April 18, 2009
Just the idea of going out there, of dating strangers in coffee shops, of selling yourself and lowering your expectations already makes me cringe. The futile attempts to calm yourself when you're about to meet someone. The crushing fear of being rejected by someone you like. The endless feeling out to check whether you're doing well or not... Oh, all those feelings I never want to feel again and yet I know that that is what you must go though in search of real happiness.
I don't want to be single again. But it's summer! And no matter how I try to go against it, the feel of being reckless is upon me again.
I love my baby. Everytime I am with him, I know that it's true. But when he's away, I am plagued with doubts. Am I really the right one for him? Am I ready for settling down until I die? Is it okay for me to give up the exciting things I want in return for stability?
I know this is wrong. SO wrong. I have no right to be in a position like this and my only hope is to let it out.
Why is my love temperature dependent? Why can't I feel satisfied without me getting hurt one way or another? Why do I always have this need to have somebody new in my life, every summer? Why do I feel the need for my lovelife to always be dynamic? Why can't I stand monotony?
Somebody kill me. Soon. Please.
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