December 19, 2007
...and then someone texted me - Vianka, a past student, and she told me that she was in the same jeepney with you, and that you have a girl with you, and that even if Vianka told me that the girl you are with is "chaka", that doesn't change the fact that you are, indeed, with someone else and I was wondering how Vianka can tell at first glance that it was your girl, so I thought that perhaps, you were openly being sweet with her (which she later verified), and then I thought that, maybe, you are straight after all, and that there was no way that you can be with me, or perhaps, that the girl was just a coverup - that you're really gay and just fooling around with the girl, whoever she is, or that perhaps, you are also like me, a bisexual, trying out things for the meantime, but you know, whatever the reason, whoever that girl is, whether she's your jowa-jowaan or not, the fact remains that I AM NOT WITH YOU, and I've been moving through my life, going through the motions, experiencing real happiness, believing in another chance, but I know that whenever I look into a dark corner, I feel like I've lost something deep inside me, a lack I cannot explain, and I know that, whenever I talk about you in class, whenever I tell them that I am okay now, I know that I am telling the truth, but despite all that, the fact remains that I AM NOT WITH YOU, and that you are with someone else, and that someone else, hopefully, will give you the happiness you will not let me give, the happiness I cannot give no matter how I try, and no, don't think that I still want you, don't think that I still care about you because it's obvious that I don't, so I'm content just watching from the shadows, just hearing occasionally about you, and being unaffected, just looking up at this blue sky, careless, and empty, because I AM NOT WITH YOU, and you're with someone else right now, and I remember that line from that song, "am I not deserving one second of your touch?" and I still remember clearly, as if it was just yesterday, the first time I touched your hand, and how it sent a thrill down my spine, how the blood rushed to my head, how... how indesribably blissful the feeling was, but it has been three years now, and... and... you're not here now, and... and I hate you, because you're... you're you, and nobody else can be like you, and wherever I go, whatever I do, nobody can ever... ever be like you... and that emptiness, that feeling of losing someone connected to me in some way, that endless searching for you, will remain with me
I don't have to pretend
It just is
...and then someone texted me - Vianka, a past student, and she told me that she was in the same jeepney with you, and that you have a girl with you, and that even if Vianka told me that the girl you are with is "chaka", that doesn't change the fact that you are, indeed, with someone else and I was wondering how Vianka can tell at first glance that it was your girl, so I thought that perhaps, you were openly being sweet with her (which she later verified), and then I thought that, maybe, you are straight after all, and that there was no way that you can be with me, or perhaps, that the girl was just a coverup - that you're really gay and just fooling around with the girl, whoever she is, or that perhaps, you are also like me, a bisexual, trying out things for the meantime, but you know, whatever the reason, whoever that girl is, whether she's your jowa-jowaan or not, the fact remains that I AM NOT WITH YOU, and I've been moving through my life, going through the motions, experiencing real happiness, believing in another chance, but I know that whenever I look into a dark corner, I feel like I've lost something deep inside me, a lack I cannot explain, and I know that, whenever I talk about you in class, whenever I tell them that I am okay now, I know that I am telling the truth, but despite all that, the fact remains that I AM NOT WITH YOU, and that you are with someone else, and that someone else, hopefully, will give you the happiness you will not let me give, the happiness I cannot give no matter how I try, and no, don't think that I still want you, don't think that I still care about you because it's obvious that I don't, so I'm content just watching from the shadows, just hearing occasionally about you, and being unaffected, just looking up at this blue sky, careless, and empty, because I AM NOT WITH YOU, and you're with someone else right now, and I remember that line from that song, "am I not deserving one second of your touch?" and I still remember clearly, as if it was just yesterday, the first time I touched your hand, and how it sent a thrill down my spine, how the blood rushed to my head, how... how indesribably blissful the feeling was, but it has been three years now, and... and... you're not here now, and... and I hate you, because you're... you're you, and nobody else can be like you, and wherever I go, whatever I do, nobody can ever... ever be like you... and that emptiness, that feeling of losing someone connected to me in some way, that endless searching for you, will remain with me
I don't have to pretend
It just is
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