Lights Out

May 7, 2009

I am ugly and that is that. No wonder my boyfriend was never really horny for me except for that first time we did it. No wonder he doesn't feel like hugging me. Or kissing me. What is a wonder, though, is how he put up with me all these years.

I am ugly and that is that. I once asked my boyfriend for compliments every now and then, just to boost my ego. Just to increase my confidence. And you know what he told me? He said he didn't want to lie to me. My boyfriend, of all the people in the world, was the one I expected to back me up. And he didn't. Some days I make myself believe that I look okay. And when I needed confirmation he brought me down. Did he really think it was about telling the truth? That was some years ago reader. And he hasn't changed. Never did he tell me that I look okay.

And that is the truth.

I am ugly. That... is that. I believed that, perhaps, if I just build on my attitude I thought it will be okay. I thought I might get through. But that is not how the world works. The easiest thing to do is to look and it is your appearance which the world notices first. My boyfriend never kisses any other part of my face, reader. Except for my lips. Never. In the 30 months we've been together. I used to wonder how come he doesn't want to. I thought he loved me? But perhaps the surface of the moon is no match for my boyfriend's tastes.

I am ugly, reader. I am ugly. And even if I make the people around me feel happy and loved that cannot change that fact. Even if I feel that I have a fulfilling life, it doesn't change how I feel when I look into the mirror. Or when my boyfriend looks at me. You can say I have many friends but I will always be ugly. My boyfriend thinks so.

Oh, why am I crying reader? Why does a 24-year-old cry over trivial things like these?

You know what my boyfriend will do if he learns of this? He'll laugh at me and shrug it off. Or he will attempt to comfort me. But I know the truth, reader. He thinks I'm ugly. He tells me so. He tells me, though jokingly, that he lowered his standards for me. Sometimes, he looks me up and down. He makes a big fuss if I do not shave. He wants me to change. Once, I cried in front of him, when we were talking about this and he just laughed. Shrugged it off.

You're ugly, B, that is that.

Now I know why he likes to turn off the lights when we're alone.

***

Go ahead and agree with your silence. Pity me. I don't think I can get any lower.