A Big Deal

May 2, 2009

For three long years, since I accepted that I do have homosexual tendencies, he has been my filler for that "boy of my dreams" void in my heart and to find him standing there in front of me... Not moving away... Just standing there in front of me... Still... And aware of my presence is a heartstopping experience. I thought I have moved on and for more than a year I've convinced myself that I have forgotten but just seeing him there... His unruly hair... His trademark smile... The profile of his fragile body on his thin white shirt when the wind blows his way... After all these years, he is still the best looking guy I've ever met and woe unto those who don't think of him so!

His classmates from four years ago were there, of course, but I had my eyes only on him. It is a miracle that he consented to come in our class reunion and me being me, I wouldn't let this moment pass without me doing something disastrous. So I went forward and talked to him.

"Can..." I began, but he simply inclined his head my way and avoided looking at me. "Can we talk?"

I didn't expect him to hug me but I thought that after all this time he would have let go of his distance.

"Please?" I added, smiling, just to show him that everything was in the past and that I'm okay. He smiled back and he nodded. NODDED!

I can't remember the things I've said... Okay! I do remember but I won't bother putting them in here because they were too embarrassing. I just made a fool of myself. Blame those eyes! They empty my head whenever they meet mine. So after futile attempts to recall the things I have been planning to tell him for years, I just asked him, "How are you?"

"You know I do have similar tendencies," he said, a mischievous smile on his face. And before my mind can fathom the real meaning of those words, he went on and said, "I have had an experience with... the same."

Lady Gaga could have passed by, announcing that she adores me, that she wants me to be her adviser and inspiration, and I wouldn't have noticed.

"But I didn't like it," he added. Something must have shown on my face. I am not that obvious! But no matter, he was still smiling! We're really having a conversation!

Taking control of myself, I put on my neutral pedantic voice and told him that it was often like that, the first time you do it. I was supposed to end it with that but the snake within me stirred such that I found myself uttering, "But if you want to explore next time, I can... I can help."

And he smiled. He smiled! As if he was planning this all along and then he was nodding, "Yeah. Yeah, I will contact you." As if it was not a big deal! As if what he was proposing was not the ultimate reason of the 24 years of my existence!

"But..." I tried to remind him that I just lost my fone but I was breathless.

He nodded again to show that he understood. "Through email," he said. And he turned away to his classmates as if nothing happened.

The thought that this was a trap did not... cannot... ruin my hopes. I cannot believe that after four long years of longing, I'm finally having a go with him. With him! Did it matter that I have a boyfriend? Did it matter? But this is him! HIM! HE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND WE'RE FINALLY DOING SOMETHING! I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I MUST BE DREAMING...

...and I was.

***

Dear Mr. Bryan de la Isla,


We have analyzed your recent dream and here are our findings:
1. You are unfaithful.
2. You are selfish.
3. You are delusional.
4. You are uncontrollable.
5. You never learn.

In summary:
YOU ARE CRAP

Thank you very much for your continued patronage. We expect to see you again tonight. Sweet dreams!


-Brain


***

My dearest Bry,


Hug!

You'll get through. I can't tell you not to be bothered by this because you will. Let it pass. It was just a dream and yes, that f*cking hurts I know. We all feel that, Bry. We all expect our love to be reciprocated somehow, sometime. But that seldom happens beyond our dreams.

What matters more is that you loved, even if you got hurt. Love enough for you to let him go. Let them go.

Somebody loves you.

You'll get through.


Lots of love,
-Heart

***

Dear Brain and Heart,

Leave me alone!

Bloody organs!


-Bry