just beginning. By the way, the thing was all about this Canadian Film Festival or some such happening in the Film Center this August.

I laughed with LE, talking about how we did an "eat and run" without planning to.
"It's just like a scene from a movie," I told her. "This day is just amazing..."

"Yeah," she replied. "That's why we're bestfriends!" And we tried to do a high five but our hands missed. We just laughed.

We met Kenneth in front of the building, and I said goodbye and left them for their date. She was actually inviting me to ask Rhay and come with them so that it will be a double date. I just shrugged her suggestion off and said that it would only complicate things between us.

I went back to the apartment to find Chase sitting on the front step, waiting for me since he left his key inside. And thus comes an end to one eventful day in my life.

And why did I have to write all of these here? It's because days like this should be cherished. I count the very few stars I can find in my sky and hold them dear because I know I'm going to need happy moments like these when the storms come again.

Fuck You I Love You

We are all for sale at one price or another. Each of us has an idea of our own worth, which we unconsciously compare with those of other people. In relationships, for instance, we look for those who are at least as "worthy" as we judge ourselves. We look down on those who we think are not as worthy as we think we are, and we do not entertain the idea of having a relationship with them.

This concept of worth vary from knowing how good we look or how smart we think, to what models our fones are or how much our clothes cost, and all the things in between (including how many ex's we've ditched or how many one night stands we've scored) with emphasis on which aspects we think are more important.

It's no wonder that a lot of people are feeling down (and I am no exception). We reach for the stars, those we deem as demigods, and after realizing that we cannot have them, we just feel down and we adjust our own worth a bit lower. We lower our requirements for the next one.

This thought is of course flawed, since it deals with how we judge ourselves worthy and that is a VERY subjective matter. It has a lot to do with balancing confidence and honesty. On this, I have some words to say...

Some people tend to be cocky because (I think) they are not satisfied with themselves. They want to listen to their own words - hear it from themselves that they are good-looking, intelligent, sexy because in their heart of hearts, they do not really believe they are. They are insecure about that part of themselves. If they cannot make themselves believe it, then they will try to make others believe it so that they might learn to believe it, too.

Now I very much apologize if in citing this example I might appear to be cocky myself. (That is not what I want to tell here, ok?) I believe that I am an intelligent person, not the most intelligent, true, but I am one of the best. I don't usually brag about how intelligent I am because I know it already. I don't go talking about scientific stuff just to broadcast that I'm a smartass whenever there are strangers around. That part of myself is already complete and I am satisfied with it.

On the other hand, I want other people to see that I am different. That I am cooler than some of them. That's why I wear "showy" clothes now. That's why I party as much as I can (and I tell as many people as I can that I do party). That's why I smoke and drink because deep within me, I don't really believe that I am cool enough. That part of me is incomplete - I need other people to be a part of it just so I can be contented with it.

However, the problem with some people is that in realizing this, they are afraid to reach for the "demigods" because they might think that they are not worth them. Most of the time , this is true since people are first attracted to each other on surface value, the easiest one to compare. If level 1 fails, we don't usually move on to the next level. It's game over. For some.

But I've mentioned a while ago that our worth is a subjective thing. We might think that that person is above us while that person might think that he/she is below us. So how do we deal with this?

I don't really know! I'm no relationship guru. In fact, I'm quite surprised why I decided to talk about this topic since I'm not in a position to do so. As if I've already gone through a lot of relationships! Anyway, I'm just writing what I've thought from observing myself and other people, and my opinion in this matter is that - you  should try. Try to reach for the stars for we'll never know the answer until we've tried. It may cause a lot of heartaches, I know, but through these, we learn. And we become more mature from our failures.

Ha! I can't believe I talked about this serious stuff... Just do what you want., that's all I can really say. It's on how you deal with matters after that matters. (Wow...) In other words, it's how you do damage control.

And why is this in my head again?  Hmm? This damage control trash? It's because my demigod FAILED ME AGAIN!!!!

I never learn, do I? I never learn and I still cannot make myself HATE the person who has utterly destroyed everything I thought I could have. Why can't I ever make you care about me?!! What the hell is wrong with you?!! Fuck you I love you!!!

de la Isla

Sumakay ako sa Ikot. Kakatapos lang namin manood ni LE ng "Ang Huling Araw ng Linggo", isang independent film na ipinalabas sa FC. Naghiwalay kami dahil pupunta pa siya sa SM North para manood ng "Click" with Kenneth. Hindi ko maalala ang mga iniisip ko habang nakasakay ako sa jeep. Hindi ko namalayan na kailangan ko na palang bumaba.

Naglakad ako papuntang apartment, nag-iisip pa din, hanggang makarating ako sa pintuan ng aking tinitirahan dito sa UP. Wala pa si Chase as usual dahil patay pa ang mga ilaw. Ibinaba ko ang aking bag at lumabas muli upang bumili ng dinner.

Habang kumakain ng sandwich (hindi ko feel kumain ng kanin) ay nakikinig ako sa album na irerelease ko this sem. Nang matapos ang aking light dinner, nag yosi ako kahit na hindi naman ako nabusog.

Naglalakad-lakad ako habang nagyoyosi. Tiningnan ko ang sarili ko sa salamin. "Ito ba ang buhay na gusto ko?" Tinanong ko ang sarili ko. "Ito ang buhay mo, Bryan? Ito ba ang buhay na nararapat para sa akin?"

Naisip ko ang huli kong blog. Kalokohan. Puro kalokohan ang mga pinagsasabi ko dun. Umupo na lang ako sa bean bag at nag-reflect habang hinihithit ang bagong bili kong Capri.

Pabalik-balik lang ako. Paulit-ulit lang ang mga pinagsasabi ko dito. Sasabihin ko na over na ako sa kanya one day, kinabukasan hindi. Sasabihin ko na lalaki ako ngayon, mamaya hindi pala. Sasabihin ko na natauhan na ako, pero ang totoo hindi pa din.

Sawang-sawa na ako sa ganitong buhay. Naisip ko na lang ang mga kaibigan kong walang ganitong problema. Ang mga estudyante kong puro aral na lang ang iniisip. Sa lahat ng tao sa mundo, kailangan ako pa talaga ang makatanggap nito. Hindi pa ba enough ang mga napagdaanan ko?

Umupo ako at napaiyak na lang habang nakikinig sa "Creep" ng Radiohead. "I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here... I don't belong here..."

Matagal na rin akong hindi umiiyak. Ang sarap nang pakiramdam habang inilalabas mo ang mga bagay na gumugulo sa iyong isipan. Kinuha ko ang aking celfone at gumawa ng message para kay Mommy. "Mommy," sabi ko sa text. "Musta na kau jan? Nahihirapan na ko sa gani2ng buhay. Sana and2 ka mommy. Umiiyak ako."

Nahihirapan ako. Hindi ko na alam kung saan ako tutungo. Makikipagbalikan ba ako sa taong mahal ako o magpapakatanga sa isang taong sinaktan ako? Ayoko nang gumawa ng paraan para makilala ang sarili ko. Pagod na pagod na ako. Lahat ng effort ko ay nasayang dahil wala din akong napala. Lalo pa nga akong naguluhan. Hilahin niyo na lang ako. Itulak niyo na lang ako kung saan ako dapat pumunta. Pagod na pagod na ang utak at isip ko at gusto ko munang magpahinga kahit sandali lang.

Binura ko din ang inihanda kong message para kay Mommy. Matanda na ako, inisip ko. May mga panahong hindi na dapat ako humingi ng tulong sa mga magulang ko, sa mga kaibigan ko. Kakayanin ko ito mag-isa dahil matanda na ako. Lahat tayo may kanya-kanyang problema at hindi laging nandyan sila para sa iyo. Kakayanin ko ang mga ito mag-isa.

Naka 100 blogs na ako dito sa Friendster, ngunit ano ba ang natutunan ko? Nakahanap ba ako ng peace of mind sa 100 blogs na naisulat ko dito? Hindi. Sabi ko nga, paulit-ulit lang ang lahat.

Naisip ko si Rhay habang nakikinig sa "My Immortal" ng Evanescence at "Here Tonight" ng Hale. Mamaya ay birthday na niya. Masaya sana kung babalik ako sa kanya at sasabihing "Bumalik na ako Chiyo." Masaya sana kung sasabihin kong "Ikaw lang ang mahal ko." Masaya sana kung ganun pero sa dinamidami nang nangyari, hindi pa rin ako nagbago. Kung ano ako noon, ganun pa din ako ngayon.

Naisip ko si *** habang nakikinig ng "White Flag" ni Dido at "It's You" ni Michelle Branch. Nararamdaman ko na din kung ano ba ang nararamdaman niya sa akin. Sabi ng mga kaibigan ko, hindi siya worth it. Pero hindi niya lang alam, tanggap ko pa din yun. Matatanggap ko kahit ano pa ang mangyari dahil lahat tayo ay tanga sa pag-ibig. Kahit na maging tayo pa man, hindi mo matutumbasan ang lalim ng aking pagkatao. Hindi mo mapapantayan ang lalim ng lahat ng aking mga nararamdaman.

Narealize ko na hindi sex ang issue sa kanilang dalawa. Hindi mahalaga kung ang isa ay lalaki o kung ang isa ay babae. Ang mahalaga ay kung nakuha ba nila ang aking puso. Iyon lang iyon.

Tiningnan ko ang sarili ko sa salamin at tinanong ang aking sarili. "Paano ka na ngayon? Ano na ang gagawin mo Bryan? Masaya ka na ba sa lahat ng mga ginawa mo sa iyong buhay?"

Ginawa ko ito nang mag-isa at hindi ko nagawa. Ngayon hahayaan ko na lang ang lahat ng ito sa Diyos dahil hindi ko na kaya. Kahit na agnostic pa ako, wala nang ibang paraan talaga kundi ang itaas sa kanya ang lahat. Sabi nga ni Haziel, hayaan ko ang sarili ko na maging bata muli at maniwala na basta mag-pray lang ako, masasagot din ang lahat. Maging inosente muli at hayaan ang sariling maniwala na may milagro sa mundo.

Sana nga magawa ko. Sana nga. Dahil bawat araw sa paggising ko, hindi dumarating ang oras na nahihirapan ako.

God, kung nagbabasa ka man ng blog ko. Pakitulungan naman ako. Hindi ko na kaya. Puro tawa at jokes lang ako sa ibang tao pero sa loob ko, alam mo na kulang na lang ay sumigaw ako at umiyak dahil sa hirap na dinaranas ko. Sana mabigyan mo ako ng peace of mind para hindi maisip ang mga ganitong bagay para makapagtrabaho naman ako nang maayos. Sana mapasaya mo ang mga taong nasasaktan ko, lalo na si Rhay kasi birthday niya.

God, bahala ka na sa akin. Kung ano man ang plano mo, hihintayin ko na lang dahil hindi ko na kayang gawin ito nang mag-isa. Alam ko ibinigay mo ito sa akin dahil mahal mo ako at alam mo na malalampasan ko din ang lahat ng ito balang araw.

P.S.
Comment naman diyan, hehe.

Matatanggap ko kaya kung habang buhay pala akong mag-isa? Matatanggap ko kaya kung ang buhay ko ay nakalathala na agad pagkapanganak ko pa lang - sa aking pangalan? Bryan Christian - a strong believer in Christ, at de la Isla - of the island? Maiisolate ba ako sa ibang tao kagaya ng isang island?

Sabi nila, "No man is an island." Dati, natawa na lang ako kasi it fits dahil hindi naman talaga ako isang normal na "man". Pero ngayon, hindi na. Sa lahat nang nagawa ko na at gagawin pa, alam ko na mas lalaki pa ako sa inyong mga straight diyan. Kung pagkatao lang ang sukatan, walang habol ang mga astig niyong asta. Walang habol ang dami ng mga girlfriends niyo. Walang habol ang laki ng mga katawan niyo dahil alam nating lahat na hindi iyon ang sukatan ng pagkalalaki. Nasa pagharap natin ito sa ating mga problema.

Sa Apartment

Guys! This is the blog of all blogs!!! Promise! Tandaan natin ang araw na ito - August 6, Linggo, dahil ito ay ang Linggo ng Wika este Linggo ng Kamalayan!!!

Para sa mga current students ko na friends ko na dito sa Friendster ngayon, huwag kayo masyado mabigla. Sige, bibigyan ko kayo ng short introduction. Huwag na huwag magbabago ang tingin ninyo sa akin ha? At kung babasahin niyo ito please lang tapusin ninyo at huwag kayo magconclude agad. Lalo na yung mga nagbabasa ng blog ko na hindi ko naman friends dito (ehem). Actually, ayos lang yun basta magcomment lang kayo para may feedback ako at hindi puro tsismis lang na umaalingawngaw sa IC ang masagap ko.

Ganito kasi. Naguguluhan ako sa aking sekswalidad. Kasi umiibig ako sa babae pero naattract din ako sa lalaki. Kaya ang gulo. Iniisip ko tuloy kung ano ba ko? Girl, boy, bakla, tomboy? Hehehe.

Heto ngayon, may girlfriend ako dati, kaso nagkagusto din ako sa isang guy. Tapos parang naiisip ko pa din yung guy na yun kahit nga walang nangyari sa amin. Kaya ang gulo talaga. Ngayon, humingi ako sa girlfriend ko ng panahon para makilala ko ang sarili ko. At ibinigay naman nya, kaya nga kami nag-break.

So ngayon, dahil nagbreak kami, sinubukan kong makipagrelasyon at makipagsex sa lalaki kasi hindi pa naman ako nagkaka-boyfriend. So hayan, I've got my means (fone, net, money) to explore.

Una, yung nangyari "Sa Motel" kung saan nakipag casual sex ako sa isang guy (you can read the complete details in the blog with the same title). Ang result? Wala. Palpak. Akala ko magugustuhan ko pero zero talaga.

Naisip ko nun - siguro dahil first time, at sa kakaibang place namin ginawa kaya ganun. So anong decision ko? Try ulit.

Pangalawa, textm8 na guy. Hayun, nahulog ang loob sa akin agad-agaran. Pero hindi ko siya nagustuhan. Ang result? Palpak na naman!

Pangatlo, heto fresh na fresh pa dahil nangyari lang kanina. Naghire ulit ako ng guy para subukang makipagsex with. Nagkita kami sa SM North. Dun sa Annex, sa may Esprit mga 7pm. Nung nakita ko siya, wow pogi pala. Long hair, at mala-Orlando Bloom. Naattract din naman ako sa kanya nung una. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, yes! This will be the sex of my life! Finally, matutupad na din ang pangarap ko...

Kumain kami muna sa Wendy's (bayad ko). Wala akong masyadong gana kumain dahil kinakabahan ako. Di rin kami masyado nag-uusap. Tinitingnan ko siya secretly at medyo nahohot naman ako occasionally.

After dinner, sakay kami taxi papuntang apartment para sa familiar territory ko na gagawin. Tamang-tama dahil umuwi si Chase sa La Union so solo ko yung bahay. Sabi ko iinom lang ako ng beer at magyoyosi muna bago namin gawin yun. Sabi niya ok lang pero hindi siya umiinom at nagyoyosi. So ako na lang. Medyo nahilo ako sa alcohol pero hindi pa din nawawala ang kaba. Awkward moment, paano ba ito sisimulan?

Basta hayun, fast forward na! Hayan na, at balik na naman sa nangyari dun sa motel. Wala na naman. Iniisip ko, teka gusto ko itong tao na ito ha... Pero wala pa din talaga. Para lang akong isang makina na kumikilos pero hindi talaga ako nag-eenjoy sa mga ginagawa ko. Iniisip ko nga na pauwiin na lang siya pero baka kasi mahurt siya.

This time, ginawa na namin yung hindi ko ginawa dun sa motel. Siya kasi nagsabi na gawin daw namin yun. Sa totoo lang, medyo ayoko pero nahiya naman ako sa kanya. Ouch! Ang sakit pucha! Pero nung una lang pala, at talagang pinipigilan ko ang ma-<toot!> dahil ang laking kalat nun di ba? Pero wala talaga. Walang moment na nag-enjoy ako. Para akong nagpa-rape, yun lang. Nawalan pa ng pera at virginity.

Natapos ang lahat nang hindi ako naligayahan. Nangatog lang ang tuhod ko, napagod, at sumakit ang hips pero wala! WALA! Lalaki ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako naaattract sa lalaki pero pagdating dun sa sex, wala din naman. Kahit na anong akala ko na mag-eenjoy ako, kapag nasa moment na. Wala talaga!

Haay lintek ang gulong buhay 'to leche. Kahit papaano kasi, umaasa ako na magugustuhan ko nga yun dahil yun ang nafeel ko nung una! Pero hindi pala. Hay naku si Lord, pinaglalaruan ang buhay ko. Para saan pa ang lahat ng kadramahan ko dito, ito din pala ang kalalabasan...

Kung magbubulag-bulagan ako, sasabihin kong baka hindi pa din talaga ako straight (panigurado lang). Sabi nga ni LE, baka hindi lang talaga ako pang casual sex. Dapat talaga mahal ko ang ka-sex ko, at kung hindi, walang mangyayari. Pero may mga tao bang ganun? Di ba kung straight ka, basta nalibugan ka, go? Kahit di mo siya mahal?

Kanina nga, iniisip kong makipagbalikan sa ex-girlfriend ko. Dahil nakilala ko na ang sarili ko at natapos na ang walang kuwentang panghuhumaling ko sa mga lalaki...

Siguro, (siguro lang ha), kung magkakaboyfriend ako ngayon at mamahalin ko, siguro (waah di ko maisip puta) kaya ko (waah) makipag (waaah ayaw ko!) sex sa kanya (ay naku hindi ko talaga sure!) Kailangan ko kasing maging open-minded (tipong scientist) at alamin ang lahat-lahat bago makapag-conclude nang tunay.

So anong next move ko after realizing na casual sexwise, di ko talaga siya kaya sa same sex? Find a boyfriend to love? Nge, ewan ko. Hindi ko talaga siya feel ngayon. Bahala na pero I doubt talaga.

Ang gusto ko talagang gawin ay makipagbalikan sa ex ko, dahil nagbunga na ang paghihirap naming dalawa. Kung tatanggapin niya ako ulit, our relationship will become stronger kasi kung darating ulit yung doubts, I know na wala din yun dahil I've been there... Nagawa ko na finally at nalaman kong hanggang akala lang talaga yun. Magkakaanak na ako! Magkakapamilya! Grabeng buhay ito. Kahit masculinity pinapaappreciate sa akin ni God.

So dahil ba dito maniniwala na ulit ako sa Diyos? Malamang. Kasi para sa akin, ito ay isang milagro. Parang sa huli din pala, ibibigay din niya ang nararapat na kaligayahan para sa akin. Mirakol!

To end this, gusto ko lang sabihin na ang mga nararamdaman natin ngayon ay maaari pa ring magbago. Di ba nga may kasabihan na change is chuva? So I'll wait. Maghihintay nang ilang araw at kung hindi na magbago ang current settings ko, saka ako makikipagbalikan sa kanya (hopefully in time for her birthday this Friday!)

Haha. Nakakamiss din kasi ang fucking. Best sex ko pa din ang sa amin! (Oops! Sowee...)

P.S.
Kagaya nung P.S. sa "Sa Motel", naaamoy ko na naman siya sa akin hanggang ngayon. At heto pa, alam niyo ba ang bext conclusion of all? Mas malaki pa din yung sa akin kahit na malaki pa katawan niya. I'm so blessed there pala! Hehehe...

Asked For This

Giving the UPCAT to hopeful examinees a while ago made me think a lot about my life. Sa totoo lang, you cannot do anything there but think since we are not allowed to read books or use our fones even. Looking at the examinees made me think back about how much I have changed since I took the UPCAT myself some six years ago.

UPCAT makes me prouder of being a UP student. It sort of reminds us that we were one of those chosen few - the "cream of the crop" they say, but when you're already in UP, that somehow vanishes and most of us sink back to obscurity. Not everyone shines in UP, some have learned that the hard way.

I asked myself then, sitting in front of the 60 examinees - which among these will pass? Going by the passing rate, I can say that only 6 or 7 of them will make it through UP's open walls.  Do these students know what they are applying for? Do they know how much UP will change their lives like how it changed mine?

Lately, I was trying to find back the confidence that I used to have. And UPCAT reminded me that being a UP student (and now I'm even a UP instructor) is something I can use to boost it up again.

Why am I trying to find my worth again? Because I cannot understand why I am wasting myself on someone who will never love me back... Someone who makes me feel I am so terribly inferior.

Am I?

I've lived a hard life, reader. I've worked hard to earn the position I have now. I used to commute everyday to school from Las Pinas. I used to miss my classes because I had no money to go to school. There were times when the money I had was just enough for me to go to school, I had to borrow from my friends for my fare back. There were times I had no money to spare for food. Can you imagine how hard that was for me?

There were times when, after a tiring day from school, I go home to find my brother wreaking havoc in the house. I go home to find that my family had barely anything to eat, just so I can go to school the next day. Can you imagine how hard it was to study and focus on your acads with that in your mind? You cannot!

And yet somehow, reader, I made it through. I graduated with honors. I graduated (tied with Francis) as the best of my batch. I made it, without slacking from my responsibilities in Chemsoc and in the student council. I made it even through all the financial constraints and the internal crisis I was going through at that time! (And I made it without sacrificing my social life, too.)

And now you. You! You're making me feel that all that meant nothing! You made me realize that I was so damn incompetent for even one second of your touch! I've thrown myself at your feet. I've thrown my pride aside and it still means nothing! I'm not even worthy enough to be your friend!

I've lost it because of you. I've lost the confidence I had in myself. Was I able to use all my achievements to make you like me? You're making me think I was worthless! It feels like shit, knowing that you cannot find what you're looking for in me. And that even if I try, I can never give it.

I saw you again the other day, and you might have seen me too. And you just smiled. You smiled as if your rash decision last November meant nothing. All you cared about was clean cuts and you didn't consider how I would take it!

How many months has passed? How many months has it been since it started? It's been too long already. Too long for me to dwell on something impossible. I know it, but still I can't completely turn my back on you because you didn't give me an ending. I am blind, I know that, too, but I can't let myself let go of you on my own.

I am asking you to tell me something. I am asking you to explain, because what you've left me with was not easy for me to bear. You've left me with an open question, and I've tried to put if off my mind but its nagging me, and something always stirs it up when I though I've finally moved on. I am asking you to please understand that I got myself too involved with you and that in order for me to let go and move on, you have to do something too.

Please, I am asking you. I just want to hear from you. I want to close this book (if it was really meant to be closed) before it can do more damage to me. I don't really believe you are a bad person, and I don't want to be angry with you if you do not deserve it.

I reached for you. I tried to reach for something I cannot have and it felt bad for me. I know you had no hand in putting me in this position, but the only person who can put me out of this is you.

Am I asking for too much?

I'm taking this risk. If I cannot make you care about this then I don't know if... If I can still bear it...

I will understand. I will always try to understand what you do even if I know that it is a hopeless thing because even if I've tried to deny it to myself, you'll always be very special to me.